Tie Me Here in Time
by jadedandboring
Summary: What do you do after your world changes, after you're no longer part of the relationship that practically defined your entire life? Who do you turn to when everyone around you has changed but swears you are the one who is different? Sequel to KRM.
1. Getting There is Getting By

**This story is meant as a sequel to **_**The Kübler Ross Model **_**and probably doesn't stand well on its own. If you'd like a basic run down of what happens in KRM and don't think you can handle reading it (because it **_**is**_** a hard story to read), PM me and I'll be happy to summarize for you.**

**Thank you to my fabulous betas, pkitten21 and TFX. I don't know what I would do without you two. Prereaders, thank you for your insight and suggestions. Every single bit helped.  


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**Tie me here in time  
I think I'm doing alright  
And kind of getting by.  
Who do you turn to  
When you don't know who you've turned into  
And everyone has changed?  
-_Getting There is Getting By_, Punchline

I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing, a shrill tone that let me know Dexter's mother was calling.

"Morning Sandy," I mumbled after I managed to flip the piece of shit open. "What's up?"

She said good morning and in typical fashion, started in on a long monologue about . . . something. I laid my phone down on the bed and quickly switched out the hoodie I slept in for the one I put on each morning to smoke.

When I picked up the phone Sandy was still prattling on, talking about some meeting her grief counselor wanted her to go to. "Do you want to come with me, Bella? I think it would be good for us to go to something together," Sandy said.

I stepped through the sliding glass door of my apartment onto the tiny balcony, lit my cigarette and took a long drag before answering her.

"I don't know. When is it again?"

I silently prayed it was scheduled for one of the nights I had to work, because I really didn't want to go to yet another meeting where people cried into their bad coffee and stale cookies and gave me the side eye because I _wasn't_ crying. It was hard to explain to outsiders, and even Sandy, that I felt like I'd shed all the tears I was going to cry for the time being.

"Tuesday at 7:30."

I did a little jig and tried to sound disappointed through my smile. "Oh Sandy, I'm so sorry. I work on Tuesdays. I'd ask Ben to switch with me, but that's the only night he and Angela both have off and get to spend time with one another."

"You can't ask someone else to cover for you that night?" She sounded irritated and I had to stifle a giggle.

"There's really no one who can work that night. Ben spends time with Ang, Kate has a final that night and the new guy isn't ready to work a solo shift yet."

She sighed heavily into the phone and I knew I'd escaped for now. She was certain to ask me to go to another meeting with her at some point.

"Okay, Bella. I understand. Maybe when Kate or the new guy . . . What's his name can work a full shift alone," Sandy said sadly.

"Sure. That sounds great."

I stabbed my cigarette out in old coffee can I used as an ashtray and headed back into my apartment. I stopped short when I caught sight of a mess of tangled limbs and disheveled hair on my couch. "Fuck," I mumbled into the phone.

"Bella? Are you okay?" Sandy's worried voice asked.

"I'm fine Sandy. Just found a bill I really need to pay today. I'll talk with you later, okay?"

"All right. Bye Bella."

"Bye." I hung up the phone, picked up a pillow from an arm chair and chucked it at the sleeping man.

"Edward. Wake up. Emmett will be here in half an hour and I don't need him making assumptions," I hissed.

Edward mumbled something that sounded an awful lot like "fuck off" and shifted in an attempt to untangle himself from the blanket that was wrapped around his body. He pulled hard on a loose end and promptly tumbled to the floor.

"What the hell, Bella?" he asked, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. "What are you doing at my . . . oh. I'm not at home. What happened?"

"I thought you went home after I went to bed last night," I said, putting my hands on my hips. "You were supposed to walk me home, watch whatever it is you made me watch last night, what the fuck was that by the way? Then go home. Imagine my shock when I come in from smoking -"

"You really should quit."

"Shut up, I'm talking. Imagine my surprise when I come in from smoking and find you passed out on my couch."

"I made you watch Ace of Cakes, which is one of the best shows on the Food Network by the way, and I swear I planned to go home after you went to bed. But Unwrapped came on and it was the one where they were talking about how candy canes are made. I had to watch it. I must have fallen asleep," he muttered.

"At least you have the decency to look sheepish about it. What the hell am I going to do with you?" I sunk down on the floor next to him and laid my head on his shoulder. "People are going to talk. They're going to think we're in some kind of relationship," I sighed.

"Wouldn't want anyone to think you're moving on too quickly," he said sarcastically.

"Whatever Edward. Just get out," I said, pulling him off the floor after I stood up.

"Can I go to the bathroom first?"

"Fine." I stomped my foot and crossed my arms over my chest.

"Did you seriously just stomp your foot? I thought girls only did that on TV."

"Shut up and go pee or I'll make you do the walk of shame without relief."

"Going, going," he said, heading toward the bathroom. He came out a few minutes later, hair all messy like he'd tried to fix it and gave me a crooked grin. "Lunch later?"

"Yeah, whatever. Just go before I have to have Emmett kick your ass for being here in the first place," I said with a wide gesture to the front door.

He pulled me into a hug and kissed the top of my head. "See you later, Bella."

I closed the door behind him and leaned against it, taking a deep breath. I was about to head to the kitchen to start breakfast when Emmett knocked and pushed at my door.

"Open up, Bells. I know you're in there!"

"Well good morning to you too, Emmett." I held the door open and ducked out of the way of his arm as he tried to pull me into a hug.

"You know, I'm kind of glad you're not letting me hug you. I passed Edward on the way up. I'm definitely not in to sloppy seconds," Emmett said, waggling his eyebrows.

"Eww, Em. Just . . . ew. He passed out on my couch."

"Suuurrreee he did, Bella. If by "passed out" you mean "fell into a post coital slumber" then yes, he passed out on your couch."

"You're impossible."

"What's for breakfast?" Emmett asked, flopping down on the couch. "Seriously? You guys couldn't clean up after your romp out here? Please tell me I'm not touching any of Edward's bodily fluids."

"Beats me, Em. If Edward had a wet dream, I wouldn't know anything about it. I slept in my bed. He slept out here. We _slept_."

"You're no fun, Bella."

I rolled my eyes at him and walked into the kitchen, pulling bacon out of the freezer to defrost while I mixed up a batch of pancakes. I swatted Emmett's hand away when he wrapped an arm around my waist in an attempt to snag a piece of bacon out of the frying pan and quickly plated our meal. We ate in silence, which simultaneously relaxed and scared me. It was nice to get through a stretch of time without Emmett teasing me, but I knew he was probably coming up with various ways to insinuate I'd done something more than sleep in a separate room from Edward.

"Did you want to go shopping with me today?" Emmett asked. "I need to grab a few things, including a birthday gift for my mom. Isn't Sandy and Tom's anniversary coming up? Do you need to get them a gift?"

I shoved a piece of pancake into my mouth to keep from snarking right away and chewed thoughtfully. "I don't know. I guess I'll talk to my mom and see what she thinks. I'm almost afraid it might be awkward. I mean, what do you buy for parents whose son died six months ago?"

My eyes filled with tears as I thought of what Dexter had been planning to do. They were about to celebrate 25 years of marriage and he'd wanted to throw them a huge party with all of their family and friends in attendance. When Dexter's counts started to tank a few weeks into the planning, it had fallen to the wayside.

"I'm sure your mom will help you with whatever's worrying your pretty little head, Bells. You think entirely too much." Emmett ruffled my hair as he stood to put his plate in the sink. "Come shopping with me. I'm trying to woo Rosalie Hale and I want to do something other than flowers."

"This again Emmett? She's leaving for Seattle soon anyway," I told him while we washed dishes together.

"Why Seattle?"

"She's going to finish her law degree at UW or something like that. I don't know, Edward was talking about having to find something with more reasonable rent soon. They managed to talk old lady Cope into letting them break their lease at six months instead of a year because Rose is leaving. He was thinking he might put in an application for the vacant apartment here."

"You've been spending a lot of time with Edward." It wasn't a question.

I felt my temper flaring up. "So what Emmett? Tanya keeps telling me -"

"You're seeing Tanya Denali?"

Shit. I hadn't meant to let that slip. Emmett had been encouraging me to see a therapist since just after Dexter died and I always told him I didn't need to talk to anyone, that I was fine. I briefly wondered how Emmett had figured it out so quickly, but reminded myself that Tanya Denali was the only Tanya in Forks.

I ducked my head, unwilling to look him in the eye when I made my confession. "I've been seeing her for nearly six months."

"I knew it! I knew there was no way you were doing so well on your own." Emmett pumped his fist in the air and wrapped his arms around me in a bear hug. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because," I snapped. "Because I knew you'd do this. You _always _act like a complete ass when someone tells you that you were right about something, which isn't to say that you're right, Emmett. What I mean is . . . I mean it has been helpful. But I didn't start going because you told me to. I started because Sandy asked me to go to a grief support group with her. Tanya was running it and she was the only person who didn't make me feel like a bad person for going back to work and grieving my own way. You know people had the nerve to tell me I didn't love Dexter enough because I got through the eulogy at his funeral without crying? Sandy included."

My voice cracked but finally telling Emmett about Tanya, however unintentional it was, had opened the flood gates.

"Christ on a cracker, Emmett. I've known him twenty two years. He is . . . was my best friend, and for someone to tell me I didn't love him enough because I didn't cry? Who the hell does that? Sandy _still _doesn't think I'm grieving enough. She keeps calling me to go to these stupid meetings with her.

"I think she's upset with me for doing exactly what he made me promise to do. He told me he wanted me to move on, to keep on with my life. He was so pissed when I told him I wasn't going anywhere after graduation, but I couldn't leave him. I put everything on hold while he was sick and he hated that.

"Why is it that Sandy focuses on what I'm doing now now; going back to work after the funeral, spending time with you, Kate, Ben, Ang or Edward instead of what I did then? She never comments on how I came back from my internship to be with him or how I put my entire last year of college on hold to be with him before he died. I can't deal, Em. I just . . . I feel like she's angry, maybe jealous that he spent so much time with me. Like she thought he'd want his mommy or something when it got close to the end. Does she not get that he said his goodbye to me the night before he died?"

I was sobbing, my face buried in Emmett's neck as he rocked me back and forth, his hand rubbing slow soothing circles on my back.

"I love him so much, Emmett. It still hurts when I wake up and realize he's not next to me in bed. I love spending time with you and everyone else from the bar, even Edward, but I feel so guilty. I know I'm doing what he wanted me to do, but it tears me apart. I cry myself to sleep all the time. What am I supposed to do?"

"Shhhh. Sweetheart, it's okay. You're doing exactly what Dexter wanted you to do - you're living your life. Don't let anyone tell you what you're doing is wrong," Emmett whispered. He laid his cheek on top of my head and we sat there for a long time, his arms around me as I wept for the man I loved and the guilt that consumed me every time I smiled, laughed or enjoyed something.

Sniffling, I pulled away from him and swiped at my eyes, angrily wiping the tears away. "Where were we?"

"I believe you were starting to rip me a new one because I pointed out that you've been spending a lot of time with Edward Cullen lately." He held his hands up when I glared at him. "Hey, I'm just trying to be helpful!"

"I was just saying Tanya thinks I should move on. She told me the first time I talked with her about Edward that it was good to know someone outside of my relationship with Dexter. Really Em, you've all known me my entire life. Before he died, could you think of him or me without thinking of the other?" I snorted when he shook his head. "Exactly. Tanya says it's good for me to see how someone who knows me as just Bella, not Bella of 'Dexter and Bella', thinks of me."

"I wasn't trying to be an asshole, Bella," Emmett said quietly. "I was just making an observation. You _have_ been spending a lot of time with Edward. I was actually going to point out how I can always tell after you've spent time with him. You smile and laugh more. You seem more relaxed and you definitely call me on my shit more often. I've missed that about you. You were never someone who hid their feelings and seeing you withdraw the way you did after he died . . . Bella, that was tough on all of us."

Emmett listened to me talk until it was nearly time for me to meet with Tanya. He waited while I showered and got ready, then drove me to the appointment with a promise to see me at work that night.

I explained what had happened with Edward and the resulting conversation I'd had with Emmett to Tanya. She was proud of me, telling me in no uncertain terms that it was "about damn time" I told someone besides my parents about therapy. She spent the rest of the hour trying to convince me to agree to a date, should Edward ever invite me on one, and telling me to relax because friends fell asleep at other friends' places all the time. I didn't tell her it was the third time in two weeks he'd done that. Tanya encouraged me to talk with my mom about whether it would be appropriate to throw the anniversary party for Dexter's parents and I promised to call Renee as soon as possible.

After my appointment with Tanya I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. There was a spring in my step as I walked toward the bar and I took a moment to truly enjoy the late summer weather in Forks. The sun was shining, something that didn't happen too often, and I whistled happily as I walked.

Remembering my promise to talk with my mom, I pulled out my cell and turned it on. I was just about to dial my parents' house when a text message popped up.

_Call when you're done?_

I smiled to myself. Edward. I never told him where I was, just that I had a weekly appointment. We always talked afterward usually while I grabbed lunch from the small coffee shop near The Last Call.

I quickly ordered my usual lunch and slid into the same seat I'd been sitting in for nearly four months. Until Edward and I started spending time together, I had taken the day off of work when I had an appointment with Tanya. I typically went home and did the crying I was ridiculed for not doing in public in the comfort of my bed.

Dialing Edward's number, I held my breath until he answered. The conversation was brief and ended with him saying he'd see me around closing time so he could walk me home. As usual I protested, and as usual he insisted. He liked to joke that walking me home made him feel better, despite the fact that my father was a police officer and we lived in Forks.

Calling Renee was next on my list of things to do, so I scrolled through my contacts until I hit the entry for my childhood home. Mom answered on the first ring and said hello three times in rapid succession before I swallowed the bite of sandwich I'd taken after pressing send.

"Hey Mom. It's me," I said, clearing my throat. "I wanted to ask you something."

I explained what Dexter had been planning for his parents and asked her opinion. My gut told me the party was something Dexter would have wanted me to do, had he remembered to ask me. I choked up a few times while we talked and started crying when Mom told me she thought the party was a great idea; something that would hopefully help Sandy and Tom and even offered to help. We hung up after a shared laugh over a memory of Dexter and I planning a tenth "friendiversary" party for our moms.

I paid for my lunch and took my time going to work. For the first time in a long time I window shopped, stopping in one store to grab something that caught my eye and immediately reminded me of Edward. I pulled out my phone to send him a text.

_Got you a present. Here's a hint: You stick around now, it may show. __I don't know. I don't know._

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**So . . . What did you think? I don't know how long this story will be. I do know that it will be longer than KRM. I have a lot planned for these two.**

**Link to the video for **_**Getting There is Getting By**_** is on my livejournal - jadedboringff(dot)livejournal(dot)com. ****I'm also going to try to post teasers there.**

**If you haven't had a chance to do so (and don't mind a non canon story), please read LyricalKris's _Alice's Jasper, Edward's Bella_ and afragilelittlehuman's _Spell My Heart. _Both can be found under my favorites.  
**

**Oh! And I'm cohosting a contest called The Littlest Peen. Information can be found at fanfiction(dot)net/~thelittlestpeen.  
**

**Welcome home, Agu.  
**


	2. Play

**pkitten21 & TFX, I don't know what I'd do without you two.**

**I don't own Twilight, its characters or anything else that is publicly recognizable. Dexter, his family and these words are mine. Please don't steal.**

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And what if I'm crazy  
for acting a bit hasty on my own?  
You've got to know -  
This is right now,  
This is forever.  
-_Play_, Punchline

Bella was the first thing I thought about when I woke up, the last thing I thought about before I fell asleep and the reason for my new found obsession with the Beatles.

It started the first time I saw her after she agreed to have coffee with me. I'd stopped into The Last Call to have lunch and pilfer their free WiFi for a few hours. I'd sat at the bar, sneaking fries off of Bella's plate when she went to grab drinks for her father and his deputies after they'd stopped in for a late lunch.

She'd just dropped off another soda for me on her way back to where the three other men sat when the jukebox kicked on and played a song I literally hadn't heard in years.

_Something in the way she woos me, I don't want to leave her now._

I knew the song, but since I couldn't place it, I'd googled the lyrics. I nearly fell off of my bar stool and vowed to buy a copy of _Abbey Road_ on the way home.

In that moment, the world stopped. Every move she made was a lyric in that song. Having lunch with Bella, shopping with Bella, sitting on a couch at either of our homes watching a movie . . . Somehow that song was played, even if it was only in my head.

I'd been spending time with Bella for a few months and thought maybe she'd be interested in moving things forward until she literally kicked me out of her place this morning, fearful that Emmett would think we were "doing stuff" as she so eloquently put it.

It annoyed me. She couldn't possibly be naive enough to think I didn't want a relationship with her. Was I okay with being friends? Sure I was, for now. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me that she didn't ever seem to think about moving forward with her life, dating again, doing things a normal 23 year old woman should be doing.

Instead she let Dexter's mother dictate how she acted on a daily basis. No matter what we did or where we went Bella was on the look out for someone who knew Sandy, always worried someone would see us and make an absurd judgment about us together. I was fairly confident she thought I was oblivious, but I knew it was the reason she pulled away from me if I tried to put my arm around her or show her any kind of affection in public. Even though Bella had known Emmett practically her whole life and was the only loyal friend Bella had since Dexter had died, she was worried he would run to Sandy when he discovered I'd been spending the night at her place.

I was working on a proposal for work when Rosalie knocked and stuck her head into my room. "Hey."

I smiled at her and pushed away from my desk. "What's up Rose?"

Though we'd been broken up for several months, we still lived together and were remarkably close friends. I'd poured my heart out to her about Bella about a month after we'd ended things and Rosalie reminded me that patience was a virtue I had never seemed to possess.

"Just wanted to let you know I heard back about that apartment in Seattle. I can move in as soon as next week, but I figured I'd stay here until the end of the lease. Have you found a new place yet?"

I told her no and thanked her for reminding me; I'd meant to stop in to the management office in Bella's building to pick up an application this morning, but was distracted by Emmett's teasing as I left.

Rosalie and I chatted for a few more minutes and made decisions about which of us would take which furniture when we moved out of the little house we'd rented together. She stepped out when my phone rang and I spent a few moments talking to Bella after her regular weekly appointment, reminding her I'd be by The Last Call to walk her home after her shift. Despite her typical protests, I insisted. I always told her it made me feel better to know she wasn't walking home alone when it was really so I could spend a few minutes with her.

She was always open and honest after work, thrilled to be out from behind the bar and chain smoked the entire three block walk to her apartment building.

I was walking through town, headed toward an application for what I hoped would be my new apartment when my phone buzzed with a new text from Bella. My heart jumped into my throat. She'd bought me a gift and the hint was lyrics from _Something_? I had never mentioned it to her, though I was pretty sure she had to have heard me singing it softly to myself every now and then.

I shoved the minute fear I had aside and took care of applying for a new apartment. To be safe, I filled out applications at several other buildings, because I knew the manager of Bella's building could be a douche when he wanted to be.

James Bronson. He had the potential to be the bane of my existence because he owned and managed the building I most wanted to live in. I figured he must have a thing for Bella; she paid less in rent than everyone else in the building, though it could have something to do with her father's job. It didn't matter to me. James really had no reason to turn down my application, but I feared he might.

I made sure to ask Bella's father if I could put him down as a reference just in case.

Errands done, I went home to do some more work. I fixed a few servers remotely and spent an hour on the phone with the owner of Forks' one and only book store, helping Lauren Mallory work out a new system for inventory while she flirted shamelessly with me and reminded me several times that she was single.

I'm pretty sure I threw up in my mouth a little.

It was just after eight when I finally got Lauren off of the phone. I headed out to the kitchen, made myself a sandwich and was about to head out to the bar to wait for Bella to finish her shift when my phone rang.

"What's up Jake?" I felt guilty, because I hadn't talked to my best friend much since I'd moved to Washington.

We briefly caught up on what was going on with work when he asked how things were going on the relationship front. He knew that Rosalie and I were over and he knew I had feelings for Bella but when Jake asked if I was dating . . . I spilled my guts.

"I'm frustrated Jake. I'm exercising more patience than I ever though I had. I still haven't kissed her, you know?"

"Edward, how long has the dude been dead?"

"Six months."

"How long have you been trying to get in Bella's pants?"

"Maybe three and a half months?"

"So why haven't you fucked her out of your system yet?"

"Jacob. It's not like that with her. Not at all."

"You're being a pussy and it needs to stop. You just got out of a relationship with Rosalie. Why would you want to get in to _another_ relationship so soon?"

"I told you. It's different with her. I think she's it for me."

"Pussy."

"Fuck off. Can you be serious and act like my best friend for five minutes?"

"Fine. Talk."

"I know I need to be patient. I need to wait for her to decide she wants more. I just hate seeing her in so much pain. Then I think about how I never knew her before this, so I'm not sure whether pouty, emo Bella or the Bella who laughs at my stupid jokes and watches Ace of Cakes with me is the real Bella, you know?"

"You're being far too deep to be the fucker who left me high and dry in Chicago with a wife and two kids." His raised his voice so I could hear him over the child crying in the background.

I huffed. "Jake, what the hell? I know Leah and the kids annoy you, but you were always there for me when I was having problems with Rose. Why can't you be that guy again?"

"Because dude. You don't want to settle down. You'll be trapped for _life_. That's like . . . _forever_."

"You're special. So seriously, what do I do?" I could practically hear Jake scratching his head as he thought.

"I don't know," he huffed. "Patience is a virtue or some shit, right?"

"Something like that," I laughed.

Jake lamented life with a wife and two to me and did his best to convince me that I should _physically_ love and leave Bella.

Like most meaningful conversations with Jake, I zoned out. He was like a brother to me but when it came to giving advice, I generally only talked to him for the comic relief.

###

There is an unwritten rule amongst bartenders about closing time - "if you don't fucking work here or aren't fucking someone who works here, get out." That rule stopped applying to me about a month after I started walking Bella home.

Not because we were sleeping together, but because Ben felt bad making me stand outside while Bella finished cleaning up and counting out at the end of the night.

I anticipated being at the bar for a few more hours when Bella broke away from a conversation with Ben at the opposite end of the bar, walked toward me and plopped down on the stool next to me with a smirk.

"So Ben says he's fine closing up alone tonight."

"Okay."

"So I'll be done soon."

"Okay."

"Which means as soon as we're finished counting out the drawer and splitting tips, I'm free to go."

"_Oh._"

Bella stood on the bottom rung of the stool to lean over the bar and grabbed the bucket she and Ben threw their tips in. "I'll do this while you do that," she said with a smile at Ben.

"Five, ten, fifteen -"

"Thirty seven," I interrupted with a smile.

Bella scowled and started counting again. "Five, ten, fifteen, twenty - "

I started laughing quietly. "Eighty four."

"Five. Ten. Fifteen. Twenty. Thirty," she said through gritted teeth.

"Seven . . . seven hundred . . . fifty three . . . thousand," I said, grabbing my stomach as I laughed. "Ow! What was that for?" I rubbed my shoulder where Bella had punched me.

"You're lucky I didn't punch you were I really wanted to." Bella shook her hand a bit and went back to counting the tips under her breath.

I turned back to the television and tried to focus on the White Sox game Ben had turned on for me, but I was quickly distracted by the way the light directly over Bella's head caught the reddish highlights in her hair every time she moved.

I tried to ogle her discreetly when she stood up, marched behind the bar and decided wipe down some of the liquor bottles. Ben kept encouraging her to leave, soaking her shirt when he splashed her with water from the triple sink under the bar.

Bella's face registered shock then amusement and she started splashing water back at Ben. I probably should have jumped out of my seat to avoid being caught in the crossfire, but I was mesmerized by the droplets of water clinging to loose strands of hair, her delicate cheekbones and one in particular that clung stubbornly to the tip of her nose.

That small, insignificant drop of water fell from her nose to her chest and quickly disappeared into the collar of the shirt she wore. I swallowed thickly when I caught a glimpse of the fabric of said shirt, stretched tautly over Bella's breasts.

I'd always done my best not to study Bella's body too closely because I didn't want her to think I was a complete creep, but now I couldn't help myself. She'd been thin - really thin - when I first met her, like she hadn't eaten a good meal in months. She'd obviously gained back some of that weight; she had more curves now. I could see that her jeans clung to her hips in all the right places and she filled out the shirt she wore very well, with just a hint of cleavage showing.

At the sight of nipples just barely starting to harden under smooth blue fabric, there was a noticeable tightening in my pants, which caused me to shift uncomfortably. Ben and Bella were still splashing each other with the water and I was grateful for her distraction. I laid my hand in my lap and attempted to adjust myself without bringing attention to the act.

No such luck.

Bella looked at me out of the corner of her eye, glanced at where my hand rested just under the edge of the bar and flushed deep crimson. "Um, Ben? Everything's done, right?"

Ben wiped water out of his eyes and smiled as he nodded.

"Great. I'm gonna just . . . go. Now. See you later." She ran back to where I knew the office was and emerged a few seconds later wearing a hoodie and pulling her hair up into a sloppy ponytail. "Ready Eddie?"

Avoidance, thy name is Bella Swan. "I'm ready. Don't call me Eddie."

"Right. So I have some stuff to do tonight that involves being chained to my laptop for a couple of hours. We can put a movie on in the background, but do you mind if it's something I've seen a few hundred times? I really don't want to bother you because I'm not paying attention. I know how you get when I'm doing something and you're trying to talk to me and I'm spaced out about it."

"Sure."

She reached into the pocket of the sweatshirt and pulled out her cigarettes. On a normal night, she'd chatter away the entire duration of the walk back to her building. On a normal night, I'd try to convince her to stop smoking, because she'd always get of breath when we climbed the three flights of stairs to her apartment.

Tonight was not a normal night. Bella only smoked one cigarette and was silent. We trudged up the stairs and she stood behind me shifting uncomfortably while I unlocked the door.

I tossed her keys on a small table next to the door and flopped onto the couch next to her. She already had her laptop open and I caught a brief glimpse of the browser before she shifted the screen out of my line of sight.

"What do you want to watch?"

"Don't care. Just make it something I've seen a bunch."

I got up and started thumbing through her DVD collection, holding up a random vampire movie she'd forced me to watch on more than one occasion. "Gay sparkling vampires?"

"They're not gay, Edward."

"Bella, they sparkle in the sun. Why couldn't they burn in the sun? That would make more sense."

"Sparkling doesn't mean they're gay."

I coughed. "Yeah, okay."

"Look at it this way, Edward. If you put it in, it's because_ you _want to watch it. I've already told you I'm not watching whatever movie tonight. So please don't try to pass your pretend annoyance with the sparkly vampires off on me. If you want to watch the Masen clan fuck up some werewolves, that's on you."

"Fine. We're watching Die Hard."

"Whatever you want, dear." She shifted a bit and jumped up, slamming her laptop closed. "Shit, I need to go change. Start the movie Cowboy. I'll be back in a few minutes."

I was lying on the couch when Bella came back in a pair of shorts that were obviously not hers, a threadbare t-shirt and no bra. I thought my eyes might bug out of my head and I immediately grabbed the blanket that was thrown over the back of the couch to cover myself.

Bella swatted at me until I was sitting again and arranged herself so she was leaning against an armrest, feet in my lap and laptop on her thighs. I managed to actually watch the movie for a while, ignoring the sound of Bella's fingers tapping at the keys and her frustrated grunts and groans. She squirmed, her feet dangerously close to causing me physical harm, and huffed. She fidgeted some more before she finally swung her feet off of my lap, stood up, handed me her computer and sat close enough to lean against me. She tugged my arm around her shoulders, her legs curled up beside her and she rested against my chest. The laptop remained on my knee when she went back to typing.

After missing almost half an hour of the movie because I was studying the way her nose wrinkled up and her eyes narrowed slightly when she didn't like something on the computer screen, I softly asked what she was researching.

"Throwing an anniversary party," she grumbled. "Need to find a venue, food, invitations, gift, list of people to invite, blah blah blah."

"Your parents have an anniversary coming up?"

"Not my parents, Dexter's. Twenty five years."

"Oh."

"It's just that this is something he really wanted to do for them. He started planning almost a year ago. He was so excited and even though he didn't ask me to continue it, I talked with Renee and she thought it might be a good idea to throw the party for them."

"That's kind of you."

She snorted. "Sandy doesn't fucking deserve this, but I'm not doing it for her. I'm doing it for Dexter."

I hummed a response and turned back to the television, my cheek resting on top of her head and fingers tangled in the hair she'd just let down. I gently stroked her hair while she worked, just enjoying being this close with her even though I knew it probably wouldn't last.

"Bella?" My voice was slightly raspy from lack of use. The movie had been off for a good 45 minutes and she hadn't even noticed.

"Yeah Edward." She was distracted by something on her laptop but I knew she'd pay attention as soon as I spoke again.

"Tell me about Dexter."

* * *

**I'm so sorry. **

**I don't know who actually follows my livejournal, but last week I posted a song for this chapter and it isn't the one I ended up using. My apologies. Partial lyrics and a video are up on the LJ (jadedboringff(dot)livejournal(dot)com).**

**J – My Wonder Twin, these characters would be floundering around and refusing to talk to me if it weren't for you. ILY, right half of my brain. **

**Thanks to A's T for "gay sparkling vampires" inspiration.**

**MsKathy is spearheading a fantastic effort to raise money for Haiti. A $5 donation gets you works from over 100 FF authors. Visit http://mskathyff(dot)blogspot(dot)com/2010/01/haiti(dot)html for more info.  
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	3. Time in a Picture

**I don't own Twilight, its characters or anything else that is publicly recognizable. Dexter, his family and these words are mine. Please don't steal.**

**K & T, ILY.  
**

**

* * *

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_The hand I drew had more cards in it than should have been dealt  
But there's a card completing everything that I have not yet held  
- Time in a Picture_, Punchline

_"Tell me about Dexter."_

I jerked away from Edward and scrambled to the other side of the couch, nearly dropping my laptop in the process. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Will you tell me about him? I . . . I don't know much about him, just what Rosalie told me about what he was like in high school. You knew him best, I want to know what he was really like."

"Oh." Could I do this? Could I sit here and calmly tell Edward about the love of my life? I hadn't talked about Dexter with anyone except Tanya and occasionally Emmett. "Um . . . What do you want to know?"

"Anything you want to tell me." He was wringing his hands and dipped his head sheepishly. "He helped make you, you. I'm curious."

I rubbed my eyes and chewed on my lip. "Uh. Yeah, give me a second."

On one hand, it might be good to tell Edward about Dexter, to have someone besides my therapist and his other best friend to discuss him with. On the other hand, I kind of _liked_ that my . . . whatever, with Edward was separate from the life I had before Dexter died.

I didn't know what to do, so I stalled. I saved the search on my laptop and took my time shutting it down. I got up from the couch and headed to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. I went to my bedroom to get my other sweatshirt. I smoked. I did everything I thought I could get away with to put off the conversation.

After ten minutes, Edward glared at me. After fifteen, he huffed. At the thirty minute mark, he got up from the couch and told me he'd be by the next day.

"Wait Edward!" I reached out and grabbed his arm. "I'm sorry, it's just that I haven't . . . I don't really talk about him, you know? It's hard."

He nodded and gave me a soft smile. "I understand. Please Bella. You don't have to give me his entire life story. Just tell me something funny. Or sad. Whatever you want."

I nodded and took a deep breath. Where to start?

"I knew him my whole life. He was three days older than me, you know. You were at the funeral right?" Edward nodded, so I continued. "Our moms met at some pregnancy class and they were like, instant best friends. Renee said when she went to visit Sandy in the hospital after Dexter was born, I kicked the crap out of her when she held him.

"We were literally always together - play dates, preschool, family vacations. We were best friends from the moment we met, even though we fought like cats and dogs when we were toddlers. Sandy's favorite story is the one about how I gave Dexter a black eye when we were three. Something about him tearing the head off of one of my Barbie dolls. I don't know, I kind of stopped paying attention to that story after age eleven.

"We always went to school dances together because we swore no one would ask us anyway. Obviously we were wrong, because Rose harbored some serious feelings for Dexter in high school. Anyway, I don't really know when I started to see him as 'more than a friend' or whatever. We didn't start dating until high school was almost over and I remember it caused all this drama when we did.

"He was just this constant in my life, you know? He was there, no matter what. He was my first everything. My _only_ everything. I don't . . . Edward, I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to move on. I just had this talk with Emmett yesterday. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes and reach out for him when I wake up first thing in the morning. And it's so stupid to say that I don't know if I can move on, because he harped on that _constantly_. He told me all the time how he didn't want me to be lonely after he died and that I had to move on, to be happy with my life.

"And then there's Sandy. Ugh, that _bitch_. She had the nerve to tell me that I didn't love him enough because I didn't cry at the funeral. I'm like lady, I got my tears out long before he died. I don't want to be bitchy to her because her son just died but I was with him in the doctor's office when Rose and Jasper's Dad broke the news. I spent days with him after he was diagnosed, crying and researching and holding him and telling him it would all be okay."

I stopped talking because I'd started crying. "I'm so mad at myself."

"Why?" Edward cupped my cheek in his hand and brushed a few tears away with his thumb. "Why would you be mad at yourself?"

"Because I lied to him. It wasn't okay." I cracked. I broke down and sobbed again.

Edward cradled me against his chest and smoothed my hair over and over, murmuring that it was all right to cry, but I shouldn't be mad at myself. I didn't know how it happened, but eventually we were lying on the couch, Edward's arms still wrapped around me as I sobbed into his chest.

I woke up several hours later to the feel of a kiss being pressed to the top of my head and started crying all over again.

"Shh, what's wrong?"

"I just never . . . Why do you bother with me? I'm a mess. I'm all over the place from day to day. You're here. You stay. I'm . . . I'm not worth it."

I could hear the smile in his voice when he responded, "You may be a mess, but you're completely worth it. And I think you're right. Sandy's a bitch who doesn't deserve an anniversary party."

I tilted my head to look Edward in the eye. "You know you're pretty ridiculous?"

He nodded and smiled down at me and before I knew it, Edward's face was in my hands and my lips were pressed against his. Soft and warm and just the right amount of pressure against mine and then his tongue tentatively touch my lower lip and . . . _oh my god what was I doing?_

I quickly pulled away from him. "You have to go."

"What? Why?" Edward looked confused and I really couldn't blame him but he couldn't be here, not when I wanted to kiss him and if he stayed there looking that fucking kissable, I was going to cave and maul him.

"I just . . . you have to go. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I just can't have you here right now. I'm sorry. Please just go. I'll call you tomorrow, okay? I'm sorry, but go." I dragged him to the door and shoved his shoes in his hand, along with the gift I'd gotten for him. "This is for you. I thought you might like it."

"Bella stop. Can we talk about this?"

"No." I slammed the door and slid to the floor, my shoulders shaking as I cried _again_.

I don't know how long I sat there or how long Edward knocked and begged me quietly to let him back in, but he eventually went away and I dragged myself back to the couch where I dug around in the cushions for my phone. I called the only person I _could_ call at that hour. "Em, I fucked up."

I was chain smoking on the balcony when Emmett burst through the sliding glass door. "What's wrong Bella?" he asked frantically.

"I screwed up so much tonight," I whispered as I swiped tears off of my cheeks.

He snatched the cigarette out of my hand and snuffed it out before dragging me into his arms. "What happened?"

"I kissed Edward," I mumbled.

I expected Emmett to be shocked. I expected him to rage and tell me that I was disrespecting Dexter's memory and proving Sandy and all of the other naysayers right. Instead, he laughed. "Is that all? It's about fucking time."

I blinked a few times and pushed away from his chest. "Are you kidding me?"

"No, not at all. Why are you freaking out? Hey," he said, lifting my chin to look me in the eye, "it's okay. It was going to happen some time. So take a deep breath, calm down and tell me about it."

I followed him inside and waited while Emmett grabbed two glasses of wine from the kitchen and joined me on the couch. His eyes twinkled and he grinned widely. "So tell _everything_," he said in a falsetto.

I threw a pillow at him. "Be serious, Em. You don't want to know the grimy details."

"Oh yes, I do."

"Fine. It was . . . different. I don't know how else to describe it. And it just _happened_. He asked me to tell him about Dexter - "

"Did you?"

"Yes."

"Good. About fucking time that happened, too."

"Do you want details or not, Emmett?" He mimed zipping his lips and I continued, "It was just so weird. I told him about Dexter and I guess I fell asleep crying because what else is new? And I woke up and asked him why he even bothered and he said that even though I'm a mess, he thinks I'm worth it. Before I knew it, his face was in my hands and it was like sensory overload.

"He had this stubble on his cheeks and that was different because Dexter always shaved. He smelled like sandalwood and spice; that was different because Dexter smelled like evergreen and salt water, like the Olympic Peninsula. His eyes were wide and he looked shocked and _that _was weird because I was looking at green instead of blue. It was different and it felt so wrong, you know? I pushed him away and made him leave. And then I called you."

Emmett sat quietly for a few minutes, staring into his wine glass and looking for all the world like he was concentrating on finding a cure for AIDS. "I think," he said after a bit, "I think that this might be a step in the right direction."

"I'm not sure I understand," I sighed.

"You take my blissfully oblivious front a little too seriously, Bella. You forget that I knew Dexter nearly as well as you did. I mean, who do you think he talked to when he started jerking off to images of you in a bikini?"

"Ugh, mental image I did not need."

"Point taken," Emmett smirked. "The thing is, he _wanted_ you to move on. Now, I wasn't in on the private conversations and weird secret language you two had, but I knew him Bells. Why is it that I can practically hear him starting right after his diagnosis with 'Promise me you'll move on, Bella'? Hmm?"

"Bcusyerright," I mumbled.

"What was that?" Emmett cocked his head to the side and cupped a hand around his ear. "I couldn't quite make that you."

"Because you're right," I said forcefully. "Because I can probably recall every conversation where he told me he wanted to me to move on and I repeatedly told him how stupid that idea was, because I was trying to be strong for him."

Emmett leaned back against the couch and smiled. "So why the panic attack little girl?"

"First, you know I hate when you call me that. Second, it was weird Emmett. I _wanted_ to kiss him. I threw him out because I knew if he stayed, I'd do nothing _but_ kiss him for the rest of the night. What . . . what am I supposed to do?"

"Last time I checked, I lack the fabulous rack that Tanya Denali has. You might want to ask for her professional opinion on that. However," he held up a hand when I opened my mouth to protest. "However, I think you take things one step at a time. There's no harm in kissing someone, Bella. If I were a betting man, I'd say Dexter would probably evenapprove of Edward."

"Sandy won't. This is just going to be another example of how I didn't love her son enough. I swear, sometimes I think she wants to blame the cancer on me," I snorted.

"Then she's just as clueless as I always thought. But Bella, you have to remember that she's hurting too. Her only son died. You're the closest connection she has to him. And I know how that twisted mind of yours works so I want you to know that I'm only saying this once. You're in charge of remembering it, okay? I'm not going to tell Sandy about you and Edward. That's up to you. I know you're not in a relationship with him, but I'm not stupid honey. You want to be, despite your best attempts at sabotaging yourself. Let it flow. Let things happen as they will. I'm always here if you need to bounce ideas off of someone. Just not at four in the morning," he yawned as he climbed off of the couch.

"Thanks," I said softly as he hugged me and headed for the door.

I collapsed in to bed, looking forward to sleeping off all of the frustration and annoyance so I could wake up and apologize to Edward.

###

_I was behind the bar at The Last Call cleaning something because the place was ridiculously slow, when I heard someone call my name._

_Dexter._

_I whipped around and there he sat, in the stool almost always occupied by Edward these days. _

_"Hey." His blue eyes sparkled and he smiled at me. _

_I felt my knees go weak. "Dexter. How are you . . . what are you . . . Why?"_

_"I figured it was time to pay you another visit, Bella. How are you, really? You doing okay?"_

_"Can't you see everything over there? Don't you know that I'm a miserable mess without you?"_

_"A miserable mess who very much kissed Edward last night," he smirked._

_I blushed and stared at the floor. "It felt wrong."_

_"You were always a terrible liar. It didn't feel wrong, it felt __**different**__. Different isn't so bad."_

_"He's not you."_

_"What's your point? Hey, thanks for throwing the party for my parents. I meant to ask you, but you know . . . " He voice trailed off and he shrugged. "It's going to mean a lot to mom. And will be the perfect time for you to introduce her to Edward."_

_"I always knew you were delusional, Dexter Matthew."_

_"Whoa ho ho, pulling out the big guns with my middle name. Still not scared of your mean voice, Bell. Introduce them. I like him, you know," he added softly. "Emmett was right about that, but please - for the love of all that is holy - don't tell him he's right. I'm sure you know why."_

_I nodded, "He's an insufferable bastard when he knows he's right about something."_

_Dexter laughed and I felt a warmth spreading through my chest that I hadn't felt in so long. "He is that, but he is right. Edward's good for you. Now, I seem to remember telling you that you didn't have to jump on the first guy that came along but I have to say I respect this choice. You smile when you're with him and I miss seeing that smile." _

_His hand ghosted over my cheek and I tried to lean into it, to feel his touch against my skin again but all I felt was a cool breeze. "I miss you all the time."_

_"I know baby. But don't let that hold you back. You have my initials tattooed on your body so I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I don't think you're ever going to forget me." _

_I shook my head, tears brimming in my eyes. "I could never forget you."_

_"Then there you have it. I need to go."_

_"Dexter, wait! There's so much I want to ask you about."_

_"Next time, beautiful. I love you," he said as he walked through the door. I tried to follow his form as he walked down the block, but I lost him when he walked behind a box truck._

###

I woke with a start and rubbed my eyes. It wasn't the first dream I'd had about Dexter and I was pretty sure it wouldn't be the last but they alway shook me. He only ever came to me when I had something major to work out and I briefly wondered if the dreams were a result of my conscious and subconscious worrying over things.

It was after noon and I knew I should call Edward and apologize for my behavior the night before. I threw one hand over my eyes and reached out for my phone with the other. Peaking through my fingers, I found his number and pressed send.

"What?" he snapped.

He was angry. And frustrated. I didn't blame him one bit.

"I'm sorry," I muttered. "I shouldn't have called."

He sighed heavily, "No Bella, it's okay. I shouldn't have snapped at you."

"Actually, I deserved that."

"You kind of did."

I laughed, but it came out strangled and awkward. "Yeah. Hey, about last night. I'm really sorry. I'd love to make you a late lunch and explain it if you'll let me."

I could hear the hesitancy in his voice, but he agreed to come by and I bolted for the shower when we hung up.

Forty minutes later I was showered and standing over a pot of soup in the kitchen when Edward knocked. "Be right there!" I called.

I gave the pot one more quick stir and ran to open the door. I took a deep breath, slid the chain back and opened the door. He looked . . . well, he looked like crap. There were dark circles that rivaled my own under his eyes, his hair was messier than usual and I couldn't tell whether he'd changed his clothes or not. I gave him my best smile and motioned for him to follow me into the apartment.

He sat on the couch staring off into space while I finished up the soup and brought him a bowl. We ate in silence and only after I'd taken all of the dishes back into the kitchen to soak did he speak.

"Last night was hard on me too, you know," he said quietly.

"I know."

"I wouldn't have asked about him if I didn't want to know and that I could handle. But then you kiss me and freak out and make me leave and you gave me _Abbey Road _on vinyl, Bella. Do you even know what that album means to me?"

"I . . . well you're always humming that one song so I thought it might be something you'd like."

"It's become a favorite recently," he laughed bitterly. "I'm just so confused. What do you want, Bella? I'm trying to be patient here, but when you kissed me like that . . . I don't know, I thought we'd made progress."

"Hey, I said I was sorry," I said defensively. "It was just too soon. And confusing. I want to do that with you. All the time. I just think it might be too soon and despite Dexter being okay with it, I - "

"What do you _mean_ 'Dexter being okay with it'?"

"I dream about him sometimes. He's always very encouraging when it comes to you. I dreamt of him the night before I called and accepted that coffee date. Then last night, I had another dream and he told me that Emmett was right, that you were a good influence and I'm word vomiting. You can stop me any time here, Edward."

His face broke into a smile I was very familiar with and he shook his head. "No, go on. I'm enjoying this."

* * *

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**Thanks to the right half of my brain for her comments and thoughts on this chapter. **

**_Inconceivable_ by AccioBourbon is absolutely owning me.  
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	4. Save Me

**I don't own Twilight, its characters or anything else that is publicly recognizable. Dexter, his family and these words are mine. Please don't steal.**

**My betas are wonderful, amazing people. Thank you, K&T.  
**

**

* * *

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You look like a perfect fit  
for a girl in need of a tourniquet.  
-_Save Me_, Aimee Mann

"I need to pick up my dress from the seamstress. Did you get your tux taken care of? My parents invited Tom and Sandy out to dinner and Mom swears Sandy doesn't suspect a thing."

Bella was rambling again, because the anniversary party she'd been planning for Dexter's parents was only two days away and she was in full on stress mode.

"Bella. Sweetheart, calm down. My tux is hanging in the closet at my place. Emmett picked your dress up for you yesterday and that's in _your_ closet. The venue is set, your parents are taking care of the guests of honor and there will be an open bar. Take a few deep breaths and calm down. And once you're calm, prepare to do some more heavy lifting."

"Are you kidding, Edward? I thought we got everything last night!"

"There are a few more boxes and Rose decided she doesn't want the couch after all, so I've got that. Don't worry," I said when she started to protest, "Emmett's coming to help with the couch. I'm pretty sure he has ulterior motives, though."

Bella smiled and laughed. "Maybe. Fine, let me make a few more phone calls to check on RSVPs, then we can head over to your old place and grab that stuff." She rushed past me and kissed me on the cheek. "While you're waiting, why don't you head upstairs and do some unpacking, _neighbor_?"

After I heard Bella's bedroom door shut, I headed up to my new apartment. I'd been worried that I wouldn't get the vacant place in Bella's building, so when I got the call, I was thrilled. I didn't tell Bella until she asked for my address to mail me an invitation to the anniversary party.

To be honest, I wasn't comfortable going to the party. Bella had begged, Emmett had coerced and even Rosalie had encouraged me to go, since she would be there and Jasper and Alice were flying in. Bella was dead set on introducing me to Dexter's parents at this thing and the thought made me sick to my stomach.

I'd met the Robinsons briefly at the funeral, but there hadn't been a real introduction. Sandy had essentially thrown herself at Rosalie and thanked her over and over again for her father, who'd been one of Dexter's doctors through the entire process. The idea of meeting them formally, while being at their anniversary party with Bella - the anniversary party she would have been at with Dexter if circumstances were different - was completely daunting.

I was worried. About how they would react, about how Bella would react to their reaction, about how Bella would hold up in general. I was also worried about how everyone else at the party would react to me being there with Bella, because I only knew a handful of people who'd been invited. I knew the eyes of Forks would be on me, judging every move and wondering why Bella had brought me. I wondered if Bella would even acknowledge that I was there with her, especially when it came to Dexter's parents.

I kept thinking about the party and my fears as I climbed the flight of stairs between Bella's floor and mine. I wanted to get as much of the kitchen unpacked as possible, since I was planning to invite Bella up for dinner after we picked up the last few boxes from my old place.

Half an hour later, Bella knocked before letting herself in, and followed the sound of my voice into the kitchen. I was just putting away the last of the plates when she poked her head around the corner.

"Hey you," she smiled. She took two steps toward me and pressed a kiss on my jaw.

"Mmm, hi," I whispered, wrapping my arms around her waist.

This was as much affection as we showed each other, even when we were alone, unless we were in a room with the lights off and a bad movie on in the background. In that situation, she'd let me hold her and occasionally kiss her for real. It may have been sad, or even pathetic, but I lived for those moments.

I had erroneously assumed that after her revelation about wanting to kiss me and spend time with me, things would progress for us and even hoped her dreams about Dexter would help prod her in a direction I was more comfortable with. I'd spent time talking with Emmett and though he was encouraging, he advised me to be patient.

I buried my face in Bella's hair and inhaled deeply. "You ready to go?" I murmured.

"Whenever you are," she said into my chest.

I grabbed my keys off of the counter and jingled them. "Let's ride, lady."

###

"I just cannot lift another box, Edward. Let's watch a movie until Emmett gets here to help with the couch. How are you moving the couch, by the way?" Bella yawned.

"Trailer attached to the back of Em's Jeep."

"Makes sense." She sat up and started digging through a box near her feet. "I thought I saw a few DVDs in here when I grabbed it from your room," she mumbled. "Ah ha! Got one!" She proudly held up _Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back._

She dug around in the box a bit more and found my laptop. After she'd plugged it in and arranged it on the coffee table, she tugged my hand until I was sitting next to her on the couch. I knew better than to think she'd want to be held, so with a resigned sigh I leaned against the back of the couch and focused on the movie.

I jerked awake at the sound of a door slamming.

"Well isn't this just the cutest, coziest thing I've ever seen?" Rosalie said snidely.

I shushed Rose and roused Bella, asking her to drive my car home while I stayed behind to move the couch. Bella rubbed her eyes a bit and nodded. "Hey Rosalie," she said, clearly uncomfortable.

"Hey." Rosalie gave Bella a half wave.

After Bella left, I turned to Rosalie and stared.

"What the hell was that about?" I finally asked.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Edward. I was being serious." Her voice was dripping with sarcasm. "It was so _sweet_ to come in and see you all cuddled up on the couch with Bella Swan. I didn't know you two were so close."

"Rose, you know I've been hanging out with her."

"I've been hanging out with Emmett. You don't see me sleeping on a couch with him," she quipped.

"I wouldn't fault you if you did. If it doesn't involve me, I don't care what you do."

"Why her, Edward? Do you have a thing for lost causes? Should I just call you John?"

"I'm sorry, what?"

She rolled her eyes at me. "Saint John the Evangelist is the patron saint of grief. You're the worst Catholic I know."

"I haven't practiced in years."

"You learn the saints in CCD, Edward. Whatever, not the point. My point is, you're trying awfully hard to fix Bella. Why? What's so special about her?"

"Rosalie, are you . . . jealous?"

"No," she said petulantly, crossing her arms across her chest.

"I cannot believe you! You're the one who said we were over! I tried for _months_ to fix our relationship and you would not help me. You fought me every step of the way and now you're jealous that I might be interested in someone else? Unbelievable."

"Whatever, Edward." She stalked out of the room and I heard the door to her bedroom slam shut.

I considered following her and trying to talk to her about this, but Emmett rang the door bell just as I started up the stairs. While we wrestled the couch out of the house, I expressed my frustration that my relationship with Bella hadn't moved forward all that much. I felt awful and awkward all at once, because I knew Bella went to him when she had things she needed to work out, and I didn't want to be a burden.

"Think of it this way, man," Emmett huffed as we lifted the piece of furniture onto the trailer. "She's stressed about this party she never intended to plan on her own. She had to get this fancy dress - and have you met Bella? Bella doesn't do fancy. I swear she would have made one of those duct tape dresses for prom if she thought her mother and Sandy would let her get away with it. She's also super stressed because she's going to have to introduce you to Dexter's parents as her _date_ that night. Dude, I'm not even gonna lie to you, she asked me to go with her as a cover. I had to tell her hell no, because Rosalie agreed to go with me. Sandy's not stupid; she knows I've been after that girl since ninth grade."

"How would Dexter's mother know that?"

"Sandy was kind of like the community mom. She listened to everything we couldn't tell our parents or our friends and to the best of our knowledge, she kept that to herself. I know nothing _I_ told her ever made it back to my parents because I actually asked my mom about it not long ago."

"That's nice of her. Do you think maybe Bella's wrong about Sandy being horrible?"

Emmett nearly doubled over in laughter. "Not at all."

My phone rang with a text and I sighed. Bella had picked up a shift at work, so dinner was off.

"Wanna grab a beer at The Last Call after we get this into the building?"

"Absolutely," Emmett smiled.

###

Because we'd lost track of time playing Guitar Hero, it was nearly midnight by the time Emmett and I got to the bar, and they were slammed.

Bella was rushing around behind the bar, taking and filling orders, and calling things out to Ben while she worked. Her face lit up with a smile when she saw us walk in. She finished mixing a drink for the girl standing in front of her and ran to the taps to pour a couple of beers for us.

"I cannot believe how busy this place is tonight," Bella said, sliding the glasses in front of Emmett and me. "Kate's going to be so pissed she missed this. Sorry I can't hang out, but my servers are swamped right now."

Emmett and I fell into easy conversation after Bella took off. He told me more about growing up with Bella and Dexter and I was surprised to find we had similar stories about Jasper, at least when it came to alcohol. I genuinely enjoyed hanging out with Emmett and was grateful he was so accepting of me and willing to befriend me.

I was surprised when Ben flipped a light switch behind the bar and bellowed "Last call for alcohol!" around 1:30. The bar was still decently full and the throng of people all rushed the bar to get their last drinks and settle up their tabs, so I didn't really pay attention to the commotion at the front door.

"Bellllllllaaaaaa!" I heard a male voice cry. I was immediately reminded of Marlon Brando and Emmett cracked up when I told him so.

I vaguely recognized the guy who pushed his way past the crowd and up to where Bella stood behind the bar. "Gimme a beer, Bella!"

"Ty, you're loaded. No way."

"Come onnnn, Bellllaaaaa," he whined. "Juss one."

"No."

"Who is that?" I asked, turning to Emmett.

"Tyler Crowley," he laughed.

"Huh. Name's not familiar, but he is. Must've seen him around from time to time."

"He was at the funeral. He's Dexter's cousin."

Bella was still arguing about the beer with Tyler when he held up a hand to quiet her. "Fine. Don't want your skunky beer anyways. Do wanna know why you're fucking someone so soon after my cousin died."

"Excuse me?" Bella asked, wide eyed. The entire bar had fallen eerily silent as people watched the confrontation between the two of them.

"Ran into Rose fucking Hale earlier. She says you were sleeping with her ex, that Cullen guy. 'S he here? I wanna talk t'him," Tyler slurred.

"I think you should go home. You don't need to talk to Edward."

"That's none of your fucking business, Bella."

I stood up and eyed him. "Bella, it's okay. I don't mind talking to . . . " Damnit, I'd forgotten his name already.

"Tyler," she supplied, glaring at him.

"Tyler. How can I help you man?"

"Don't fucking 'man' me, you jackass. What the hell are you doing here? Why are you messing with my cousin's girl?"

I couldn't help but stare at him with my jaw hanging open. "I'm sorry?"

"What. Are. You. Doing. With. Bella?"

"I wasn't aware that I needed your permission to have friends." Bella had come out from behind the bar and she poked him in the chest.

"You don't. Back off, Bella. I mean it." He gripped her wrist tightly and she gasped.

"Let go. Tyler, let go. That hurts."

"What are you doing with her?" he snapped again. "Not good enough for her. Dexter was good enough for her. You're not."

"We're friends."

"Ty, I think you need to go," Bella said quietly. "You're obviously drunk and I don't want you here right now."

"It hasn't even been a year and you're fucking the first guy who comes along?"

Bella gasped and shook her head. "Are you kidding me with this Tyler? I'm not fucking him," she sneered. "He told you, we're friends."

"You fell asleep on a couch with him and Rose said you looked pretty cozy. How could you do this to Dexter? You ungrateful bitch, he did everything for you. He _lived_ for you and this is how you repay him?"

I wanted to jump in to defend Bella and our actions earlier in the day, but she was in Tyler's face before I could say anything, and Emmett put a hand on my arm when I took a step forward, quietly telling me she had this.

"First of all, fuck off. You don't know shit. So I fell asleep watching a movie with my friend. Happens all the time with Emmett. Are you gonna go try to kick his ass too? Yeah, didn't think so," she spat when Tyler shook his head. "Second, fuck _you_. Dexter made me swear to move on. Made me promise him. Let me guess, you fall in with the crowd who thinks I didn't love him enough, don't you? None of you have a clue what things were like between us. The entire lot of you who swear I couldn't have loved him as much as he loved me weren't there when he got that fucking diagnosis. Not one of you were there when we talked about what life would be like after he was gone and how worried he was about all of you. You fuckers all got letters from him, all I got was one last kiss," she sobbed.

She took a moment and a deep, steadying breath before continuing. "So excuse me for doing what he wanted me to do. I'm not sleeping with Edward - not that it's any of your fucking business. But he _is_ my friend and he _does_ hang out when I need someone to help hold me together. Let's face it, Ty, none of you gives a shit how I'm doing. Sure, you ask when you see me. But not one of you listens to my answers.

"Your aunt," she hissed, "stopped asking me after two months. Now she just assumes that I'm fine. Oh, she still asks me to go to grief meetings with her and gets upset when I don't. You know why I don't? Because they tell me the same thing all of you do, that I don't grieve the right way for the only person who knew me better than I know myself. Who the fuck are any of you to judge how I grieve someone I loved more than my life?"

She took several deep breaths and clutched at my hand. I squeezed hers to let her know I was there for her. "I think it's time for you to go, Tyler," she said, voice full of venom and determination. "I'll see you at the party."

Tyler looked me in the eye and the corners of his mouth twisted up in a devious grin. "She's a slut, Cullen. I hope she ruins your family the same way she ruined mine."

I was pretty certain I couldn't be held responsible for my actions after that, so when I hauled back and punched him in the eye, I didn't feel bad about it at all. Tyler collapsed, spitting just about every curse word ever invented - and a few I was sure were made up - at me.

"Edward, don't," Bella said, grabbing my arm. "He's not worth it. Tyler, I'll grab you a bag of ice for your eye, then you're leaving." She rushed off to the kitchen and returned a moment later with a plastic bag full of ice. "Out," she said as she shoved it against his eye.

"You're a fucking bitch, Bella," he screamed as Emmett and another guy dragged him toward the door.

It was so quiet you could hear chairs and stools scraping as people shuffled toward the door. Bella was crying, but when I reached out to comfort her, she pushed my hand away. "I'll be fine. Ben, I'll be right back," she took off toward the back of the bar and I sighed heavily.

"Hey man, you want this for your hand?" Ben asked, holding out a towel with ice to me.

"Thanks."

* * *

**I do apologize that this took forever to get out. I sent the first draft of this to my prereader (My Wonder Twin, the Bernstein to my Woodward) and she basically said "Don't post that shit." Thank her, because she was completely right. **

**I'm reading **_**Expectations & Other Moving Pieces **_**(chrometurtle), **_**Bella & the Geek**_** (rebeccakay27), and **_**Hide & Drink**_** (savage – only available on Twilighted). **

**Finally, **_**The Kübler Ross Model**_** is up for two Indie Twific awards. Voting starts 2/20. I don't know who nominated me, but thank you. I'm a puddle of goo. (www(dot)theindietwificawards(dot)com).**


	5. If I Told You This Was Killing Me

**Oh, look at that. Two updates in one week. Truthfully, a lot of this was cut from the original version of chapter 4, so I'm asking politely that you not get used to this kind of update schedule from me.**

**As always, Katie & Trin make my words prettier. J stops me from melting down on a daily basis.**

**I don't own Twilight, its characters or anything else that is publicly recognizable. Dexter, his family and these words are mine. Please don't steal.  
**

* * *

Now you're standing on your soapbox,  
yelling from the rooftops.  
Everything you say is a lie.  
Listen here's the clever one  
who speaks before his thoughts are done.  
Watch your mouth, hold your tongue.  
Some things are better left unsaid.  
If I told you this was killing me, would you stop?  
-_If I Told You This Was Killing Me, Would You Stop?_ The Juliana Theory

_I can do this. I can do this. This is going to be a piece of cake. They're going to love the party, they're going to love seeing everyone and they're even going to like Edward. I can totally do this._

_I __**so**__ can't do this._

"Edward, I can't do this," I said through the bathroom door.

"It'll be fine, Bella. You've spent all this time planning this party, why do you think you can't do it now?"

"They're going to hate it."

"They're going to love it."

"I know them better than you do."

"Are you ready yet?" he asked for the thousandth time, successfully changing the subject. "We're going to be late if we don't leave now."

"I'll be ready in five minutes, and we're not going to be late. They're not even going to be there for another two hours. You're such a fruitcake, Edward," I snapped through the closed bathroom door.

"I'll be in your bedroom, adjusting this monkey suit."

"Whatever."

I fluffed my hair a few more times, tugging at curls here and there, and trying to make myself look presentable. I took a step back from the mirror and inhaled deeply, looking over the dress I was wearing. I'd gone shopping on my own and found a pretty, deep green dress with narrow black straps. I'd put on subtle make-up, not because I was a fan of it or necessarily _wanted _to wear it, but because I wanted to look pretty for Edward.

I rolled my eyes and silently chastised myself. It had been so long since I'd felt the need to dress to impress someone, but here I was, dressing up for a party and wearing make-up because I thought Edward would like it. It felt different, but not bad, kind of like kissing him.

I took another deep breath and willed my racing heart to slow down as I opened the bathroom door. "Ready to go?"

Edward's eyes grew wide when he saw my reflection in the floor length mirror on my closet door.

"You certainly clean up well," he smirked. I watched as his eyes took everything in and he chuckled a bit when he reached my feet. "No heels tonight?"

"They're in my bag. I don't do heels," I mumbled. "Do you like the dress without that sparkly thing on it? It just felt too much like a prom dress with it there."

"You're absolutely stunning."

I felt my face heat with a blush and smiled. "You don't look so bad yourself." The tux he was wearing looked as though it had been tailored just for him, and it probably had, I thought to myself. He'd even agreed to wear a tie and pocket square that matched my dress.

I grabbed the card I'd purchased for Dexter's parents and followed Edward to the car. We rode most of the way to the restaurant in Port Angeles in silence, because I couldn't stop focusing on the inevitable inquisition I'd face after introducing him to Dexter's parents.

"I'm going to have to introduce you to Tom and Sandy tonight," I said suddenly, when we were just a few minutes away.

"I gathered. How . . . What are you going to say?" His voice was laced with concern.

"Well, 'Happy Anniversary, this is my date' is a little harsh, right?" I chewed my thumb nail nervously.

"Might be. How about 'This is Edward'? Too general?" he asked playfully. I reminded myself to thank him for trying to lighten the mood.

"Maybe. I don't know. I'll wing it," I said to myself.

He laughed quietly when I fumbled with the heels in my bag and slid them on in place of my flip flops.

"Shut up, you ass," I hissed. I closed my eyes and gave myself another pep talk before smiling up at him. "Let's do this."

As soon as we walked into the restaurant, the hostess whisked us to the back room, where the staff had decorated everything in black and silver - Tom and Sandy's wedding colors. I'd spent hours poring over pictures Dexter had given me, examining the exact set up of the tables at their reception so that these were identical.

I sighed with relief when I saw that the collages I'd worked on for three weeks had all made it in once piece - note to self, thank Emmett - and were displayed around the room. The first thing Dexter had done when he'd started planning this party was go through old photo albums and sneak pictures out to copy or scan so he could put these together.

I grew teary when I reached one in particular, which was filled with pictures of my family with the Robinsons. There were pictures of Sandy and Renee, both hugely pregnant, standing together. There was one of my mom holding Dexter the day he was born, and right next to it, one of Sandy three days later, holding me as a newborn. This particular collage had been both the easiest and hardest to work on, as I'd used one Dexter and I had put together for his memorial service, adding pictures of his parents as I saw fit.

I wandered around the room greeting people and making sure everyone was comfortable. I hadn't seen the majority of them since the funeral, so there were a lot of hands on my shoulders as people told me how they'd admired my strength while I'd been giving the eulogy. It took everything in me not to snort and laugh at them, because these people I hadn't seen in months admired me, but the people I saw nearly every day thought I wasn't handling things well at all.

Half an hour later, I found Edward in the crowd. He was talking with Emmett, Rosalie and her brother Jasper, and a short, dark haired woman I recognized from the funeral but didn't know. I carefully arranged my face in what I hoped was a relaxed smile as I approached them. I hadn't seen Rosalie since the day she'd walked in on Edward and me sleeping on the couch and I desperately wanted to hold my anger in at this party.

"Hey Jasper! It's so good to see you. I'm glad you could make it," I said, hugging him.

He gave me a soft smile and whispered that he was sorry. I glared at Emmett over his shoulder, figuring he'd told Jasper about the incident with Tyler. "Bella, this is my wife, Alice."

"Well aren't you just the cutest thing ever?" Alice drawled. "Alice Hale. Pleased to meet ya." She shoved her hand in to mine and I was shocked because Alice didn't have the dead fish handshake I was expecting.

"Bella Swan. Nice to meet you," I said awkwardly.

We stood in a tight group, talking for a while and I was very aware of Edward's hand on the small of my back and the double takes a lot of the guests were giving me when they walked by and said brief hellos. I shifted uncomfortably, hoping my squirming would drive the point home, but he didn't get it. I finally took a step away from him under the guise of trying to hear Alice better.

During the course of our conversation, I learned that Alice was born and raised in Biloxi, Mississippi and was a high school guidance counselor. I was more than a bit surprised - as was Rosalie, I noted with satisfaction - to hear that she'd gotten a job in Port Angeles and she and Jasper would be moving from Texas within a month.

I laughed to myself more than once at her deep southern accent and earned a smile when I told her the kids at Port Angeles High would be all over her like white on rice because she sounds so much like Paula Deen. "Oh, honey," Alice said with a wink, "Paula's right about one thing. Don't you know butter and sugar are the two greatest ingredients in cooking?"

I excused myself when my cell phone rang and talked quietly with my mom for a few moments. After hanging up, I raised my voice and nervously announced that Tom and Sandy would be arriving shortly. I ran around making sure everything was perfect before they showed up and avoided Rosalie's attempts to pull me aside more than once. I knew she wanted to apologize, but I wasn't in the mood for it and I certainly didn't have time for a dissertation from her about her reasons for tattling to Tyler about Edward and me.

Tom and Sandy were absolutely thrilled when everyone greeted them with a hearty "Surprise!" as they entered the room. I let them do their thing and make their rounds because it had been just a long time since they'd seen a lot of their friends and, like me, this was their first major public event after Dexter's death.

By the time we sat down for dinner - an exact match of the food they'd served at their wedding reception - I still hadn't had a chance to talk with them. When I'd put together the table assignments, I made sure to put myself at a table with Emmett, because I knew I would need the support.

He, however, took a step back as we approached the table, and let Edward pull out my chair and help me settle in. I couldn't help but glare a little in Emmett's direction. He was so fucking wrapped up in his stupid date with Rosalie that he wasn't being much of a supportive friend at all. Edward seemed more than happy to be there for me, and was all smiles when I agreed to dance with him after dinner was cleared.

We'd just taken our place on the dance floor when Tom and Sandy made their way over to us. "Hey you two," I said shyly. "Happy anniversary."

"Bella, this was such a wonderful surprise! We weren't even going to celebrate this year." Sandy had tears shining in her eyes and I was so thrilled to know she was enjoying herself.

"It was all Dexter," I said softly. "Everything was his idea. I just followed directions. Happy anniversary."

"It's wonderful. Thank you so much," Tom said as he enveloped me in a tight hug. "He'd be so proud of you," he whispered in my ear.

When he pulled back, I saw his eyes shift toward Edward, and I was immediately aware that Sandy's eyes were slightly narrowed, like she was trying to figure out where she knew him from.

"I'm sorry, I don't think we've met," Sandy said to Edward after a moment.

"Oh! I'm so sorry!" I was flustered. "This is my friend, Edward Cullen. Edward, these are Dexter's parents, Tom and Sandy."

"Happy anniversary, Mr. and Mrs. Robinson."

Tom reached out and warmly shook Edward's hand, while Sandy cocked her head to one side and watched him. She snapped her fingers after a moment. "I remember you! You moved to Washington with Rosalie Hale, didn't you? I'm so sorry, has Emmett stolen your date away?"

"Emmett hasn't stolen a thing, Mrs. Robinson," Edward said smoothly. "I brought Bella tonight."

I had to give Sandy credit, she looked appropriately flustered at her faux mistake. Unfortunately for me, she wasn't nearly the actress she thought she was and I knew she'd spoken with Tyler and I'd be getting an earful later.

"I'm so sorry," Sandy said smoothly, her eyes focused on me. "I wasn't aware. Tom, we really should say hello to the Butlers. They're here all the way from Dallas."

Tom shot a look of sympathy over his shoulder as Sandy dragged him away and I buried my face in Edward's shoulder. "I'm so fucked."

"What are you talking about?" Edward asked incredulously. "You were worried she was going to freak about us sleeping on that couch, though I still don't know why her opinion matters so damn much. Obviously Tyler didn't tell her, she didn't even know I'd broken up with Rose."

"Oh, she knows. Trust me, Edward. I've known that woman my entire life. She knows, but she's too self righteous and polite to say anything about it in front of you. I'm going to get one hell of an earful when she can get me alone. So you," I poked him in the chest, "now have the task of not leaving me alone all night. Think you can stick to me like glue?"

His eyes sparkled. "I think I can handle that."

The party was winding down and I still had to give Tom and Sandy their gift, so I begged off of another dance with Edward and went in search of them.

"Bella," Tom said after I'd found him. "This has been such a lovely night. I know Sandy is thrilled. Thank you so very much. Dance with me?"

I smiled at the man who looked so much like one I'd lost and stepped into his arms. "Love to, Tom. I'm glad you're having a good time."

"It's been more than I could have hoped for. I meant what I said earlier - Dex would be proud of you. Especially for bringing a date. A bit later than his funeral, but I imagine he'd let you slide on that," he teased.

I rolled my eyes. "You're such an enabler, Tom. It's strange," I admitted, "not being here with him. He started planning this four years ago, but didn't _really_ start planning until last November. But I like being here with someone who isn't Emmett. I . . . think Dexter would've liked Edward."

"I think so, too," he said thoughtfully. "I don't know if I ever thanked you for being there for him. He was pretty sure everyone would abandon him when he got sick, but you never did. I know you two were thick as thieves your whole lives, but he told me more than once he regretted not making you his sooner."

I blushed and reached up to wipe a tear from his cheek. "I wouldn't have left him for anything, you know? I was scared to death when he called me to go to Dr. Hale's office, but I couldn't _not _go with him. I think that, other than giving the eulogy at his funeral, going to that appointment was the hardest thing I've ever done."

"You did a great job, Bells. And I know I've said this a hundred times since February, but you can come to me with anything. You're like the daughter I never had. I'd do anything for you."

"Stop," I sniffed, "you're making me cry. I know, Tom. I know. I'll keep that in mind."

He twirled me once as the song ended and kissed my forehead gently. "Love you, kiddo. Go find that handsome man you came with and tell him to take care of my favorite girl," he said with a wink.

"Hey, I need to give you guys your gift. Where's Sandy?"

Tom glanced over my shoulder and waved Sandy over. "Honey, Bella has something to give us."

"There's really no need, sweetheart. The party is enough."

I cleared my throat and shrugged. "This is . . . the party was actually Dexter's gift to you. He got this brilliant idea just after we started dating to throw you a huge party this year. So he opened this bank account and then after he was diagnosed, he added me as a signer to it because he didn't want you to find out about it. Swear that kid thought he was James Bond, but whatever. So yeah, I wasn't kidding when I said this was all him. And I almost didn't do it because I didn't want to stress you out. I was just gonna . . . I guess I was just going to give you guys the cash or something, because I wouldn't have felt right using it unless it was for you, you know?

"So anyway, this is my gift to you," I said, passing Sandy an envelope. "You don't have to open it now, but I want you to know that I'm not taking no for an answer. You deserve to spend some time together, away from people asking if you're okay all the time. So there's a couple of tickets to Hawaii in there, and there's a room in your name at the Hilton in Honolulu. Um . . . I hope you don't mind, but they're for the last weekend in February. I thought it might be a good distraction?"

"Bella . . ." Tom shook his head slowly. "Sweetie, this is too much. We can't accept this."

Sandy had thrown her arms around my neck and was sobbing uncontrollably. She seemed so grateful for the gift, and she was really sweet about everything until Tom walked away to tell my parents what a wonderful daughter they'd raised.

"Isabella, what you did was uncalled for," she sniffed, wiping tears from her eyes.

"Not really. I wanted to do something for you guys. This year has been a bitch for all of us, and I know you're the only two who really get what I'm going through and I just thought - "

"I'm not talking about the gift," she snapped. "How could you bring _him_ to our party?"

My brow furrowed in confusion. "Edward? What's wrong with Edward?"

Sandy huffed. "Any man who will live with a woman he's not married to gets no respect from me."

"What the . . . ? He moved here because he was trying to salvage his relationship with Rosalie. I mean, that obviously didn't work, but he was trying. For her."

"I suppose they were sleeping together?"

"I imagine so, but that's not really any of my business."

"Ridiculous. _Children_ having sex. I'm so glad my son never -"

"You're kidding, right?"

"He knew how I felt about those things. He would never -"

"He would, and he did. Trust me, I was there."

"Is that what you were doing with Edward when Rosalie walked in on you two? Oh, I heard all about it from Tyler," she said, holding up a hand to stop me from interrupting her. "On the couch in her living room, Bella? That's despicable! How could you _do_ that? Your mother will be so disappointed and I really can't believe you'd disrespect Dexter that way."

"Oh for fuck's sake, Sandy. Yes, I was sleeping with Edward Cullen on a couch in Rosalie Hale's living room. _Sleeping_. I was helping him move. We'd gotten everything but the couch and were waiting for Emmett . . . You know what? It doesn't even matter why we were there. I put a movie in, and we fell asleep. What the hell is with your family? It happens all the time with Emmett, and no one thinks poorly of me for it!"

"Well you've known Emmett forever, dear. He's been there for you since Dexter passed, it's expected that you'll spend time with him. Besides, I know Dexter wanted you to have friends."

I smacked my palm to my forehead. "That's _exactly_ what I tried to explain to your nephew the other night. Dexter _wanted_ me to move on. Jesus Christ Sandy, your husband told me he was proud of me for bringing a date. I'm not even dating him! We're friends! I brought my friend to your party because Emmett turned me down. Fuck, Rosalie Hale says yes to him one time and he's putty in her hands."

"You really should watch your language, Bella. It really is a shame you're so comfortable taking the Lord's name in vain."

"Whatever. I don't . . . this was supposed to be a good night for you. You know I did two things tonight Dexter wanted? I threw this fucking party for you and I put myself out there. I brought a date. I'm trying to move on, which is _what he wanted _and this is the thank you I get from you? You're screwed up so much further than I thought."

"I'm sorry you feel that way. Perhaps your _friend_ can help you work out your nasty attitude. I'd like to have a conversation with you about your lack of respect for my son's memory, but I won't do it until you can be rational."

"I . . . I . . . Good night Sandy."

Sandy drew her shoulders back and narrowed her eyes at me. "He's not nearly as good as Dexter, you know. No one will be. I'm sorry my son spent the last years of his life with someone who didn't love him. He was better than that. He deserved better than what you gave him and the way you've treated him since he passed away."

I spun around to stare at Sandy, eyes wide and jaw gaping. "I can't believe you. You're the only person who even _remotely_ understands what I've been through in the last seven months and you're attacking me? Go fuck yourself."

I didn't stick around for her response. I was so tired of crying, but I felt defeated and beat down. I ran past Edward and shrugged off the arm he put out to try and catch me. I heard Emmett call my name, but I ignored him too. Rushing through the main dining room, I burst through the doors of the restaurant, stopping only when I reached Edward's car.

I leaned against it, my forehead on my hand, and took deep gulps of the cold, rain soaked air. In that moment, I didn't care that my hair was going to frizz or my dress was going to be ruined, all I cared was that I got hold of myself before someone found me.

I couldn't compose myself before Emmett got to me. "Bella? Are you okay?"

I shook my head, but didn't speak. I couldn't stop thinking about what Sandy had said to me - that I hadn't been good enough for Dexter, and that I was betraying his memory by doing something he'd asked me to do.

"Why couldn't you just spell it out so everyone could see it?" I sobbed.

"What?"

"Not you, Em. Dexter."

"Spell out what, honey?"

"Moving on. He wrote you guys . . . He gave you letters. I got nothing. And then Sandy . . . " I couldn't continue. I opened my eyes briefly and saw Edward standing off to the side while Emmett slowly rubbed my back and murmured words of encouragement.

I wanted Edward. I wanted to hug him and feel his lips on my forehead and hear his whispered words of encouragement, but after what I'd just endured, I knew it was a bad idea to ask for him. It didn't matter that I knew Sandy was inside, probably telling Tom what an awful person I was, but I wanted Edward.

I didn't think I was _ready_ to want Edward. He was patient and kind and seemed like he really cared, but there was comfort with Emmett because I _knew_ he cared and had my best interests at heart.

I just . . . wanted.


	6. Impossible

**As always, Katie & Trin make my words prettier. J stops me from melting down on a daily basis and basically deserves a co-writing credit on this. She'd like to claim responsibility for your hatred of Sandy. ILY, WT.**

**I don't own Twilight, its characters or anything else that is publicly recognizable. Dexter, his family and these words are mine. Please don't steal.**

* * *

It's impossible to love you,  
if you don't let me know what you're feeling.  
It's impossible for me to give you what you need,  
if you're always hidin' from me  
I don't know what hurt you,  
I just wanna make it right  
' Cause I'm sick and tired of trying to read your mind.  
- _Impossible_, Christina Aguilera

I was so glad the party was winding down. Though I was happy for Bella that everything had gone well, I was dying to get out of my tux and especially the uncomfortable dress shoes I was wearing.

It had been nice to meet the Robinsons formally, to get a chance to speak with them and spend a few moments with them. They seemed like nice people. Tom immediately reminded me of the pictures I'd seen of Dexter and Sandy, while a bit cold, had a classic, timeless beauty about her. Though she tried to hide it, it was clear Sandy was taking Dexter's death harder than Tom. He was at least relaxed and appeared to be enjoying himself, while Sandy's smile never quite met her eyes.

The biggest frustration of the entire night had been Bella's constant squirming while we were talking with Jasper and Alice. I wasn't trying to be overt with what little relationship we had outside the privacy of either of our homes, and I didn't want people to think poorly of her, but I was proud of the beautiful woman I'd accompanied to the party and wanted to show her my support. The moment she stepped out of my reach, I gave up and other than dancing, didn't try to touch her again.

Bella had excused herself to give Tom and Sandy their gift, and I smiled to myself as I watched her dancing with Tom, laughing and looking for all the world like she was having a great time. I lost track of her when Jasper grabbed my attention to ask if I'd be comfortable helping he and Alice move when the time came.

"Of course," I said. "I'd love to help."

He was telling me about the house they'd found and how Alice was planning to decorate it when Bella ran past me. I reached for her, but she shoved my hands away and ran through the main dining room. My eyes scanned the room and found Emmett quickly. Thankfully he'd already seen her and wasn't far behind her.

She was leaning against my car when I got outside. I felt helpless, standing off to the side, watching her cry again. Her eyes, which were sadder than I'd seen them since the funeral, locked on mine. I heard her mutter something about Sandy before she laid her head down again. Her shoulder shook with sobs, and Emmett just shrugged when he looked at me.

My stomach dropped. I was anticipating a bad day around the anniversary of Dexter's death, maybe even Bella's birthday which was just about two weeks away, and my hope was that she would realize I was there to help her through the bad days and lean on me. I hadn't expected the anniversary party to be so emotional for her and I wanted nothing more than to comfort her, but she seemed somewhat content with Emmett whispering quietly into her hair and holding her. I hated knowing there wasn't more I could do, even though I desperately wanted to help her. I tugged at my hair and paced while Bella continued to sob into Emmett's chest.

Emmett waved me toward the car, motioning for me to unlock it. I reached for my keys and realized they weren't in my coat pocket. "Shit, Em. They must be inside. I'll be right back."

I rushed inside, tossing apologies left and right when I knocked in to people. I grabbed the keys and was on my way back to the car when Sandy stopped me.

"Edward, it was so nice to meet you."

"You too, Mrs. Robinson. Happy anniversary. I hate to cut this short, but I'm in a bit of a hurry."

"What exactly are you in a hurry to do, Edward - take advantage of an unstable girl or replace my son?"

My jaw dropped and I felt my eyes widen in surprise. "Bella's upset. I gave her a ride and I need to get her home."

Bella was leaning against my car with Emmett crouched in front of her, holding her hands. I didn't want to interrupt them, so I stood back while they talked quietly. Emmett finally saw me out of the corner of his eye and motioned to Bella.

"Can we go home?" she asked dejectedly.

"Sure." I held my arms out to her, enveloping her in a hug when she stepped forward. Her arms slipped around my waist underneath my jacket and her hands clutched at fist fulls of the vest. We'd hugged before; this was different, she was clinging to me and soaking my shirt with her tears.

"Shhh. Shhh, sweetheart. It's going to be okay." I walked her backwards to the car and helped her in, sliding my hands down her arms and gently prying her fingers away from the fabric she was clinging to.

After I closed the door, I turned to Emmett. "What happened?"

"She was crying too hard for me to get much out of her, but it sounds like Sandy said something pretty awful to her."

"Fuck," I hissed.

"I don't know what happened. Just make sure you keep the Jack away from her when you get her home."

I nodded. "I can do that. Thanks, Em."

"Catch you later. Hey," he said, "take care of her, okay?"

"I will."

I removed my jacket and climbed into the driver's seat. Bella was leaning against the window, staring straight ahead with tears running down her cheeks. "We're going home, baby."

"Don't call me that," she snapped, turning her head quickly to glare at me. Where the sadness had echoed in her eyes only a few minutes before, there was an angry fire burning. "I'm not your fucking baby."

I turned back to the road with a mumbled an apology.

I'd been driving for a little over half an hour when I finally gathered enough courage to talk to Bella. "What happened tonight?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay then." I reached over and started messing with the radio, determined to have some kind of noise in the car, because the silence was overwhelming.

Neither of us spoke again until we reached the apartment building, and it was just a "Your place or mine?" from Bella. She followed me up the stairs to my apartment and took the clothes I gave her silently before shutting herself in my bathroom.

I could hear her sobs over the running shower, but she didn't answer when I called out to her through the door. I left Emmett a voice mail telling him Bella was at my place just in case he wanted to check up on her, grabbed a blanket from my bedroom and lay down on the couch.

Bella came out of the bathroom almost an hour after she'd gone in. I told her my bed was hers to sleep in, and turned over, effectively ending the evening. If she didn't want to talk, I wasn't going to push her to do it.

I stared at the same spot on the wall the entire night. I heard Bella get up and leave, but even when she thanked me for letting her crash and said she'd see me later, I didn't say anything. Eventually, I dragged myself off of the couch and took a long, hot shower. There were things I needed to do for work and I know I should probably unpack some of my stuff, but I just didn't feel like doing any of it.

I flopped back down on the couch and watched a bad movie on TV. My phone rang several times, but I ignored the calls. I didn't have any desire to talk to my mom, Jacob or Emmett. I wanted to talk to Bella; she didn't call me, so I didn't bother trying to contact her.

I knew moving to Forks wasn't a bad thing because it had helped me salvage a friendship with Rosalie, though after the stunt she pulled with Dexter's cousin, I wasn't sure how true our friendship actually was. When we'd broken up, I'd been over the moon because I thought it meant I could pursue Bella. I realized I had to be patient with her, but the mixed signals were really starting to fuck with my head.

I wasn't dumb enough to think girls never played games with guys, and I also knew the situation I was in with Bella was far more delicate than most. She'd admitted she wanted to kiss me, but nothing ever really happened between us unless there was no one around to witness it.

I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to be able to hold her hand in public, or take her on dates without her worrying who saw us and what their reaction might be. I wanted to be able to just . . . be with her, without speculation. Everyone - Emmett, Jacob, Rose, even my mom - told me I needed to be patient with Bella, but I was spent. I was tired of trying to be there for her when she clearly didn't want me.

I was so close to my breaking point, to just giving up and walking away. I'd briefly considered moving back to Chicago, and I knew my parents were all for that idea, but I always felt like Bella deserved one more shot. Part of me was terrified I'd leave and she'd finally get her head out of her ass and realize I wanted her.

The day passed quickly once I started working. I finally sat down to eat dinner around ten, cursing under my breath when there was a knock at my door.

"Emmett? What the . . . ?"

"Look, Bella's birthday's next week and I need help figuring out how to distract her. It's the first since, well you know, and I don't want her to spend the day wallowing."

I stood there listening to Emmett drone on about Bella's birthday and I knew I should care. I did care, but I was so tired of everything that for the first time, I didn't _want_ to care.

"I don't think she wants anything to do with me," I blurted.

"What happened after you left last night?" he asked quietly.

"I asked her what was wrong; she said she didn't want to talk. We didn't talk. She slept in there," I gestured toward my bedroom, "and you're sitting on my bed. She left this morning and I spent all day working. I haven't talked to her."

"Give her time, man. Give everything time."

"I've got plenty of time. What I don't have is a whole hell of a lot of patience any more. She either wants this or she doesn't. I know I can't rush her, so please don't lecture me on that. I just wish she'd stop with the mixed signals. I think I'm just gonna sublet my place and move back to Chicago," I said, shaking my head.

"That's . . . I guess you gotta do what you gotta do, but I think you're making a huge mistake," Emmett said. "Help me do this birthday thing? She'll appreciate it if you're there."

"I might show up. I don't know, what day is it?"

"Her birthday's Sunday. I was going to do something on Friday."

"That's the day I go to Seattle for work. I was planning to stay up there for the weekend."

###

I swore loudly and slammed my fists against the steering wheel when a tractor trailer cut me off for the third time in four miles.

The trip back to Forks was _not_ going smoothly, and suddenly there were at least three more good reasons why I should have stayed in Seattle.

Five minutes later, traffic was at a standstill and I was so fed up that I thought about getting off at the next exit and heading back to the city. I was damn close to deciding to do exactly that when my phone rang. I groaned at the caller ID.

"What Emmett?" I growled.

"I was just calling to see if you were going to make it," he said. I glanced at the clock and realized they'd be at dinner shortly.

"I'm still on the I-5, stuck in traffic. I don't know when I'm going to get there. I'm thinking I might just turn around at the next exit and go back in to the city."

"Oh. He's stuck in traffic and might stay up there," I heard him say to someone in the background. "Give me a second, Edward."

"Sure. Not like I have anything better to do right now," I muttered.

I heard him moving around and talking to a few people. After a minute, he was back. "Are you really going to stay up there? I thought you'd reconsidered that."

"I'm in my car, aren't I? Jesus, Em. I _did_ reconsider. But this traffic is a nightmare and she hasn't even fucking talked to me since the party last week. What the hell am I supposed to think?"

"I wish you could have seen her face when I told her you might not come," he said. "She looked so sad. In fact, she had the same look on her face the day her parents told her she couldn't have a puppy."

"So now I've not only failed as a friend, but I've taken a puppy away from her too? You're fucked up, Emmett. Look . . . if this shit opens up in the next ten minutes, I'll be there. If not, I'll see you next week," I said, even though I already knew I was going back to Forks no matter what.

"Okay, yeah. You do - "

"I know, Em. Do what I gotta do. I'll call you if I get back in tonight."

I clicked off the phone and threw it across the car in frustration. Emmett had dealt a serious low blow, telling me Bella looked like a kid who'd been denied a puppy. I still wasn't decided on going out for the party, but I did want to get home to do some work around the apartment over the weekend. I thought if I didn't go to the party and parked my car in the back of the lot, no one would know when I got home and I could get some stuff done, uninterrupted.

The traffic jam finally cleared and soon I was speeding toward Forks with the music blaring. I made it back in to town five and a half hours later. It was still relatively early, and I knew Bella's birthday party would be at The Last Call by now.

I jumped in the shower to get rid of the car grime and put on sweats when I got out. I stared at the pile of boxes I still hadn't unpacked, and rifled through them, trying to decide which one to tackle first. I still wasn't set on staying in Washington, so unpacking things like photos and books seemed like a bad idea. I gave up on the boxes, deciding I'd watch a movie instead.

I got comfortable on the couch with the remote control and started flipping channels. For a Friday night, nothing good was on TV, and I'd only unpacked about half of my DVDs. I flipped through what was out; none of them seemed appealing. I sighed and watched some ridiculous reality show for a while, then grabbed the book I'd been reading off of the coffee table.

I read half a chapter before slamming it down. I was so focused on finding something besides Bella's birthday party to do that all I could think about was going to Bella's birthday party. I looked at the small boxed I'd wrapped earlier in the week and decided fuck it; I was going to go help her celebrate her birthday.

Twenty minutes later, I'd wrestled my hair into submission and dressed as casually as I thought I could get away with, and was walking toward The Last Call. I walked back and forth in front of the building several times before I finally flung the door open.

"Hey Edward, how are you?" Kate greeted me happily. "Here for the birthday girl's party?"

"I guess," I shrugged, taking the drink Kate passed me. "Thanks for this."

"No problem. They're in the back," she said, pointing to a set of doors I'd never seen before.

"Thanks. I think I'm going to hang out here for a bit," I told her, sitting down on a stool and focusing on the baseball game that was on the TV over her head. I watched for a couple of innings, and had paid my tab, planning to just go home, when Ben's girlfriend Angela emerged from the back room.

"Edward! How are you?"

"Great, Ange. Getting ready to head home, actually." I rubbed the back of my neck nervously.

"Oh, I thought you were here for Bella's party. We're back there," she gestured toward the back room, "and I'm sure Bella would love if you came to say hi."

"I just got back from Seattle, and I'm pretty tired."

"Come on, one more drink won't hurt right? I mean, you're walking distance now, so you can't say you've got to drive home."

"Nah, I'm going to go home. I'm sorry."

"Oh. Okay. Well I'll tell Bella you said happy birthday," Angela said sadly.

"Can you do me a favor and not tell her? I'm going to drop off her present tomorrow or Sunday, so I'll just tell her then."

"All right."

I was almost home free when I heard Emmett's booming voice call my name.

"Fuck, Emmett. A little louder and I think they might have heard you in Port Angeles."

"Yeah, yeah. Come on man, birthday girl's in the back. Come have a drink!" Emmett was already three sheets to the wind and I knew I'd get a good laugh out of his hangover story.

"I'm going to go home, Em. I suggest you do the same, and soon."

He grabbed my arm and dragged me to the back room, yelling "Look what the cat dragged in," when he threw open the doors.

Bella froze when her eyes met mine, then she threw herself into my arms. "Edddddwaarrrrdddd! You came!"

* * *

**I don't know if I've suggested reading **_**Girl With a Red Umbrella **_**by spanglemaker9 and justaskalice before, but you should read it. **

**Also worth reading is the companion piece to GWaRU by spanglemaker9, **_**La Résistance.**_

_**The Kübler Ross Model**_** is nominated for two Indie Twific Awards. Thank you for that. Also nominated is one of my favorite stories (which I've recommended before), **_**Inconceivable **_**by AccioBourbon. Please check out all of the nominees and don't forget that voting starts February 20. ****www(dot)theindietwificawards(dot)com**


	7. Unwell

**As always, Katie & Trin make my words prettier. Thank 'em, because they're the best. I had **_**two**_** prereaders for this chapter because I panicked. Thanks Agu & Jara. Your input really, really helped.**

**I don't own Twilight, its characters or anything else that is publicly recognizable. Dexter, his family and these words are mine. Please don't steal.  
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I know they've all been talking about me.  
I can hear them whisper and it makes me think  
there must be something wrong with me.  
Out of all the hours, thinking somehow  
I've lost my mind.  
I'm not crazy; I'm just a little unwell.  
I know right now you can't tell.  
Stay awhile and maybe then you'll see  
a different side of me.  
-_Unwell_, Matchbox Twenty

"Happy birthday, Bella!" I groaned when Ben put a shot glass, lemon wedge and sugar packet in front of me. "I can't bake, so you get a chocolate cake shot instead."

"Not a good idea Ben. I've already had four shots. I'd like to _remember_ my birthday party, you know?"

"Suck it up and take the damn shot," Angela said with a smile. "He's been talking about bringing this to you all night."

I rolled my eyes and sprinkled some of the sugar over the lemon wedge, raising the glass to Ben and Angela and tapping it on the table before tossing the liquor back. I was still sucking on my lemon wedge when Emmett decided I needed to do a shot of whiskey.

"No Em. I don't want to get drunk tonight," I said pointedly.

"Take the fucking shot, Bella."

Emmett had reached his alcohol limit several hours before, but he wasn't letting that stop him from having a good time. I looked up at the clock and sighed, because so much time had passed since Emmett's phone call that Edward likely wasn't coming.

I hadn't even realized how much I wanted him to come until he wasn't there.

I hadn't talked to him since the day after Tom and Sandy's anniversary party and he hadn't spoken to me.

Knowing what I wanted and following through on it were two completely different things. Talking to Sandy at the party had been such a huge step backwards for me that I loathed the thought of calling her on Dexter's birthday, but I knew if I didn't, she'd never let me live it down.

_I picked up the phone and dialed the number I'd been dialing for almost fifteen years. My breath caught in my throat when Tom answered. We had a brief chat, and he told me how proud he was of me again._

_"Wanna talk to Sandy?"_

_"Honestly? No," I sighed. "But I have to. I just feel like we won't make any progress at all if I don't, you know?"_

_"I know sweetie. Give her time; she'll come around."_

_"Bella."_

_"Hey Sandy. Just wanted to call and let you know I'm thinking of you today. I mean, I think about you every day, but I know today is hard for me, so I can't even imagine what you're going through."_

_"It was nice of you to call. How's your friend Edward?" she asked._

_"Um, fine I guess? I don't really know. I haven't talked with him since the other night. I, um, said some pretty mean things to him on the way home."_

_"Well perhaps it's for the best, dear. You wouldn't want to get wrapped up in a new relationship just now. Take time to grieve. I'm sure no one expects you to get out there and date any time soon."_

_"No, couldn't accuse anyone of that," I snapped. "Look, I just wanted to call and say that I get it, especially today. First time in more than twenty years I'm not eating a red velvet cupcake and I'm a little sad about it. I just thought you'd like to know. I need to go."_

_"Goodbye Bella," she hesitated slightly. "It was nice of you to call. If I don't get to speak with you, I hope you have a lovely birthday. I'm going to a meeting on Tuesday night if you're interested."_

_"I might be. I need to check my schedule at work, but I'll definitely call you. Bye Sandy," I said softly, hanging up the phone._

I shook my head, realizing that I'd been zoning out. Angela was sitting next to me, babbling about talking to Ben and ordering more shots. I looked up from where I was shredding a napkin on the table and froze.

He was here. He came. He drove all the way back from Seattle tonight to be here for my party.

I stood up from the table and threw myself into his arms. "Edddddwaarrrrdddd! You came!"

He took a step back to catch his balance, and a few deep breaths because apparently I'd knocked the wind out of him. "Hi Bella," he said softly into my hair.

"I'm so glad you're here!" My voice was several octaves higher than normal and definitely louder than usual. "Edward. You came back from Seattle tonight. You weren't supposed to be here."

"I know," he sighed.

I didn't let him out of my sight for the rest of the party. I let him buy me a drink and took more shots than I could count with Ben, Angela, and Emmett. Edward was there the whole time, pushing glass after glass of water toward me, buying me food and reminding me that I'd hate myself in the morning if I got too drunk.

He was right.

I woke up the next morning feeling like someone had shoved a ball of cotton in my mouth, and my stomach rolled when the scent of eggs hit my nose. A quick glance at my body revealed that I'd passed out in the clothes I was wearing the night before.

Stumbling to the bathroom, I took care of my brief morning routine and rubbed my eyes as I walked into the living room. "Who the fuck is making eggs?"

"Good morning to you too, Sunshine," Emmett's voice boomed.

"Too loud, Emmett." I grabbed my cigarettes and waved them in his direction. "Be back in a minute."

The smoke coming off the lit cigarette wound in lazy tendrils and in my hung over state, I got distracted. Before I knew it, the ash had burned to the filter and I was headed back inside.

"Ugh, eggs Emmett? You know I can't do eggs when I'm hung over."

"They're not for you, genius. You're on your own for breakfast," he quipped as he shoved a fork full of scrambled eggs in his mouth. "I'm kidding, B. There are waffles in the toaster for you."

"Thanks."

Emmett finished his breakfast in silence, then turned to me with a conspiratory smile. "So."

"So?"

"Do you want to know what happened last night?"

"I know what happened last night," I muttered. "I drank too much, and you and I stumbled back here. I really should start charging you rent."

"True, that did happen. But you forgot the most interesting part of the night."

"If you're talking about Angela giving Ben a lap dance, I remember that."

"Nooo, not that," he snickered, trying and failing to repress his smirk.

"What the hell, Emmett? Fucking tell me already."

"Once upon a time, Miss Bella Swan was out with her friends to celebrate her birthday. She sulked a lot of the night -"

"Emmett," I growled. "Not a good time for games." My face was hot, and trepidation and embarrassment were settling in my stomach.

"You kind of jumped into Edward's lap and made out with him in front of everyone at the party."

I closed my eyes and grimaced. "Kind of or did?"

"Oh, did. He left right after, though he didn't look nearly as mortified as you," he laughed.

"Shit."

"Mmhmm," Emmett nodded.

"Fuck. Emmett, who was there when it happened?"

"Me, Ange, Ben, Kate. Not a big deal."

"Not a big deal? Em, I trust you. I trust Angela and Ben. Kate, I'm not so sure about. She's like Jessica's best friend and if this gets out. Shit. What am I going to do?"

"Maybe try talking to Edward about it?"

"I can't. There's no way I can face him knowing that this happened."

Emmett laughed loudly and I winced. "Dude, cut it out. I'm rocking a monster hangover here."

"You'll be fine, Bella. He didn't seem to hate it. I'm actually kind of proud of the boy," he fake sniffed. "He didn't put his hands anywhere inappropriate, and he even said no when you asked him to come home with you."

"Please tell me that last part was a joke."

"No, he really said no."

I banged my head slowly against the table. "I can't ever leave this apartment again. I can claim post traumatic agoraphobia or something, right?"

"Not a chance in hell," Emmett clapped me on the shoulder. "It was great to see you making out with someone again."

"Shut up," I whined.

"Seriously Bella. It's good to see you letting loose. Obviously the social lubricant didn't hurt, but you were really relaxed with Edward last night, more relaxed than I've ever seen you with him. Is that what you're like when it's just the two of you?" he asked softly.

"I guess so? I mean we've made out a couple of times. We almost always cuddle when we're watching movies or TV or whatever. I just really like the way it feels to be close to him, Em. I feel almost normal when we're together, like I did when I was with Dexter, but it's still so different. Sometimes," I mused quietly, "it's like things are better now than they ever were. I feel like such an asshole saying that. You know how much I cared about Dex, but I feel like maybe I might have been pretending with him.

"How awful is that? I know what I felt for him was very real but the way some people react to what I think I might be feeling for Edward just makes me feel so damn guilty, you know? I snapped at him on the way back from the anniversary party just because he called me baby. It wasn't fair, and I should have explained it to him, but how do you say "It makes me uncomfortable when you call me baby, because that's what my dead boyfriend called me" to someone?"

"I'm sorry I snapped at you, Edward. It makes me uncomfortable when you call me baby because that's why my dead boyfriend called me?"

I threw my napkin at Emmett. "You're a smart ass."

###

September faded quickly into October. In October, I found myself engaged in a delicate balance with Edward, which Emmett called a dance of avoidance. Edward hinted heavily that he might want to move back to Chicago. We had a few arguments, and I always felt so so guilty afterward, but I couldn't do more than promise to try.

We spent Halloween together at The Last Call, where - to my chagrin - we won the couples' costume contest. Who would have thought dressing as mustard and ketchup would win us anything? I suspected Emmett and Ben had stuffed the ballot box.

Edward went to Chicago for Thanksgiving, and for the first time, I was really scared he wouldn't come back. We talked a few times while he was there, but never did anything beyond exchanging pleasantries. He mentioned telling his parents about me and that he'd seen his friend Jake and his family. I happened to call once while he was _at_ Jake's and got a good laugh out of his ridiculous sense of humor. I told Emmett that night that I was fearful of ever getting him and Jake in the same room.

Things with Edward were . . . weird. He was distant, detached. We never did anything more than kiss a bit - which I always initiated - and I could tell he was starting to get frustrated.

In mid December, just before he left for Chicago again, I'd agreed to go on a "real" date with Edward. We went to dinner and a movie in Port Angeles. I'd picked the location, because I assumed I would be safe from the prying eyes of the Forks Contingent Against Bella Ever Moving On With Her Life.

I was wrong. Of all the nights for Tom and Sandy to be out to dinner over an hour away from home, they were out the same night I was out with Edward. I'd pulled my hand awkwardly from his when I saw them walk in and apologized profusely when we got to our table. They'd been sweet, making pleasant small talk with Edward while we waited for our respective tables, but Sandy's eyes gave her away. She was livid.

He'd tried to kiss me in front of the restaurant, but I'd turned my head to the side so he wound up kissing my temple when I caught Sandy looking through the window at us.

He'd left for Chicago barely on speaking terms with me.

Christmas was always a big deal to my family. To mine, and to Dexter's. We'd spent practically every Christmas together since my mom and Sandy had become friends, and I knew there was no way I could get out of our traditional dinner the day after Christmas.

I was pouting, because Edward had been gone for nearly a week and hadn't called me, or returned any of my calls. I tried calling one more time before I left for Tom and Sandy's, but I got his voice mail again.

I sighed as I listened to his message. "You've reached Edward Cullen. I'm unable to answer your call at this time. Please leave a detailed message with your name and call back number, and I will return your call as soon as possible."

"Hey Edward. It's me. I know you're probably still really angry with me, but I just wanted to call and say I hope you had a great Christmas. Um, I don't know if you want to get together when you get back? I got you something, and I'd like to give it to you in person. If you're not up for it, that's no big deal, but I thought I'd offer. I'm working every night up to New Year's Eve, so just stop into the bar if you want when you get back. Wow, I don't even know when you're coming back. Okay, I'm going to stop rambling now. Merry, um, Merry Christmas, Edward. Hope you're having a good time in Chicago. Bye."

I hung up the phone and threw it across the room, thankful that it bounced instead of shattering when it hit the wall.

I got dressed for dinner and smiled at Emmett when he picked me up. I was not looking forward to spending time with most of Dexter's family. I'd run into Tom a few days after my disastrous date with Edward, and he'd once again expressed his pride in me for doing as Dexter had asked. I'd rolled my eyes and shrugged it off.

I felt awkward walking into the house I'd practically grown up in with Emmett at my side instead of Dexter. My parents were already there and my mom, sensing something was wrong, immediately pulled me into a tight hug. I wandered into the kitchen, where Tom put a glass of wine in my hand and told me to make myself at home.

I was surprised with myself when I found myself sitting on Dexter's bed fifteen minutes later. Setting the glass on the nightstand, I lay back slowly and pressed one of the pillows to my face. I imagined I could still smell him on the fabric, a perfect mix of trees and salt spray.

"This is hard," I said to the empty room.

"I'm trying, baby. I'm trying to do what you wanted me to do. I know you like Edward, but to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure he likes me much anymore. We went on a real date a week ago, you know? I hadn't been on one of those in forever," I imagined myself teasing Dexter.

"Your parents were out the same night and it was just so damn awkward. I thought I'd die of shame in the lobby of that restaurant, and I fucked up kind of bad. I snatched my hand out of Edward's like it was hot enough to brand me as soon as I saw your mother. She's not exactly making this whole moving on thing easy. It's like every time I take a step forward with him, your mom knocks me back two steps. I just want to do what you asked. I want to honor you by living, not mourning all the time. What do I do, Dex?"

"Bella?" My dad's voice made me jump. "You in here?" He pushed open the door and smiled sadly at me. "Sandy says dinner's almost ready."

"Yeah, Dad," I swiped the tears out of my eyes, "I'm here. I'll be down in a minute, kay?"

"Sure thing Bells." He took a tentative step into the room. "I think he hears you when you talk to him, you know. And he'd be so damn proud of you, sweetheart. You're so much stronger than you realize."

"Really?" I snorted. "Because I feel like I'm stuck in a rut I'll never get out of."

"Her opinion doesn't matter, Bella. You know what he wanted for you, and you gotta do your best with what you've got."

I stood up from the bed and put the pillow back in its place, smiling sadly at my father before he wrapped me in a hug. "Thanks Daddy," I whispered.

We headed downstairs, hand in hand. Walking into the dining room felt like stepping in front of a firing squad. Sandy and Tyler glared at me through dinner, but I brushed it off.

We made our way into the living room to exchange gifts before desert. Tyler made a big deal out of being the first to open his gifts, so we all obliged him. I was on my fourth glass of wine by the time it was my turn to open gifts.

"Mom, Dad, it's beautiful," I gasped, opening a small jewelry box containing what I knew was a necklace my Grandma Swan had made for me. "Remind me to call Gram and thank her, please."

My parents had gone in on a gift certificate to a day spa in Seattle for me with Emmett, and I was shocked at their generosity. Mom brushed it off, saying I deserved a day of relaxation. Once again, Sandy glared at me.

The Robinsons gave me a beautiful picture frame with two pictures in it. Dexter and I were in each of them, in practically the same pose, though the photos had been taken about 18 years apart. We sat together, side by side on the couch, with our arms around each other's necks and matching smiles on our faces. I had a sneaking suspicion Sandy intended to remind me of what I'd lost, and a part of me really hated her for it.

I passed around the gifts I'd brought - bottles of wine for everyone - and drank another glass of wine while everyone else opened their gifts.

When it was finally time to go, I was grateful to have Emmett with me because I was in no condition to drive. I made my rounds, giving hugs to Tom and my parents before standing in front of Sandy.

"Merry Christmas, Sandy. Thank you for the lovely gift."

"I have something else for you, Bella," she said quietly. She pressed something into my hand and hugged me quickly. "I'm sorry you didn't get this sooner."

My heart dropped into my stomach when I saw my name in Dexter's handwriting across the front of the envelope. He'd written me a letter. "But why?" I stuttered. "Why now?"

"He wanted the timing to be perfect."

I didn't dare open it on the way back to my apartment. When Emmett asked why I was so quiet, I held up the envelope with tears in my eyes. "He did it, Em. He wrote me a letter. I just need to read it to find out why I didn't get it until now."

"Merry Christmas Bells," Emmett said when he dropped me in front of my building.

"Merry Christmas, Em."

I didn't bother with the elevator, because I was too anxious to read the letter Dexter had written me. I slowed down after I unlocked the door, closing and locking it behind me. I laid the envelope reverently on the coffee table and dashed into my room to change.

I put on my most comfortable pair of yoga pants and my favorite t-shirt. I poured another glass of wine, grabbed my hoodie and stepped out on to the balcony to smoke. I washed my hands when I came back in and changed into Dexter's sweatshirt. I sat on my couch with my legs folded under me, staring at my name in his rough handwriting.

Twenty minutes later, the envelope was in my lap and I traced my name over and over. I finally opened it and read through once, twice, three times, without crying. I carefully folded the letter and put it back into the envelope, then stored it in a box of keepsakes in my bedroom.

I walked into the kitchen and climbed on the counter, pulling down a bottle of Jack Daniels. I sat back on the couch before taking a swig directly from the bottle, and my chest felt like it cracked open when the first sob tore through me.

* * *

**The letter is written. I'll be posting it as an outtake at some point in the future. I'm posting the Emmett sideshot/outtake/whatever that I wrote for the Haiti compilation some time after March 1.**


	8. Ender Will Save Us All

**Katie & Trin make my words prettier and I love them for it.  
J, I don't know what I would do without you. (Go crazy, I'm sure.)**

**I don't own Twilight, its characters or anything else that is publicly recognizable. Dexter, his family and these words are mine. Please don't steal.**

* * *

It's hard to explain how I am getting by  
on so little from you.  
It's hard to believe that I would let myself  
get so wrapped in you.  
There's got to be something that would  
be worthwhile for me to give to you.  
We need a connection,  
but you seem to push me far away from you.  
-_Ender Will Save Us All_, Dashboard Confessional

I was pacing in the living room I'd spent so much time in growing up, and tugging painfully at my hair. My parents had asked about _her_ and it was as though my verbal filter sprung a leak. Every thing about the fucked up mess I'd gotten myself into came out – every anxiety, fear, decision, indecision, hurt, and confused thought in my head came out.

"I'm telling you, Mom, I've never met a girl like Bella. She drives me crazy, and not the same way Rosalie did. She's so broken and she's taking so much shit from her boyfriend's mother. I just want to take away all of that pain, you know? It's tough . . . she doesn't ever talk about him unless I ask, and we went on this one date a week or so ago. His parents showed up to the same restaurant and she snatched her hand out of mind like I'd burned her. That really hurt."

"Have you talked to her since you got here?" my mother asked gently.

I shook my head. "No. Um, I was kind of angry with her when I left. So I told her I'd call if I wanted to talk. It just really, really sucks that one moment she acts like she wants to be with me and the next she's pulling away because she's afraid of what people think."

"The heart wants what the heart wants," she said.

"Yeah I get that. But when is enough, enough? I've been considering moving back home," I muttered.

I finally stopped pacing when my mother grabbed my hand and pulled me down onto the couch, laying my head in her lap. My eyes closed when she started raking her fingers through my hair, combing through the tangles and stroking my temples softly.

I tried to fight against the tears gathering in my eyes, but being here, where I was most comfortable and relaxed, I couldn't. "Mom, I don't want to lose her. But it's this uphill battle and I just don't know what to do anymore. How much longer do I let her fuck around - "

"Edward Anthony!"

"Sorry. What I mean is how much longer do I let her screw with my feelings? I can't just let her walk all over me. I can't stand it much longer. I'm contemplating putting the apartment up for sublet or something," I hinted again.

"If you decide to come home, you can stay here until you get back on your feet. You need to stop living on a whim," Carlisle offered from his seat.

"Absolutely not, Carlisle! Edward," she turned to me, "you need to go back to Washington and _make_ her realize how you feel about her."

"Are you kidding, Esme? He's already taken a huge step back by moving to Washington and accepting a job in IT," he spat. "I bet he really regrets not accepting that job with Jacob when he had the chance."

"You can't just say those things, Carlisle! He came home because he wanted to get advice on how to show this girl how much he cares for her, and you're belittling him and telling him that his job in Washington is worthless. What happened to encouraging your son?"

"He graduated summa cum laude from Northwestern, for crying out loud!"

"Dad, I'm right here. I'd like to be a part of this conversation!"

"Carlisle, you're being an asshole. He came to us for advice, not for you to tear him down because he isn't living up to your unreasonable standards. Just stop."

My jaw dropped. Esme rarely swore and when she did, Carlisle knew he was in for it. I shifted so I was sitting next to her and listened as they continued to argue like I wasn't in the room. It was strange, watching my parents argue over me as an adult. It seemed as thought my relationship – or lack thereof – with Bella was the make or break point of their parenting abilities. I snapped out of my thoughts when my father turned to me.

"Is she worth it, Edward? Can you give up more for her than you did for Rosalie?"

"Carlisle, you can't just ask the boy . . ."

I tuned my parents out to consider my options. They were still arguing when I stood up and darted to my bedroom for my computer.

###

I fidgeted in the uncomfortable airport seat, waiting anxiously for my flight to be called. Hearing my parents discussing my future and potential move back to Chicago without truly considering my feelings had spurred me into action, and I'd changed my flight back to Seattle to the day after Christmas. My father was furious and thought I was throwing my life away for a girl; my mother was proud of me, and quoted The Beatles at me.

Every time a flight was called, I heard Carlisle's words repeated. _"Is she worth it?"_

It had never been a question with Rose, because deep down, I knew we were over before we ever started the trip to Forks. Bella . . . Bella was definitely worth it. My father's words had forced me to be honest with myself about my decision to move, and though I'd never admitted it before, I always knew Bella had owned me from the moment I heard her speaking at Dexter's funeral. I hadn't actually moved because I thought I could save my relationship with Rosalie; I moved because I wanted to know Bella.

The flight from Chicago to Seattle gave me almost too much time to think about what I was going to say to Bella when I got home. I didn't want to give her an ultimatum per se, but I wasn't sure how else to put it. I wrote down a few things, but tossed the paper in the first trashcan I came across once I was back on the ground.

I thought about calling her to tell her I was back, but realized she was probably at dinner with her family and Dexter's. I made the drive to Forks in record time, throwing the car into park and jumping out before I'd even gotten my keys out of the ignition.

I grabbed my bag from the trunk and dashed up the stairs, taking them two at a time. Without bothering to put anything away, I threw my coat and bag on the couch before running out the door again.

I stood in front of Bella's apartment, nervously pulling at my hair and raising my hand to knock several times before bringing my fist down against the door. There was still no answer the third time I knocked, but I could hear movement inside, including what sounded a lot like Bella crying.

"Bella? It's Edward. I came back early," I said with a smile in my voice. "I wanted to talk to you. The sound of crying let up minutely and I thought I heard her choke out my name. "Bella, can I come in?" I tried the door, but it was locked.

Her crying got louder and I heard the sound of glass shattering. I flew downstairs to James's apartment and pounded on the door. "James! Please open up," I pleaded.

The door jerked open and my relieved sigh was cut short when I saw the scowl on James's face. "What do you want Cullen?"

"I need you to unlock the door to Bella's place. I can hear her in there; she's crying and something broke. I think she might be hurt."

"I'm not helping you fix your lovers' quarrel," he said, starting to shut the door.

I moved my foot forward, wedging it in the door just before it slammed in my face. "Please James. I just got back from Chicago. We're not fighting; I'm genuinely worried about her."

His eyes narrowed at me and time seemed to stand still as he scrutinized me.

"I'm not bullshitting you. Please, she could be seriously hurt."

"Fine." He reached for a set of keys and followed me up to Bella's apartment. Muffled sobs came through the door and James's eyes betrayed his own worry as the key slid into the deadbolt.

As soon as I heard the lock click, I twisted the knob and threw the door open. "Bella!"

I tossed a grateful look over my shoulder at James, and saw his form retreating down the hall.

She'd gone silent at the noise of the door being unlocked and I rushed through the small space searching for her. She wasn't in the living room or her bedroom. I'd just checked the balcony when I heard a gasping sob. She was on the kitchen floor, surrounded by broken glass and murky liquid. The distinct strong smell of Jack Daniels assaulted my nostrils.

"Bella?" I grabbed the broom she kept near the door and swept the glass and whiskey out of the way before crouching next to her. "Bella? Sweetheart, what happened?"

"Edward," she moaned. "He . . . letter . . . Sandy . . . "

I caught every couple of words through her hiccupping. "Take a deep breath," I crooned. "You need to calm down."

She sucked in short breaths, and rocked back and forth with her arms wrapped tightly against her legs, her face buried in her knees. She'd made herself as small as possible and every time I thought she was about to calm down, she started crying harder than before.

I gingerly stroked her hair, and had to stifle a gasp when she picked up her head and met my gaze. Her eyes were nearly swollen shut and what I could see of them was bloodshot. Her nose was running; she'd obviously given up trying to wipe it, because the snot ran down onto her upper lip.

"I'm going to grab a wash cloth," I murmured, rushing to her bathroom and grabbing two cloths. I quickly soaked them in cool water and ran back to her side.

I patiently ran my fingers through her hair and gently cupped her cheek, stroking it with my thumb. "I'm going to clean you up," I told her, tentatively raising a wash cloth. She nodded slightly, so I touched the cool material to her face.

I kept my touch as gentle as possible as I wiped her face clean. When I'd gotten the tear tracks and snot wiped up, I pressed the other wash cloth to her eyes. "Shh, this will help," I said when she gasped.

Her head fell back against the cabinet and she sighed heavily. "I . . . Emmett. Please."

It was the last thing she said before she passed out.

I tried to wake her up, at least so I could help her to her bedroom. Her eyes opened slightly and rolled back into her head, just as her chin fell to her chest.

"Bella, wake up. Bella. Come on," I said, tapping on her cheek.

Her head rolled back and forth between her shoulders and I heard her breath hitch at the same moment her chest heaved and she vomited down the front of her shirt.

"Fuck," I hissed, fumbling in my jeans for my cell phone. I uttered another curse when I realized it was nearly two a.m. in Chicago.

"Mom! I need to talk to Dad," I rushed as soon as her groggy voice came on the line.

I listened as she roused him and he snapped my name into the phone.

"I'm sorry to call so late, Dad. I came to see Bella when I got in from the airport and there's something wrong. I don't know what happened, but she passed out a few minutes after I got here and she won't wake up. She just puked everywhere and there's alcohol all over the kitchen."

I could practically hear my father snap into physician mode as he asked me about the color of her skin, her respiration rate and whether or not she was still vomiting.

"She's breathing, but it's really slow," I said, turning her on her side at his suggestion. "She's really pale and her skin's cold and clammy."

"Listen to me carefully, Edward. I want you to call 911 as soon as you hang up and tell them everything you've just told me. I can't tell without actually examining her, but it sounds to me like Bella has alcohol poisoning and time is precious. Stay with her while you wait for the ambulance and try to keep her awake. If you can't, make sure she's not going to choke if she continues to vomit," Carlisle said calmly.

I told him I understood, thanked him and dialed the emergency line immediately after hanging up. After repeating everything I'd just told my dad, I waited with Bella's head in my lap until the ambulance crew showed up and put her on a stretcher. The ride to Forks Community Hospital went by much quicker than I thought it would, and I was shoved out of the way as they rushed Bella into a room to begin treating her.

I told the doctors everything I could, including finding the broken bottle of whiskey near her when I arrived, and took a seat in the waiting room. I wanted to be with her, but because I wasn't family, they wouldn't let me stay.

I left a message for Emmett and groaned when I realized that I'd need to call the Chief at some point to tell him what had happened.

My phone woke me from a fitful dose a few hours later when Emmett returned my call. He asked a bunch of questions I couldn't answer, finally growing frustrated enough that he swore at me and told me he'd be at the hospital within half an hour. I grabbed a bad cup of coffee from a vending machine and wandered around the waiting room, hoping to get some kind of news soon.

A petite nurse came in not long after I sat back down again and smiled softly at me. "You here with Bella?"

I nodded and scrubbed a hand across my eyes, which felt like someone had poured sand into them. "Is she okay?"

"She will be. My name is Lucy. I have to say, it's wild seeing the Chief's daughter in for, well . . . that," she snorted. "Anyway, Bella's asking for you."

I jumped up and followed her down the hall to where Bella lay prone in the sterile hospital bed. She had a tube in her nose; oxygen, I presumed. Her skin was still deathly pale, her eyes were still sunken and marred with dark circles.

"Hey," I said softly. I didn't want to startle her.

Her eyes opened and closed again as she inhaled deeply. "Thanks," her voice was raspy and exhausted, "for bringing me here."

I stepped toward the bed and reached for her hand, pleasantly relieved when she didn't pull away from me. "I'm just glad I got home when I did."

Bella blinked at me, and tried to look me in the eye, but her gaze wavered. "You're home early? What day is it?"

"December 27. I got home around 11:30 and came down to surprise you."

"How did you get in? I locked the door," she said flatly.

"Well," I scratched the back of my neck and stared at my shoes. "I asked James to let me in after I knocked and you didn't answer. I heard glass breaking and I thought you might be hurt."

"Thanks. Um, is Emmett here? I really want to see Emmett," she reiterated.

My heart fell to my stomach and I barely repressed the angry growl that boiled up in my chest. "He's on his way."

"Oh good." She perked up a little. "Thanks again Edward. I'll see you at home? I'm sure Emmett can bring me back."

"I don't have a car here, Bella. I came in the ambulance with you."

"Wait - ambulance? Are you kidding? Shit, Charlie's going to find out."

"Emmett was going to call him on his way here."

I left the room before she could say anything else, nearly knocking Emmett over in my haste. "Sorry," I muttered, before bolting back to the waiting room, cell phone in hand.

"What the hell are you doing at the hospital, Edward? I thought you were in Chicago," Rosalie's shrill voice asked when she answered her phone.

"Bella got sick last night. I had to call an ambulance, and I rode along with her. I called Emmett and I guess he's going to take her home. Please Rose," I begged, "I just want to get home."

"Fine," she grumbled. "I'll be there soon. Wait out front because I'm not coming in. I hate hospitals."

It had just started to rain when Rosalie's car skidded to a halt in front of me. "Get in, Cullen. I don't have time for this today."

"Thanks Rose. I owe you one."

"You owe me about fifty, but that's neither here nor there," she huffed.

She sped out of the parking lot toward my apartment building and turned down the volume on the radio after a few quiet moments. "What happened?"

"I don't know what caused it, but I had to get the building manager to open the door. I knocked a few times, heard glass breaking. After he opened the door for me, I found her in the kitchen surrounded by whiskey and glass. She passed out pretty soon after that. I called Carlisle, he told me to get her to the hospital."

"Wow, that's . . . not good, Edward."

"I know." I slammed my head against the back of the seat and squeezed my eyes shut. "Speaking of not good, why'd you run to Tyler after you found Bella and me sleeping on the couch right before I moved out?"

"That was a mistake and believe me, I heard about it from Emmett. It's just that I ran into Tyler after our argument and he asked how things were with you. He wasn't aware we'd broken up. You really should know something about Ty - he's kind of got a thick skull. He takes things way too literally, which I'm guessing is why he told Bella he'd heard she was _sleeping_ with you as opposed to sleeping on a couch with you."

"It was very uncomfortable, but Bella clocked him and threw him out of the bar on her own."

"Bella punched Tyler? That's how he got the black eye? That bastard said Mike Newton threw a ball off course when they were at softball practice." Rosalie doubled over with laughter and looked at me out of the corner of her eye. "Be careful with this one, Edward. She punches if you piss her off," she snickered.

"Shut it. Doesn't matter any way. I think I'm going back to Chicago."

"Why?"

"I just . . . it's hard to be patient when she's giving me mixed signals. She practically threw me out of the ER after I told her Emmett was on his way, and . . . I just don't feel like it's worth it any more. I came back early to tell her how I feel - how I _really_ feel about her - and then I picked up the pieces of whatever just for her to ask for Emmett. She doesn't want my help, she wants him."

"Well he sure as fuck doesn't want her. Or he's a sick, twisted bastard. He's been working on me since we broke up. We're going out this weekend before I go back to Seattle, or at least we're supposed to. If Bella is really that screwed up, he may ditch me for her. Again."

"You sound jealous, Rosalie Hale."

"And you don't? 'Ohh, I'm going to move home because Bella pays more attention to Emmett than me!' Get a grip, Edward. If you want her, _fight for her_. Don't lay back and take her attitude like a little bitch because if you do that, you're not the man I've known for so long. Now get your emo ass out of my car before I have to start playing old country music to drown out the whining," she said as we pulled up in front of the building.

"Thanks for the ride, Rose."

"You're welcome. Remember what I said Edward. And think about this - is she worth it?"

On the way up to my apartment, I remembered I had Bella's keys. I felt pretty much like shit, and didn't want Emmett banging on my door after he brought Bella home, so I decided to go in and leave her a note telling her I had them and I'd drop them off when I woke up the next morning.

The smell of day old vomit hit me when I unlocked the door. I didn't want her to come home to such a big mess, so I cleaned up the kitchen floor before sitting on her couch to write the note. I grabbed a piece of paper and started to smooth it out before I saw the other piece under it and realized the pieces went together. It wasn't Bella or Emmett's handwriting, so I did my best not to read it. I saw one line before I folded the two sheets of paper together.

One line, written in unfamiliar hand, helped put the pieces together for me.

_I really hate that I'm not going to have the chance to call you my wife.  
_

_

* * *

_

**Please, don't kill me. I promise the letter will be posted once I reveal everything that it would give away right now.**

**Anyone give up anything interesting for Lent? I gave up Twitter. I'll log in long enough to approve your follow request if you'd like to follow me, but I won't be tweeting until April 4. **

_**The Kübler Ross Model**_** was nominated for two Indie Twific Awards and voting started February 20. www(dot)theindietwificawards(dot)com.**

**I forgot to mention with the last update that there's a thread for this story on Twilighted - is(dot)gd / 8Sw66**


	9. Burden in My Hand

**Katie did solo beta work for this chapter. Trin, ILY and want you to know I'm thinking of you bb. **

**Wonder Twin basically deserves cowriting credit for this chapter. **

**I don't own Twilight, its characters or anything else that is publicly recognizable. Dexter, his family, and these words are mine. Please don't steal.**

* * *

Close your eyes and bow your head, I need a little sympathy.  
'Cause fear is strong and love's for everyone who isn't me.  
Kill your health and kill yourself and kill everything you love  
And if you live, you can fall to pieces and suffer with my ghost.  
-_Burden in My Hand_, Soundgarden

I woke with a groan and tried to take a deep breath. There was a tube in my nose and when I swallowed, my throat felt raw. Opening my eyes revealed bright lights and a sterile room. I'd been here often enough to know where I was.

"Welcome back, Bella. How are you feeling?"

"Like shit. Lucy Carmichael? I didn't know you were a nurse," I muttered. If Lucy was my nurse, I was sure the entire town would know I was in the Emergency Room in a matter of hours. "What happened?"

"We pumped your stomach a few hours ago. Seems like you drank a bit more Jack than you could handle. Someone came in with you; do you want me to get him?"

Relief flooded through me. If Emmett had brought me in, there was a small possibility I could keep this a relative secret from Charlie. I nodded to Lucy and lay back against the pillow.

Several moments later I heard footsteps shuffle into the room and Edward's quiet voice.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Edward being here hadn't even crossed my mind, partially because we hadn't spoken much since our failed date, and partially because I thought he was still in Chicago. He explained to me that he'd asked James to open my door after he heard me crying and glass breaking. I was surprisingly furious I didn't remember any of that, or realize he was home early until he told me what the date was.

I felt awful asking for Emmett when Edward was obviously worried and had taken such good care of me, but even the _thought_ of explaining my fury to Edward made me want to cry. He left the room before I could really tell him how much I appreciated everything he'd done for me.

Emmett burst into the room just after Edward left, took one look at me, and practically jumped onto the uncomfortable bed with me. After he'd curled himself around me and kissed my forehead, he pulled away to look into my eyes.

"Tell me what happened," he implored.

Taking a deep breath, I hesitated a moment before launching into an explanation.

"After Christmas dinner, Sandy gave me the letter Dexter wrote for me."

"Oh. I knew that and I'm sorry, but I don't understand how that would have caused you to drink my weight in Jack Daniels," he smirked.

I smacked him on the shoulder before continuing. "Without telling you exactly what it said - "

"I really don't think that's fair. You saw what my letter said; I want to know what yours said."

"Did you ever sleep with Dexter?"

"Plenty of times! I spent the night there all the time."

I huffed and rolled my eyes. "Let me rephrase. At any point during your sleepovers, did Dexter's penis ever get close enough to touch you?"

"You know we always had a very close and intimate relationship."

I cracked a smile and continued, "I know, precious. You two were closer than two heterosexual best friends should be."

"So there's got to be more to the story than just Sandy giving you the letter."

"Obviously I asked her why she waited until now to give it to me. She told me he 'wanted the timing to be perfect,' so I assumed it was supposed to be like my last Christmas gift from him or something. I was so anxious to read it that I hauled ass up the stairs. Then it was like I . . . froze. I took my time changing, I smoked, grabbed another bottle of wine, and then I stared at the envelope for ages.

"I read it three times, Em. He talked about how much he loved me, but you know that's not what stuck out to me? What stuck out was the mention of him giving the letter to his dad to give to me. I thought it was supposed to be a Christmas gift, but Dexter wanted _Tom_ to give me the letter when he thought the timing was right. It hit me like a ton of bricks: Sandy . . . is not the woman I thought she was. Emmett, she knew. She had to have found the letter and decided to give it to me because she wants me to be as miserable as she is.

"That fucking _bitch_ saw me out with Edward and she can't stand the thought of me trying to . . . "

"Trying to eat good food? Trying to set a Guinness World Record for whiskey consumption? Trying to what, Bella?"

"Trying to move on. Wanting to move on," I whispered.

"Did my little Bella just have a eureka moment?"

"What is it with you and always teasing me when I'm down and out?" I snapped.

"Hey," he pushed a piece of hair behind my ear, "I only do it because he asked me to keep you as happy as possible. If that means I'm a smart ass at completely inappropriate times, then I'm a smart ass at completely inappropriate times."

"Does that also mean you sit by my side when I rip his mother a new one for being a lunatic?"

###

After Emmett drove me home, made me a lunch of chicken soup and toast, and called Charlie and Tom, I settled in on the couch with Dexter's letter. I read it a few more times, alternating between elation that he'd actually written it and furious about Sandy's involvement in the entire thing.

Emmett had tucked me in with a blanket Sandy had made for me when I turned twelve, and all of the sudden, I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Regardless of what I'd said to Emmett, I didn't really think I was ready to move on, because maybe Sandy was right.

Was it possible I was mourning the wrong way? Was she right about me not loving Dexter as much as he'd loved me because I was entertaining the idea of actually dating Edward? What the hell was I _thinking_ kissing him all those times and going out to dinner with him?

I didn't want this. I wanted Dexter back. I wanted to be in exactly this place, but last year, not this year. Last year Dexter and I had gone to dinner at his parents' house, then come back to this place - to _our _place - curled up under _this_ blanket and watched _Love Actually _three times in a row – twice with commentary.

And then I was angry all over again, though not at Sandy. I was angry with _Edward_, because I had another eureka moment and realized that I hadn't had any problems at all with Sandy, and the entire town for that matter, until he'd made his presence and desire to be involved in my life known.

How _dare_ he? How dare he make me question the feelings I'd had for my best friend? How had I let him manipulate me into thinking that I should be moving on before I was ready? He was nothing more than a distraction from the things I _should_ be feeling.

I'd spent so much time running from my feelings, and it was all because Edward had been encouraging me to move on. If it wasn't for him, I would have spent the past near year remembering Dexter instead of trying to forget him.

Could I have both, though? Could I remember Dexter, and do what he'd repeatedly asked me to do both before he'd died and in the letter he'd written me? I thought back to all the times I'd compromised with Dexter. Would I be able to show Sandy and everyone else that I still did - and always would - love Dexter, _and_ be with Edward? What were my options if I did that? I could still attend meetings with Sandy when she asked, but I'd have Edward to come home to when they were finished.

Of course I couldn't. There was really no point in attempting to have the proverbial best of both worlds. There was no possible good outcome if I tried to combine my two worlds. Emmett's support didn't matter, because he was the only one who'd ever been completely supportive of me interacting with Edward on a more intimate level than friendship and that hadn't exactly worked out well for me.

So, it was decided. In order to fix me, I had to get rid of Edward. I hated knowing I would hurt him in the process but ultimately, this wasn't about him, it was about me. I was so clearly not over Dexter and I wasn't even sure I wanted to be over him. I needed to find someone who would understand that being with me would mean never having my entire heart because a big part of it would always, always belong to Dexter.

I stared at the wall for an indeterminate amount of time. When I finally snapped out of my daze, it was because there was a knock on the door. "It's open," I croaked, my throat still raw from the tube that'd been used to pump my stomach.

Renee stepped through the door, smiling sadly at me. I curled up further under my blanket and patted the spot next to me. Renee sat, rather awkwardly, next to me and opened her arms so that I could lean against her. She was quiet, just stroked my hair until I worked up the courage to talk to her.

"He wrote me a letter."

"My poor baby. What did he have to say?"

I'd never been like those kids who wanted their mother when they were sick or down or whatever. The majority of my teen years, I'd actually be closer to Sandy than Renee, probably because Sandy was a little more stable than Renee, and definitely gave better advice. Despite being annoyed that she'd showed up without calling, I was glad she was here.

"Same things he said when he was here. He was determined for me to be happy, told me he was sad we weren't going to get married . . . Mom, I should have married him. It really couldn't have done any harm; we were basically married without the paperwork anyway."

"I understand, but don't fret about it. You can't change the past."

I started sniffling, tears threatening to spill down my cheeks. "He also said he wanted me to be happy. He always said he wanted me to be happy. Do you think . . . maybe he knew I'd find someone like Edward? They're so different from each other, but I don't know. I think Dexter would have liked Edward if they'd ever met."

"You can't be serious about that boy, Bella," Renee said incredulously.

"I didn't say I was! I'm just confused. I don't know what I want any more. I want . . . I want to do what Dex wanted. I want to be happy. What if Edward is the one who's supposed to help me be happy? He never wanted me to be miserable, Mom. I wish people could understand that. And I like being with Edward. He treats me so differently than everyone who knew me . . . before. He doesn't treat me like I might break if he says the wrong thing. He's honest, and sweet, and when he kisses me, my toes curl."

"Well that's kind of him," she said softly. "Wait, what? I'm sorry; did you say when he kisses you? Bella, how long has this been going on?"

"A few months? I couldn't tell you the exact date of our first kiss."

"Isabella Marie Swan, are you sleeping with him?"

"Oh my god, what is _with_ you people? Why does everyone assume I just laid down and opened my legs for Edward the second we met? No, I am not sleeping with him. Last Christmas, Mom. It's been over a year since I had sex. Happy now?

Renee was furious, her face was red and she jerked away from me to stand up and gather her things. "You are not the woman I raised you to be, Bella. I don't even know you anymore. You got a tattoo and you're going around with a man that you don't even know? Rosalie Hale," she snorted, "doesn't exactly have the best reputation. What does that say about Edward? I'm not saying you shouldn't ever move on - "

I threw my hands up."Finally! Someone agrees with Emmett!"

"Eventually," she amended. "You should move on eventually. However, you have to remember how you being with him looks to everyone. And with this hospital business . . . Your father is the Chief of Police, Bella. It's so embarrassing for him to find out about that second hand and to hear about you being with Edward when - "

"When has he heard about me being with Edward? I've gone on _one_ date with him. Any other time, we hang out here, or at his place, or with a group of people. You can't honestly tell me - "

"You're hurting everyone around you Bella! You're turning your back on the Robinsons when they are the one thing you have left of Dexter!"

"They're the last physical reminder I have of him, but they are _not_ all I have left of him. I have memories that none of you can ever take away and for fuck's sake, I knew him better than all of you! I really don't give two shits what Sandy thinks, that bitch wasn't with her own son when he was diagnosed with cancer and it's not because he didn't ask, Mom. He did ask, and she said it would be too hard to be there with him if he got bad news. What kind of a mother is she?"

"Isabella - "

"Shut _up_, Mother. I'm not done. What kind of a mother tortures her dead son's girlfriend because it makes her feel better? You can't tell me she doesn't know what she's doing to me, you just can't. Do you know Tom was supposed to give me the letter when _he_ thought the timing was perfect, not Sandy? And how the fuck can you tell me I'm turning my back on them? Were you not at the anniversary party I threw them? Yet another thing I did because Dexter wanted me to do it.

"You know, I think you're all crazy. It's like I'm surrounded by this group of people who all think they know what's best for me, but they have no idea. The only person who'd support me if I were to walk upstairs right now with every intention of blowing Edward is Emmett. Do you know why that is, Mom? Because Emmett actually _listened _to Dexter when he said he wanted me to be happy!"

"Isabella- "

"Get out." My voice was hoarse and my throat hurt even worse after I'd shouted at her. "I'll call you later this week or something. I just can't deal with this. I need to take some time to figure out who I am and what I want right now." I threw the door open and held onto it to hide how badly my hands were shaking.

"Bella, you can't just throw away your entire life for a boy you barely know," she said, grabbing my face to force me to look at her.

Jerking my chin out of her grasp, I sniffed again. "Out, Renee. I do know him. I know him better than almost everyone in this town. I just wish you'd give him a chance. I wish I could give him a chance without feeling like everyone is going to judge me."

Renee left without saying anything else. I carefully shut the door and made my way back to the couch. I pressed my palms hard to my eyes and took several deep breaths, trying to calm my racing heart.

I didn't want to admit my mother was right, but she was. I was _nothing_ like the girl she'd raised. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing because I'd always known I couldn't just be Charlie and Renee's daughter my whole life, but so much had changed. I'd grown up so much faster than I should have; who wouldn't, when their 18 year old boyfriend was diagnosed with cancer which was nearly always terminal?

I punched a pillow next to me in annoyance, and growled with frustration when there was another knock. I don't know who I was expecting to see standing there, but I know Sandy was not that person.

"Sandy? What are you doing here?"

"Oh sweetie," she said, stepping past me into my space. "Emmett told Tom you were sick last night and wound up in the hospital. I wanted to bring you some soup," she held up a plastic container, "and make sure you were okay. Are you okay?"

My eyes closed and I counted to ten slowly, focusing on my breathing and keeping calm.

I was still standing in the foyer when Sandy came out of the kitchen. The instant her hand touched my hair, I fell apart again. Tears streamed down my face and I collapsed into her open arms.

In that moment, it didn't matter that she was the reason I'd been so sick the previous night. I didn't care about all the pain and anguish I'd gone through in the past ten months, let alone the past 24 hours. Gone was the wretched woman who'd made my life a living hell. Here, in her place, was the woman I'd turned to my entire life, when my own mother didn't understand me, when I had questions I was too embarrassed to ask Renee.

I sobbed into Sandy's hair for a long time. It reminded me of the way we'd clung to one another in the hours after Dexter had died. We were both stoic while Tom called Dr. Hale and the medical examiner, but the moment Dexter's body was out of the house, she and I had collapsed onto his bed and held each other as we cried.

An hour later, we were curled up on my couch together under the blanket she'd made. We each held a mug of hot chocolate, and I felt like a little girl again.

"I'm so sorry," I told her.

"Bella, it's not your fault. This has been so hard on all of us," Sandy said quietly. "We all lost so much when he died." She leaned forward to set her mug on the table and absentmindedly played with a strand of my hair. "I need you, Bella. Our connection is so important to me. You're the last bit of Dexter I have."

"You have Tom," I said, confused. "He's more a part of Dexter than I am."

"I do have Tom. But he . . . doesn't quite understand my emotions, I don't think. You do. You know what it's like to wake up in the morning and be fooled into thinking he's still here. Don't you?"

I nodded sadly and we fell into another silence.

"I have an idea," she said after several moments. "When you feel up to it, let's have breakfast at the diner, the way we used to when you were younger. We haven't done that in so many years, Bella. What do you think of that?"

I smiled at the thought. "I think that would be great."

* * *

**Okay, I can see you all raging from here (even my beta pretty much cussed me out over this). Calm down. I know it seems like Bella is ignoring everything Sandy has done wrong, but she's not. Bella is pretty broken. Keep in mind how angry she was when she was talking to Emmett. Hold on to that, because that fire will show up again, and Sandy **_**will**_** get hers. **

_**The Kübler Ross Model**_** was nominated for two Indie Twific Awards. Voting ends March 2 at Midnight EST. Take some time to read the nominated stories; they're all worthy of winning. www(dot)theindietwificawards(dot)com**

**I'm absolutely pwned by **_**In Pursuit of Normalcy**_** (KariAnn1222), **_**Family Ties**_** (BeckLyn23) and **_**When the Words Scream**_** (LaraIsAwkward). In the interest of full disclosure, IPoN is a Jake/Nessie fic. Sorry if that squicks you, but the story is really amazing.****Also, WtWS is a srs bsns fic.**


	10. Stop

**As always, my words are prettier because of Katie and Trin. **

**My Bernstein . . . she's amazing. Jake would not be the character he is if it wasn't for her. (For those of you keeping track, she takes credit for Sandy, Renee, and Jake, and rightfully so.) **

**I don't own Twilight, its characters, or anything else that is publicly recognizable. Dexter, his family, and these words are mine. Please don't steal.**

**I never do this, but you really should listen to the song before you read this chapter. (http://www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=4IeDtMK9cYo) I'm so, so sorry for the crappy quality, but this song was originally released in 2002 and I cannot find a better version of this anywhere. Trust me, I spent close to an hour looking.**

**

* * *

**You've got me in a tough situation,  
sorry if this sounds stupid.  
I'm losing my mind through this repetition.  
Stop me before I lose you, too.  
Leave it to me to be cynical,  
jaded and boring; rhetorical.  
This dry humor that keeps me here each day  
is all that I have to keep you away.  
-_Stop_, Punchline

I threw my hands up in frustration. Looking around the apartment, I realized how much I had left to do before leaving to pick up the moving truck.

"Are you kidding me with this?" Jake held up a worn out copy of _Gone With the Wind_. "When did you trade in your balls for a vag, E?"

As if I needed a reminder of what I'd lost the morning she asked me to leave so she could be with Emmett.

"That's Bella's, you asshole," I snapped.

Jacob had flown out from Chicago to help me pack up and drive back to my parents' place in Illinois. While I was grateful he was being such a good friend, I was also annoyed that he was making snide, stupid remarks every other minute.

"Okay, man. I was just asking. You know I'd love you even if you did decide to become a woman. Hell, I'd probably love you even more. I'd divorce Leah in a heartbeat if you decided to go through with a sex change. What could be better than marrying my best friend?"

"You did marry your best friend," I growled. "At least that's what you said in your vows."

Jake cocked his head to the side and gave me a goofy grin. "I did. The kids ruined it."

I threw a paperback at him and rolled my eyes. "You're the one who hates condoms."

"You are so right about that," he muttered. "Dicks are meant to be free. They're confined too much already."

We worked in silence for another hour until Jake complained about being hungry. Because I'd made the decision to go back to Chicago, I hadn't gone grocery shopping so I suggested we hit the diner.

Jake decided to spout his words of wisdom at me while we waited for our dinner to arrive.

"Dude, why are you on this settling down kick? Rosalie is like your Jennifer Aniston. She's making you feel the need to settle down. Bull shit, brother! Bull. Shit. We're _men_! We're not meant to settle down. We're hunters. Hunters hunt! They . . . they roam!"

I stared blankly at him; I'd learned over the years that it was better to just let him go until he wore himself out.

"It's like being a damn penguin," he said suddenly.

"Penguin," I deadpanned.

"Yes, penguins. I fucking hate them. Them and their tuxes and their mating for life bullshit. Ruins it for everyone."

"Do you do research, or are you just blessed with the gift ridiculous knowledge?"

"I blame Lifetime and Dr. Phil for this. And penguins."

I shook my head and laughed.

"Look, all I'm saying is I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's really hoping makes it happen, E. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie. You know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from. Okay?"

"Did you just quote _Swingers_?"

"Vince Vaughn is an incredibly smart man."

"Vince Vaughn didn't write _Swingers. _Jon Favreau did."

"But Vince brought Trent to life, and you cannot deny Trent was a fantastic character. Who else could've delivered the line "You're so money and you don't even know it," that beautifully? I'll tell you who- no one."

"Fine, I'll admit Trent was a good character, but that particular quote didn't fit into our conversation. Not even a little bit."

"Please don't take a turn to Negative Town?"

"_Old School_?"

"_Wedding Crashers._"

"Nice."

He finally shut up when our server put his dinner in front of him, and I planned to enjoy the silence so when Emmett strolled up the table I didn't bother repressing the groan of annoyance.

"Edward! What's up, man?" Emmett boomed, clapping me on the back. He turned to Jake and gave him a toothy grin. "Emmett McCarty."

"Jake Black," he said between bites of his burger. "What's up?"

Emmett grabbed a chair from the table next to us and straddled it. "Guess you're joining us," I mumbled.

"You new in town, Jake?"

"Nah, I'm here to help my man E escape Mayberry with a quickness. Stage five clinger has him all upset, so I'm playing the role of a good wingman and helping with the drive back to Chicago."

"You're moving back to Chicago?" The shock in Emmett's voice was obvious. "Does Bella know?"

"I haven't had a chance -"

"Why the fuck should he tell Bella? Chick's been screwing with his head since he moved here for her. I don't care why you think you moved to Satan's armpit, E," Jake said, holding up a hand to stop me from talking. "You moved here for her, not Rosalie. You ask me, neither one of them was worth it."

Emmett's ears turned bright red and I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.

"What?" Emmett sputtered. "Are you . . . do you know who . . . What the fuck, man?"

"What do you mean, what the fuck?"

"Emmett is Bella's best friend," I supplied.

"First of all, where do you get off calling Bella a stage five clinger? Calling my town Mayberry and Satan's armpit? And I'm sorry, Bella _and_ Rosalie are worth moving for," Emmett snapped.

"Your town? Look around, dude. It's like Wal-Mart and 90's grunge hooked up and had a prom night baby."

"What the-"

"Your girl Bella is a _classic_ example of a stage five clinger. She only ever calls Edward when she wants something. As for Rosalie, unless you want to be here until next week, I suggest you not ask my opinion on her."

"If she's only calling him when she wants something, isn't she the antithesis of a clinger?"

"Moot point. You're a meathead if you think you can outwit the wit in this bromance."

"More like the dimwit," Emmett snapped.

"Guys!" I felt like I was in the middle of a pissing contest. "Why don't you just whip your dicks out? Wouldn't that be easier?"

I stood, grabbed some cash, and threw it on the table. "I can't deal with this right now. Jake, I'll see you at the apartment when you're finished," I said over my shoulder as I stalked to the door.

"Come on, Edward!" Emmett called.

I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing or where I was going. When I threw the door open, I nearly smacked a woman in the face with it. "I'm sor-" I started before I realized who was standing there.

Sandy Robinson. With Bella. What. The. Fuck.

###

After everything was packed and all we had to do was load the truck in the morning, Jake had had enough with my relative silence. I got a text from Emmett asking me to meet him for a beer, and he swore up and down The Last Call was a safe place because Bella never worked on Thursdays.

"Why don't you go out and grab that beer? Spend some time with yourself, see what Emmett wants. I need to be a good husband and father and pretend to like everyone back home for an hour or so anyway."

I was wary of the whole thing but I figured it couldn't hurt, so I headed out.

I said hello to a few of the regulars when I walked in, and was surprised to see Bella behind the bar. She gave me a half wave, then turned back to the customers in front of her. I nearly turned around and walked back out, but Ben immediately poured a drink for me and I didn't want to be rude, so I took it and enjoyed being alone and watching bad sports on TV for a while.  
Just as I finished my beer, Emmett came in and plopped down on the stool beside me. He didn't say anything until after Ben had placed a drink in front of each of us.

"Edward . . . Look, man I don't think you should . . . don't do this to her. I don't think she can take it."

"For once I'm actually thinking about me, Emmett. I need to do this for me. I need space, and I need time. Going back to Chicago is going to be a good thing for me."

"I get it, I really do. This past year has been really rough and-"

"No, you don't. You don't have a fucking clue how I feel," I snapped, jabbing a thumb at my chest. "Bella _always_ calls you when she's down. She tells you everything. You get to know what's going on in her head pretty much all the time. I've tried like hell to understand her, to show her how much I _want_ to be there for her, and all I get is ignored."

"You're moving back to Chicago?" Ben asked quietly.

I nodded sadly.

"Oh wow. Well we'll miss you around here," he said, turning around and going back to work.

"I gave you my opinion on the matter," Emmett said after a few minutes. "But like you said, I know a lot about Bella. I think you need to tell her. If she finds out when you don't show up here for a few weeks, or when she sees someone new coming out of your apartment, it's going to tear her up.

"Edward, that girl is like a kid sister to me. I can't just sit here and let you plan to leave without telling her. It's not fair to her. Or to you, for that matter. If you don't tell her, you're not giving her the chance to ask you to stay, and I think she might do that."

"I'm tired of her holding me by the damn balls, Em. She had all the power when it came to whatever we were, and I've never even asked all that much. I just wanted her to try and let me in."

"Look at her history, Edward. She let Dexter in and he died. She let Sandy in, and she treats Bella like shit ninety-nine percent of the time."

"I don't see how any of that is my fault. I'm pretty sure Dexter couldn't help dying. And as f0r Sandy . . . I can't even start on that bitch. If Bella's so fucked up about Sandy treating her the way she does, why did I see them together earlier? Or did you miss them walking into the diner as I was leaving?"

"I did see that," Emmett said, nodding.

"Well then you're going to have to excuse my annoyance with Bella and her inability to push away the negative in her life for the good. I swear, Em, the only good people I've ever seen her with on a regular basis are you and her father. And a few of the people who work here. Everyone else just wants to tear the poor girl down and I get the backlash from that. Not you, not Chief Swan, not Ben. Me. Why does she treat me the way she does?"

"Isn't there some saying about always hurting the ones you're closest to?"

"Bullshit, Emmett. Bella and I are _not_ close."

"She kisses you."

"When she feels like she needs physical attention, and only because she knows she couldn't get away with trying to kiss you."

"She kisses me all the time," he protested.

"Cheeks don't count asshole," I huffed. "I can't stay here and let her rule everything I do, even when she doesn't know she's doing it. I _need_ this. I need to go home."

"Tell her. You'll regret it every day if you don't," Emmett implored.

"Bella!" I called. "Meet you here at closing to walk you home?" Her brow furrowed, but she nodded. "Happy?" I asked, turning to Emmett.

"Walking her home doesn't count as telling her."

"I'll tell her."

"Shake on it," he demanded, sticking his hand out in front of me.

I reluctantly shook his hand and threw some cash on the bar to cover our drinks. "I'm going home for a little while. I promise I'll come back to get her, and I promise I'll tell her tonight."

###

It was ten minutes before the bar closed, and I was pacing back and forth. The anticipation of telling Bella I was moving back to Chicago sat like a brick in my stomach. I didn't want to tell her. I considered just walking her home, telling her goodnight, and praying she was still asleep when Jake and I loaded the truck in the morning, but I didn't trust the odds of that actually happening.

Ben saw me through the window and waved me in, motioning that he was about to lock the doors. I nodded and held up a finger, wanting one more minute to calm my nerves before going in and facing Bella.

I must have been more lost in my thoughts than I realized, because Ben called my name as he ushered the last of the bar's patrons out the door and gestured for me to come inside after him.

"Thanks, man," I muttered as he locked the door behind me.

Bella was behind the bar, washing glasses and laughing at something on Comedy Central. She froze when she saw me and gave me an awkward smile. "I shouldn't be too long," she said when I sat down on my usual stool.

She slid a full beer to me and shrugged when I looked at her questioningly. I sipped at the drink and watched while she and Ben went about cleaning.

Being faced with the inevitability of explaining why I was moving to Bella sucked. I really, _really_ didn't want to tell her about it. I kept hearing Emmett in my head, telling me it wouldn't be fair to just leave without saying anything.

He was right. Despite feeling rotten about actually going, Bella didn't deserve to be hit again with the sudden loss of someone she cared about - if she actually cared about me at all.

I rested my elbows on the bar top and palmed my forehead. Coming to terms with leaving her was harder than discussing a failing relationship with Rosalie, and she and I had been together for several years.

The entire situation felt ridiculous and trite. Why was I letting myself get so worked up over a girl who in all likelihood wanted nothing of substance from me?

"Edward." Bella stood waving her hand back and forth in front of my face. "We're done. You ready?"

I gulped down the rest of my beer and nodded. "Let's go."

We left the bar together and walked a block in the direction of our building before speaking at the same time.

"Bella -"

"Edward -"

She gave me a small smile. "Go ahead."

I rubbed the back of my neck and sighed, unsure whether to ease into this or just rip the band-aid off. A few beats of silence later, I chose the latter. "Bella, I'm moving."

"Like out of the building? Did you find a better place somewhere? Where is it, because I feel like I need to find a new place. I swear I'm suffocating in that-"

"Not just out of the building. I'm going back to Chicago."

Her hand moved so fast I didn't have time to stop her before she slapped me. "What do you mean, you're going back to Chicago?" My cheek stung from where her hand cracked across it and I instinctively reached up to touched the warm flesh.

I laughed and shook my head "It's not that complicated, Bella. I've spent the last week packing up my shit. In the morning I'm picking up a moving truck and trailer, and Jake and I are starting the drive to Chicago."

"Why? What's the purpose in going back to Chicago? You need to act like a child again and the only way you can do that is if you have mommy around to coddle you?"

My eyes went wide and I started laughing harder. "Oh my god, Bella. Do you even realize how funny that is coming from you? You've done nothing _but_ act like a child since I met you. Most people grow up when they lose someone they love at a young age. Really," I said as she narrowed her eyes at me, "you hear it all the time. Kids lose their parents and they grow up faster because they have to be an adult.

"You didn't grow up. I don't blame you. Everyone in this god damned town treats you like you're twelve and you go right along with it. I get grief; I do. But it's been almost a year and you still get so upset that you drink yourself into a stupor when something doesn't go your way."

"You have no idea what I've been through," she said through clenched teeth.

"You're right, I don't. And why is that, Bella? It's not for lack of trying. I skipped New Year's in Chicago with my _friends_ to come back here and tell you how I felt about you. Instead I found you so drunk you puked on yourself because you got a letter you'd been whining about not having for ten months."

"Edward, I-"

"Why does everyone in this town indulge your every whim? Is it because of your dad's job? Or is it because you somehow landed the town golden boy and they're all afraid you'll break if they bring him up around you? Don't think I haven't noticed how you only allow certain people to talk about him around you.

"Fuck, Bella. Don't you see? I _have _to go back to Chicago. Have to, because this town is toxic. I'm not the man I was when I moved here; I've been walking on eggshells for the last ten months because of you and this fucking town. And I do it because everyone tells me 'Be patient with Bella, she's had a hard time of it. You don't know what she's been through, you couldn't possibly understand her.'

"They're right. I don't understand you, because you wouldn't let me in! I've tried everything I can think of to show you I cared, and I wanted to help you through this. Bella, I was never looking to jump into bed with you regardless of what this fucking town thought. All I wanted to do was be there for you, to give you a shoulder other than Emmett's to cry on if you needed it. I'd be stupid if I said I didn't enjoy kissing you because kissing you is like nothing else I've ever experienced, but a man can only take so much rejection.

"I got past you yanking your hand out of mine when we ran into Dexter's parents in Port Angeles and I thought: okay, she's uncomfortable with PDA, but then you threw me out of your hospital room and I figured it out. You're just not ready to stop being everybody's perfect little princess."

"So that's it?" she asked, tears streaming down her face. She grabbed my hand and squeezed tightly. "Edward . . . I don't want you to go."

"I'm sorry," I said as I pulled my hand away from hers. "I have to do this for me. I can't do this any more. I can't fight the whole town . . . and I'm tired of competing with a ghost."

I looked down at her one more time before walking toward my apartment, and toward a future without Bella.

* * *

**I posted three side shots/outtakes from KRM and this story under the title **_**Heartbreak Warfare**_**. The letter is there if you haven't seen it yet. **

**Thank you to each and every one of you who voted for KRM in the Indies. This morning I learned I'm a finalist in both categories (Best AH story and Best Secondary Characterization). Voting starts March 15. **


	11. Fallen

**Katie & Trin, thank you so much for taking care of this after your own crazy weekends.  
**

**Bernstein would like you to know that while she enjoyed this chapter, she's _really_ excited for E's next POV. She's impatient, that one. **

**I don't own Twilight, its characters, or anything else that is publicly recognizable. Dexter, his family, and these words are mine. Please don't steal.**

* * *

Though I've tried, I've fallen.  
I have sunk so low.  
I have messed up.  
Better I should know.  
So don't come round here  
and tell me I told you so.  
-_Fallen_, Sarah McLachlan

Losing Dexter was one of the worst things I'd ever endured.

Watching Edward walk away was a close second, and it took me fifty-one days to realize it.

I don't know how long I stood there after he walked away, staring, waiting for him to come back and apologize. When it finally dawned on me that he wasn't coming back, I walked home, took the stairs to my apartment, and immediately pulled a new bottle of liquor down from the kitchen cabinet.

I had it opened before Edward's words hit me. _"You still get so upset that you drink yourself into a stupor when something doesn't go your way."_

Twenty minutes later, every bottle of alcohol in my apartment was empty and I was on my balcony smoking a cigarette. I'd stopped crying a few minutes after he walked away, and hadn't shed a tear since I'd gotten home.

I toyed with the buttons on my phone for a while before I finally gave in and called Emmett. I felt bad about it, but he always told me I could call him no matter what and I needed my friend.

So Emmett had come over, talked me through my feelings that night, and left, thoroughly impressed with my decision to toss all of my liquor. I hadn't told him I threw it out because Edward had called me on the alcohol poisoning.

I hadn't even come to terms with nearly drinking myself to death after getting my letter from Dexter. It wasn't what he would have wanted. It wasn't what I wanted, but it took months for me to realize it.

For fifty-one days, I went through the motions of my life. I got up, smoked too much, went to work, paid my bills, spent time with my parents, with Emmett, with Sandy. I sent Edward a few texts to let him know I was thinking about him, but I only heard from him once - he left me a message in the middle of the night to let me know he and Jake had made it to Chicago safely.

The morning of February 28 was cold, clear, and depressing. I was more than a little disappointed I hadn't had another dream about Dexter, especially given the significance of this day.

By the time I pulled myself out of bed I'd missed three calls from my parents, two from Dexter's parents, and five from Emmett. I didn't want to deal with any of them.

After showering, I headed to the cemetery to be with Dexter. I walked because it was sunny and stopped to grab a cup of coffee on the way. I made my way to the marker with Dexter's name on it and unfolded the blanket I'd brought to spread on the ground.

For a long time, I sat and stared at the granite with his information engraved on it. I reached out and traced the letters of his name and the quote his mother had insisted on putting underneath the dates. "We loved you for all of your life, and will continue to do so for the rest of ours," I read aloud.

"Did your mother even know you?" I giggled. "This isn't something you ever would have picked for yourself."

The wind blew gently around me as I laid my cheek on my knees. "Sorry I haven't come to see you before today. It's just been the most ridiculous year, you know? Losing you was _so_ hard on me, Dex. Without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever been through. I think about you every single day.

"I don't know if you're up there watching . . . who am I kidding? Of course you are. I've seen you in my dreams. So I guess you know I got your letter and it wasn't your dad who gave it to me. I still haven't talked with your mom about how she got it. I almost drank myself to death that night because I was just so overwhelmed.

"You know, at first I wasn't sure whether to be angry with Edward for showing up that night. If he hadn't shown up I would have died; I've accepted that. I went back and forth for a couple of days, like was I grateful he saved my life or mad that he prevented me from being with you forever? I'm glad he showed up, especially after I took time to read your letter a few hundred more times.

"It's hard to make the people in this town realize that you never wanted me to live the way I've been living. And it's really, really hard to show your mom what you wanted. I'm convinced she read that letter because how else would she have known to tell me why I hadn't gotten it when everyone else got theirs? I hate that she twisted your words and made me feel bad about them for even a second.  
_  
_"This town, Dexter . . . it's just . . . it's . . ." I thought long and hard about how the town made me feel. Again Edward's words resonated. Forks was toxic and dragging me down.

"This place is toxic. You know Edward called me on my bullshit? Not one person has done that since you died; not even Emmett. Don't get me wrong, Em's been the best friend I could hope for after losing you. He's supportive and he's there for me no matter what time of day I call him, but he kind of just lets me get away with whatever. I'm treating everyone like shit - and it's not fair - but at the same time, they're not doing much better by me."

A wave of nausea suddenly rolled over me. Here I was, sitting in the cemetery talking to my dead boyfriend's headstone, and thinking about Edward. It took a long time sitting there, trying to think of things to talk to Dexter about, for me to realize I wished Edward was with me. I knew my parents, or Dexter's parents, or even Emmett would have come with me in a heartbeat, but I didn't want them.

I thought back to the night of Tom and Sandy's anniversary party, and how after Sandy had torn me down all I'd wanted was Edward. He'd tried so hard to be there for me, but I pushed him away because I didn't trust him to be what I needed in that situation.

I was wrong. He'd been exactly what I needed and I hadn't wanted to acknowledge it. For months I'd spent time with him, almost every night in fact, and I hadn't once asked him anything about his life prior to moving to Forks. I hadn't ever talked about Dexter unless Edward had asked, and aside from that first time, I'd kept my stories short and funny.

Sitting in Forks Cemetery, it dawned on me: Edward had been right. About everything.

I'd let everyone coddle me and cater to my every whim. I'd let myself be put up on a pedestal. _Poor Bella Swan, she'd lost so much.  
_  
"I want Edward here," I said to myself.

"I want Edward here," I said a little louder. "I want someone who will call me on my bullshit, who's willing to be a shoulder when I need it, but is also willing to tell when I'm being overly dramatic about things and letting people get to me.

"I want to call your mother out," I said to Dexter's headstone. "Sweetie, I love you and I always will, but she's the worst of them. She . . . I doubt your dad knows what she's doing to me, how she acts all concerned about my progress, then turns around and tells me I didn't love you enough and I'm not grieving the right way.

"Jesus Christ, why did it take so long for me to realize all of this shit?"

I sighed and again traced the letters of Dexter's name. "I love you. I miss you. But I think I need to find out who I am without you. For the past year, I've just let people treat me like I'm always going to be a part of 'Dexter and Bella' and that's not fair. I'm young. You wanted me to live a happy life, whether that was as just Bella or Bella and . . . someone. It's about time I stand up for myself to your mother."

After a breakthrough I was sure Tanya would be proud of, I spent the rest of the afternoon telling Dexter about work and Emmett's pathetic perusal of Rosalie Hale. I mentioned that Jasper had moved home with his wife, and told him what little I knew about Alice.

When I'd talked myself hoarse, I kissed the tips of my fingers on my left hand and touched them to the headstone and the tattoo on my right wrist. "Love you, Dex," I whispered as I walked slowly away from his resting place.

I finally turned my phone back on and with a sigh, returned my messages.

###

A few days later I sat in a booth at the diner, nervously shredding a napkin while I waited for Sandy to arrive.

When she finally came through the front door, I stood and gave her a weak smile. I'd been psyching myself up for this since the moment I'd decided to tell her exactly what I thought of her and I was confident I could do it.

Sandy wrapped her arms around me and squeezed tightly. "Bella! It's so good to see you. Thank you so much for the trip to Hawaii; Tom and I needed the vacation. It was absolutely perfect."

"You're welcome," I said, a bit shocked at her public display of affection. "Tell me all about it."

She launched into a detailed description of their trip, including spouting off random facts about the islands. She only stopped when Jasper Hale's wife walked through the door.

"Ugh, would you look at her?" Sandy gestured toward Alice. "She looks _nothing_ like what her job title says she should."

I looked carefully at the woman I'd met briefly at the anniversary party. Her outfit looked a lot like what I'd seen in the fashion magazines Kate left on the bar after a slow lunch shift: knee high boots, a tight red dress, and a trench coat, in that weird plaid pattern, girls in Seattle always went nuts over.

"I don't know, she looks fine to me," I said softly, remembering Alice had been kind to me.

"I cannot figure out why the county hired her. She's not a counselor, she's . . . I don't know what she is! Would you believe," Sandy hissed, "she's trying to start a group for _gays_ at Port Angeles High? Next thing you know, she'll be doing the same in Forks! The PTA will not stand for it, I'll tell you that much."

"I'm not sure I understand the problem, Sandy. You know there are gay kids in Forks, right?"

Sandy blinked at me a few times and shook her head. "Absolutely not. That's just not possible."

"Sandy, Mike Newton is gay. Even if he denies it; you just can't be like Mike is and be straight."

She shook her head again and sighed. "You're so delusional, Bella. Mike does not bat for the home team. He played football, for heaven's sake! He was an altar boy and he just adores Jessica Stanley. I heard he's going to ask her to marry him soon. There is just . . . he's not gay, Bella."

"Ohh-kayyy," I said, barely suppressing a giggle.

"Regardless, I just don't understand. She's giving these kids all kinds of ideas about what's acceptable and appropriate that just do not work with the values we've been teaching our kids in Forks."

"What do you-"

"And how she managed to snag Jasper Hale is just the question of the week, isn't it? Jasper could have had any girl he wanted in this town. I was sure he was going to marry your friend Angela. They were just perfect for one another. Of course, look at who she's dating now."

"Ben's a great guy," I supplied.

"I'm sure he's perfectly nice Bella, but Angela is so much better than that. I just feel so bad for Peter and Charlotte. First Rosalie runs off to Chicago and perpetuates her reputation by bringing home that boy Edward, and Jasper . . . Jasper went to Vanderbilt. Such a promising life that young man had, but he went and married, well, _that_.

"It's so sad when someone like Jasper marries someone so obviously beneath him."

"Sandy, stop."

"I'm sorry Bella, but it's just broken poor Charlotte's heart."

"She seemed to really like Alice at your anniversary party. They spent a huge portion of the night talking to each other."

"Oh, Charlotte is just too sweet to be rude to Alice in public, that's all."

"Must you always judge people you don't know?" I snapped. "You judged Edward because he moved here with Rosalie. Now you're judging Alice on her clothes. Have you ever actually talked to her? She seems nice. She was very kind to me."

"You're just so . . . I don't know," Sandy said. "You're too trusting, I think."

"Sandy, you're ridiculous! Your nasty attitude is dragging other people down. I don't know what your deal is lately, but for fuck's sake, calm down! You do realize my recent trip to the ER was a direct result of your actions, right?"

"Wait just one minute, little girl. Don't blame me for your inability to handle your own life, and don't you dare use my son as a reason for your," her voice dropped to a whisper, "disturbing behavior."

"Pot meet kettle, Sandy. _You_ can't handle your son's death. Not me. I'm trying. I'm trying so God damned hard that I . . . I let a good friend walk away. I let you and this fucking town-"

"Stop right there. If you want to know who made that . . . boy . . . turn tail, maybe you ought to look in the mirror, Isabella Marie."

"I'm sorry, but I just can't deal with the knowledge that you found something Dexter intended Tom to give me, read it, and took it upon yourself to deliver. Does Tom even know?"

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"For that matter, if you actually read it you know he wanted me to move on and be happy, so why did you make it your mission in life to ruin every good thing I had with Edward? He moved back to Chicago because of you."

"Moving on? You think hopping into bed with Rosalie Hale's leftovers is moving on? I'm sorry but if you wanted Edward, you'd have gone after him, the same way you dug your claws into my son."

"Oh my God! Sandy, you know I fought like hell against being in a relationship with Dexter because I was afraid of what might happen to our friendship if we broke up. _He_ pursued _me_ for the most part!"

"And you let him. My son loved you more than life itself, and now you're willing to throw it all away for some boy you don't even know! You sit here blaming me for your mistakes. _Yours._ Not mine. Dexter may have wanted you to move on, but he sure as hell did not mean for you to turn to . . . that."

"Damnit, I couldn't help falling in love with Dexter any more than you could help falling in love with Tom. You didn't answer me . . . does Tom know you found the letter and delivered it to me?"

"No. But it's as if you want to erase Dexter, as if he were nothing more than a blip on the radar. Well he wasn't, Bella. He was my flesh and blood. I carried that boy for nine months! You don't get to just quit because he's no longer here!"

She might as well have slapped me in the face. I couldn't help the tears that started falling.

Sandy had always been like a second mother to me, and learning that she'd purposely read something Dexter had meant only for my eyes and worse - ignored what he'd wanted for me - was the worst kind of betrayal.

"Why? Why would you do this intentionally? Why cause me more pain?"

"You don't know what real suffering is, Isabella."

"You ran the day he was diagnosed! I was there for him . . . you . . . I can't," I choked through my tears.

Sandy was crying, too, when she stood quickly and darted out of the diner, leaving me with my head on my arms, sobbing. I should have been embarrassed to be crying in the diner where anyone could see me, but I was so emotionally broken that I couldn't bring myself to care.

"Honey, are you okay?" I heard a lilting accented voice ask. "You look like somebody gave you an ass whipping and kept on going."

I lifted my head from the table and met the eyes of Alice Hale. She held out a tissue and gave me a small smile. "Here, sweets. Mascara ain't made for running."

"Thank you," I sniffed.

She smiled again, bigger this time, and walked out with her food in hand. I grabbed my phone and immediately dialed Emmett.

"I hope this is a social call and not an oh-my-god-my-life-is-falling-apart-and-I-need-you-right-now call," a female voice snapped into the phone.

"I'm sorry, I thought I called Emmett," I muttered.

"You did. It's Rosalie, Bella. What do you want?"

"Can I talk to Emmett?" I asked meekly.

"It depends on what you want to talk to him about. Are you just calling to say hello, or are you calling expecting him to run to wherever you are right now and comfort you because something didn't go your way?"

"Look Rose, I got into an argument with Sandy and-"

"And nothing, Bella. Is it even possible for you to work through your fucking issues on your own, or do you depend on Emmett to pick up the pieces every time something doesn't go your way?"

"I just . . . Rose, can I please talk to my friend?"

"Fine," she huffed.

I heard fumbling around while she worked on handing the phone to Emmett and finally his voice came across the line. "Bella? Are you okay?"

"You have got to be _fucking_ kidding me!" I heard in the background.

"I'm fine, Em. Just had a thing with Sandy and wanted to hear a friendly voice."

"You sure, Bells?"

"You know what? Never mind," I said.

I didn't want to risk Rosalie still listening, so I hung up after a brief conversation with him.

###

"It's been a while since I saw you, Bella," Tanya said.

"I know. It's been a crazy couple of months," I said lamely.

"How are you doing?" she asked quietly.

"Um, I've been better. Edward moved back to Chicago since the last time I was here," I told her.

"And how do you feel about that?"

"I'm really angry, actually. I'm angry he left me. I'm angry because I realized today I've got no one in this town, not even Emmett anymore because Rosalie has him by the balls. I . . . Tanya, this is probably the worst thing I've gone through since Dexter left. I don't know how to be my own person, and that's really frustrating," I sighed.

"I'm angry with myself for pushing Edward into moving, though I firmly believe Sandy was a huge part of his decision. You know how I'd been complaining Dexter wrote everyone letters, and not me? He _did_ write me a letter, and he gave it to his dad to give to me. I don't know how she did it, but Sandy found it and gave it to me at our family Christmas dinner.

"I wound up in the hospital that night with alcohol poisoning. Edward had come home early from Chicago to tell me how he felt about me. Instead he found me on the floor of my kitchen, surrounded by broken glass. I don't remember much after he got there. When I woke up the next morning, I kicked him out of the room.

"I wish I'd explained to him better why I asked for Emmett. It wasn't because I didn't want Edward there, but it took me until I was in the cemetery the other day, talking to Dexter, to realize how _much_ I want Edward around. And yeah, I'm a little mad about Rose and Emmett being together, but I really don't begrudge him for finding someone who makes him happy. I think I'm more angry with her for showing me just how much I depend on Emmett when things go badly for me."

I took a deep breath and held it, waiting for Tanya to speak.

"Welcome to your first breakthrough, Bella Swan," Tanya smiled.

* * *

**Voting has opened for the second round of the Indie Twific Awards. KRM is a finalist in two categories (AH Story That Knocks You Off Your Feet (Complete) and Best Secondary Characterization). You can vote by following this link: http://www(dot)theindietwificawards(d0t)com/voteround2(dot)aspx  
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	12. Hey Soul Sister

**Katie & Trin gave me amazing words of encouragement about this chapter. ILY both so much.**

**Bernstein says "hi" and really hopes you enjoy the chapter. Please read her rec of KRM on The Fictionators, and don't forget to vote for KRM in the Indies. (This is all a direct quote; we're on the phone right now.)**

**I don't own Twilight, its characters, or anything else that is publicly recognizable. Dexter, his family, and these words are mine. Please don't steal.  
**

* * *

Just in time,  
I'm so glad you have a one track mind like me  
You gave my life direction, a game show love connection we can't deny.  
Hey soul sister, I don't want to miss a single thing you do . . .  
-_Hey Soul Sister, _Train

I never realized how lucky I was to work for a large company until I decided to move back to Chicago. Three days after Jacob and I arrived in town, I was back in my old office and it was like I'd never left.

Admittedly, I'd pussied out when it came to letting Bella know I was home. I'd waited until I knew she'd be sleeping, then called and left her a message.

It wasn't that I didn't care about her; I still did, very much. Leaving Forks was an escape for me, though. For the first time in a long time, I was truly single. I didn't have a girlfriend or a girl I was interested in to distract me. It was nice to go out with Jacob or any of my other friends with the ability to talk to any woman I wanted to, with no consequences if I wasn't feeling it.

A week after going back to the office, my boss had approached me and asked if I'd be interested in traveling. With nothing to tie me to Chicago other than my parents, I'd quickly agreed. By the end of February I'd been to Philadelphia, Orlando, Washington, D.C., San Francisco, and Dallas. I'd skipped out on thea trip to Seattle by claiming a family event that particular weekend. I hadn't thought my boss would be too receptive if I told him I didn't want to go there because of some chick.

Near the end of March, I was headed to New York when weather grounded planes leaving O'Hare for an indeterminate amount of time. I holed up in one of the terminal bars, near the busy walk way. My laptop was open in front of me and I was concentrating on a client's file when I heard my name.

"Edward Cullen?"

I looked up and smiled widely. "Frankie?"

"Oh my God, no one has called me that since grade school and you know it! How the heck are you?"

"I'm doing well," I said. "How about you?"

Frances Margaret Shannon - Maggie to her friends - had been in just about every class I'd had growing up. Our parents were in the same social circle, so I'd spent an inordinate amount of time with her. It 'had been literally years since I'd seen her, though.

"Great. I'm great. What brings you to Chicago? I heard you moved to Washington with Rosalie Hale," she smirked.

"I live here. Again," I laughed when her eyebrows shot up. "I moved back in January."

"Couldn't handle Seattle sunshine?" she teased.

"Something like that." I shifted in the uncomfortable bar stool. "What about you? I thought you moved off to Boston or something."

She nodded. "I did. Just moved back home a few months ago myself. Turns out Chicago's in my blood. I missed the hot dogs like hell," she confessed. "There's nothing like a Chicago dog. So what are you doing sitting in the airport on this fine March afternoon?"

"Supposed to be heading to New York. Doesn't really look like that's happening tonight though, does it?"

"I'm honestly surprised my flight from Tampa got in. They were talking about diverting us to Indianapolis. Thank fuck that didn't happen. I _loathe_ Indianapolis." Her laughter was contagious and I couldn't help but join in.

It'd been ages since I'd even considered what I was about to do, but I didn't really see the harm. "I don't know if you're in a rush to get home, but if you aren't, would you like to join me for a drink?"

"I'd love to," she said, maneuvering her rolling bag under my feet and searching the crowded bar for an extra stool. After a moment, she shrugged and smiled at me again. "Guess I'll just stand until some of these folks give up."

Immediately, I jumped out of my seat. "Here, take mine. What can I get you?" I turned toward the bar, stopping to wait for her drink preference.

"I would really love a Sam Adams," she sighed. "What can I say? Something from Boston had to rub off on me," she answered the question my raised eyebrows had asked.

I made my way to the bar to order her drink and another for myself, then squeezed through the crowd back to where Maggie sat, nosing around on my laptop.

"Sorry," she said sheepishly. "I hate to admit this, but I'm completely addicted to Facebook."

"Checking on your crops in Farmville?"

"Sorority Life actually. Had to make sure no one added me to their burn list," she said with a wink, shutting the lid of the computer. "So tell me about you Edward. Things with Rosalie didn't work out? Or they did, and you convinced her to move back to Chicago?"

I took a swig of my beer and shook my head. "Things didn't work out, but we're still friendly. She's in law school at UW now and doing really well."

"Good for her. Hey, do you still talk with Liam? I heard a rumor he's getting married this summer. Can you believe someone finally got him to commit to something other than a beer bong?" she laughed.

"I do, and I can confirm that rumor. I got a Save the Date card last week. They're getting married in August. Her name is Bree and she's far too good looking for him."

"That's exciting. I never, ever thought he'd be the first of your brothers to get married. Especially not after the way he was in college."

"I know," I chuckled. "I thought for sure Sam and Emily would have gotten married by now."

"Well, Emily's just holding out for a bigger ring than the one he gave her the night of the Spring Formal," Maggie whispered with a smirk.

Our shared laughter caused several people to look in our direction, which only made Maggie laugh harder. After we'd finally calmed down, I smiled at her. "What about you, Mags? Any guy you might want to marry in the picture?"

"Oh God, no!" She looked horrified. "After Randall and I broke up, I decided to try the single life out for a while. It's rather . . . liberating," she grinned.

"Isn't it, though? I feel like I'm single for the first time in forever."

"You didn't date Rosalie for _that_ long. Did you move back because of the break up?" She took a long pull of her beer and looked at me expectantly.

"No, we broke up shortly after we moved. I was kind of biding my time and just got sick of Forks. Wretched, toxic little town," I spat.

There was no way I was telling her why I'd spent so much time in Washington after breaking up with Rose. The situation with Bella was just far too confusing to explain to someone who didn't need to know about it anyway.

"Gee, Edward. Tell me how you really feel about things."

Maggie and I spent the next couple of hours catching up in the airport bar, reminiscing about the time we'd spent together in school and college. I'd completely forgotten several of the stories she told me about my fraternity brothers, and got a kick out of her account of my high school baseball days.

I learned she was a pharmaceutical representative who traveled often, educating doctors and hospitals about new drugs as they came out, and explained to her how my boss had asked me if I'd be interested in traveling once I'd moved back to Chicago.

When my flight was finally canceled, I asked her to dinner.

I'd forgotten what it was like to have someone genuinely want to spend time with me, who didn't feel obligated by the constraints of a relationship or whatever the hell I'd had with Bella.

I knew I wasn't being fair with my thoughts regarding Bella. On more than one occasion, she'd turned down my request to spend time together; at the same time, it was nice to be out in public with someone without the constant fear we'd run into someone who would look down on our being together.

I knew I wasn't ready to jump into another relationship, but I really enjoyed spending time with Maggie, and after dinner we made plans to get together again.

###

Maggie and I hung out a few times after getting reacquainted over dinner. I asked her on an actual date a few weeks after that, taking her to dinner and a movie. We'd parted with an agreement to go out again and a peck on the cheek.

It wasn't that I was against kissing on the first date, but the entire time I was walking her to her door, I couldn't get Bella out of my head and how our kisses had led to more kissing, but only in private. I didn't want that again, no matter how much I liked Maggie.

"I completely forgot how much fun this place was. Look, it's Nemo!" Maggie exclaimed, pointing to a brightly colored clown fish.

For our second date, I'd asked her to come with me to the Shedd Aquarium, followed by a White Sox game. I'd hidden my surprise well when she'd agreed to spend so much time with me. I knew it would be quite a while before I got over my shock about a woman not minding being seen out with me.

"Edward, hold still. I want to take a picture of you," she said with a smile. I posed in front of a huge banner on the wall, and made a funny face. After Maggie had taken the picture, she checked her camera and laughed. "That's _so_ going on Facebook and don't you dare untag yourself!"

She bounded back over to me and shoved the camera in my hand, arranging herself so I could take a picture of the two of us together. As soon as it was done, she grabbed the camera back and smiled widely at me. "We take adorable pictures together, Edward. I'm just saying," she told me, showing me the screen.

Our faces were touching and our eyes were bright from all the laughter we'd shared throughout the day. I smiled again and glanced down at my watch. "We should be going if we want to make the first inning."

"I think I'm silently thanking God you're a White Sox fan," Maggie laughed. "I love the Cubs and all, but it's been so long since I've had anyone to go to a Sox game with."

"Well you're certainly dressed for it, aren't you?" I teased. She was wearing an old White Sox shirt with her jeans, and her hair was pulled into a pony tail under the baseball cap on her head.

"Are you kidding? Any reason to pull this shirt out," she said with a wink. "This is a classic. It belonged to my mom, you know."

"Come on," I said, tugging her by the arm toward the front entrance.

We walked in the late afternoon sun toward the L. Maggie insisted on grabbing food from one of the stands outside of the Aquarium and teased me relentlessly when I told her I wasn't in the mood for another hot dog.

"You don't know what you're missing, Eddo," she giggled, waving her food under my nose.

"I do know, Frankie. Trust me, my insides will be thanking me later when they're laughing at you for having indigestion," I smirked.

She nodded. "Okay, so no more Eddo."

"No more Eddo."

Maggie had threaded her fingers through mine by the time we arrived at the stadium. After a few minutes, she shook her head and smiled. "I'm sorry, is this okay?" she asked, gesturing to where our hands were joined.

"It's great," I smiled.

I panicked briefly when she pulled her hand from mine a few minutes later, flashing back to dinner in Port Angeles with Bella, and her reaction to seeing the Robinsons walking into the restaurant. Maggie brought me out of the memory when she pushed a stuffed bear wearing a Paul Konerko jersey into my line of sight.

"Look Edward. I usually hate these kinds of things, but how cute is this?"

I reached for my wallet and bought her the bear before she could protest. "Now he's yours," I said, putting the bag in her hand.

"Thank you," she said, smiling.

I learned Maggie was a picture fanatic at the game. She took pictures of the players while they warmed up, the person who sang the national anthem, and more than I could count of the two of us together. I put my foot down when she wanted me to pose next to a statue of Charles Comiskey when we were walking around near the end of seventh inning.

We grabbed a cab when we left the game, and she leaned over to hug me when she was dropped off outside of her building. "I had a great time today, Edward. Call you tomorrow?"

I nodded, smiling. "Sure thing."

My cell buzzed with a text message after the driver had pulled away from the curb and my heart sank when I read it.

_Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. Hope you're well_.

It wasn't the first time Bella had sent me a message like that, and like all the others it went unanswered. No way was I letting her bring me off of the high I felt after spending a great day with Maggie.

I'd talked with Jasper a few times after leaving Forks and he'd told me Bella seemed to be doing better. Alice had seen her crying in the diner one morning in early March, though she wasn't sure what had happened. After doing some digging, Jasper learned Bella had been there with Sandy, and Sandy had stormed out, leaving Bella a sobbing mess.

Typical.

I'd cut Jasper off after that, telling him I appreciated he wanted to keep me up to date on Forks gossip, but I didn't really care to know about Bella crying yet again over something Sandy had said to her. He went on to tell me Bella had discussed the possibility of going back to school to finish the degree she'd put on hold when Dexter had gotten sick for the final time with Alice.

I wasn't all that surprised to learn Rosalie had finally caved to Emmett's advances, but I was shocked to hear he was putting off Bella to spend time with Rose.

"I thought those two were a package deal," I'd said to Jasper.

"They used to be. Apparently Rose put her foot down about how much Bella was calling him.

I told Jasper about Maggie, explaining I was thinking about inviting her to be my date to my fraternity brother's wedding in August. Jasper seemed thrilled for me. I knew he'd tell Alice, but a big part of me hoped Alice would keep that information from Bella, even though I couldn't quite figure out why.

I'd just kicked off my shoes and popped a beer open when my phone rang.

"E, you need to come out with me tonight!" Jake exclaimed as soon as the call connected.

"Not tonight, Jake. I was out all day and just got home. Can we do happy hour tomorrow?"

Jake huffed, but agreed to meet me out the next evening.

###

I got out of work just in time to head to the bar to meet Jake. When I arrived, I saw several of our old school friends crowded around the table with him.

I had just ordered my second beer when Maggie called to see if I was interested in having dinner with her. "I'm out with Jake and a few other people. You should come out; I'm sure they'd all love to see you."

She quickly agreed and I gave her the name of the bar. Jake looked at me expectantly when I hung up from the call.

"Who was that?"

"Maggie Shannon," I said, smiling slightly. "She's going to come hang out for a bit."

Maggie was greeted with the same enthusiasm I was when she arrived. She ordered a beer from the server and scooted in next to me, quietly saying, "Hey."

"Well, well, well. Look at you Frankie. You're all grown up!" Jake boomed.

"Physically we're the same age, Jake, but I don't know if you're ever going to age past twelve in that brain of yours."

"Oh, she's feisty. I like her, Edward."

I threw a balled up napkin at Jake and ducked my head in embarrassment. "Shut up."

"You look good too, Jake," Maggie grinned. "Whodathunk Jolly Jake would ever lose those extra pounds?"

"I take care of myself now," Jake shrugged.

"Which means Leah doesn't let him eat anything," Garrett piped up.

Maggie laughed again. "She owns your balls, doesn't she?"

Jake shrugged again. "Yeah, but I've got her tits. Even trade if you ask me."

The conversation turned to memories of our high school baseball team, and Jake was telling us all about some game winning home run he'd hit when Maggie interrupted him. "Jake, you were the worst player on the team," she smirked and turned to the rest of the group. "Jake was known for striking out on and _off_ the field."

"You shut up, Frankenstein. Up until high school you looked like that chick from Sixteen Candles."

"At least I grew out of my awkward phase, Jakey. By the way, Don Johnson called; he wants his jacket back."

"Hey Shannon, why don't you put that mouth of yours to better use?" Jake snapped.

I blushed deeply, but Maggie held her own against him.

"Hey Black, why don't you put that . . . oh wait. Your balls are in Leah's Hermes bag. Damn."

Every one erupted into a fit of laughter. Maggie looked down at her phone and cursed. "I have to go. Talk to you tomorrow," she said with a smile at me.

Jake turned to me the moment she was out of ear shot. "Nice ass on that one. I don't remember her being so fun in school."

"That's because she was always turning you down when you asked her out," I said.

"This is true. Whatever. She's much cooler than that Bella chick you were trying to get with in Spoons or Sporks."

"Forks," I snapped.

"Who the hell names a town after a utensil anyway?"

"Leave Bella alone. She's . . . getting better, from what I've heard. She's thinking about going back to school."

"Is she going to learn how to develop a personality? Because if that's what you're waiting for, she's going to be there for a bit."

"Shut up Jake," I mumbled.

###

The next morning, Maggie and I got together for coffee before work. We were just leaving the shop when she grabbed me by the wrist.

"Look Edward. You know I had a thing for you when we were growing up and I think I've waited long enough to do this," she said, just before she pulled my head down to hers and kissed me.

I pulled away, short of breath, and smiled down at her. "Wow," I muttered. I was just about to say something else when I saw someone out of the corner of my eye.

Bella was standing not far from us. She looked shocked and gave me a weak smile when my eyes met hers. Maggie turned in my arms to see what I was looking at.

"Who is that?" she asked when she spotted Bella.

"No one," I said, taking her hand in mine and starting down the street toward her office building.

* * *

**So . . . let me know what you thought of Maggie. (Bernstein says "Miss Maggie if you're nasty.") **

**Indie voting is open until March 24. You can vote at ****http://www(dot)theindietwificawards(d0t)com/voteround2(dot)aspx.**


	13. Stupid Girl

**Katie & Trin took care of Alice's excess use of 'honey' in this chapter. You should love them as much as I do, because they're awesome. **

**I truly cannot write without Bernstein holding my hand. The proof is in the pudding: she left the country shortly after 12 posted. I wrote maybe 100 words while she was gone. Within three days of her being back, you have chapter 13 and chapter 14 has already been started. ILYSFM, Bernstein.**

**I don't own Twilight, its characters, or anything else that is publicly recognizable. Dexter, his family, and these words are mine. Please don't steal.**

* * *

You stupid girl  
All you had you wasted  
-_Stupid Girl_, Garbage

"I don't think I'm getting anywhere," I said, slamming my fists down on the chair in frustration.

"How do you define independence, Bella?"

"I am independent. I have an apartment I'm paying for, a job I show up to on a regular basis, I pay my own bills. Lord knows I go against the grain," I huffed.

Tanya didn't say anything, she just stared at me until I cracked. "Why are you staring at me?"

"Why are you here, Bella? In order for me to help you, you have to want to be here. If you want therapy to work, you have to be present when you are in this office. Otherwise you're wasting your time, and mine. Has it ever crossed your mind that you've never been present in your life?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I snapped.

"Have you ever not had someone - a man, as a matter of fact - in your life who was willing to help you with whatever you felt you needed help with? First your dad, then Dexter, then Emmett. You complain about not knowing who you are outside of 'Dexter and Bella,' but can you tell me who you are without your dad, or Emmett, or Edward to help define you?"

"I . . . I'm . . . why am I even paying you? All you do is sit there and talk circles and confuse me. You know, I think I'm just going to go. I don't really need this, or you."

I snatched my bag from the floor next to me and stalked out of Tanya's office. Just before the door slammed behind me I heard Tanya call out, "See you next week!"

I brought my cell to my ear as I left the building to check the voice mail Alice had left while I was in my appointment.

The walk to the diner was relatively short but it gave me a chance to reflect on the odd friendship I'd developed with Alice over the past six weeks or so and how it had come to fruition.

With the help of the Robinsons, Forks High School had developed a small memorial for Dexter just outside of the school. Alice was bouncing back and forth between Forks and Port Angeles high schools as a counselor and the school had made sure she'd be on hand on that particular day, though I wasn't sure why. The students who were currently enrolled at Forks High hadn't known Dexter beyond a name and a face in team championship photo.

I was roaming the halls, looking for my old locker when Alice had sauntered up to me and squeezed my shoulder like she knew how hard the day was for me. I was more than a little shocked; she'd only met me once and she'd seen the meltdown I had in the diner right after the anniversary of Dexter's death, but she seemed like she knew everything about me.

After the ceremony Alice had dragged me to the diner for a cup of coffee and just _listened _to what I had to say.

When I finally asked her about herself, she told me she was a sucker for lost souls; her main vocation in life was trying to fix them and, "who's more lost than teenagers?"

We started a ritual of having coffee together every morning shortly after that day.

Thirty minutes later I was seated across from Alice in the diner, telling her all about how I'd walked out of Tanya's office.

"You did what? Honey, are you slow or just plain stupid?"

I sighed and pressed my palms into my eyes. "Alice, I had to get out of there. She was suffocating me and confusing me. I thought she was supposed to be helping me."

"Who lied and told you that therapy was easy? It's not, at all. In fact, the harder it is, the better it works," Alice scoffed. "You need to get on that phone right now and beg for another appointment tomorrow."

"I'll be fine. I can do this myself. It's not like that bitch Sandy has any real control over my life, right? It's just what I'm letting her have, and I shouldn't be doing that. I can do this, Alice. I know it."

"I don't think you can. You don't have the tools necessary to do that. Besides, Sandy is not the problem here. You are."

"You're treating me like one of your students."

"You're acting like one of them! I'm just gonna come right out and say this." Alice paused and took a steadying breath. "You're not the only one who's lost someone you love. I have been through more in my life than you could _ever_ imagine. The difference between you and me is I came out swinging; I didn't roll over and play dead. I know you're used to everyone feeling sorry for you, but I'm not gonna do that.

"You're not the first person to lose someone you love," she reiterated, "and you won't be the last. Pull on your big girl panties and work on getting better."

"What do you think I've been doing when I'm sitting in Tanya's office all confused about what she's saying to me?" I asked curtly.

"I know what you think you've been doing, and I don't think sitting there and being mad at her for telling you what you need to hear, rather than what you want to hear, is a good thing."

"So what do you suggest, Ms. Guidance Counselor?"

"I think _you_ need to figure out who you are, outside of that stigmatized relationship you were in with Dexter. No one else is gonna do that for you, honey. You know what?" she snarked. "You have damsel in distress syndrome. You're always looking for someone to ride in and rescue you. Princess, this ain't a fairy tale, this is real life. You need to find your own horse, climb up on it, and ride out of that ivory tower yourself."

I gaped at her, unsure what I should say. I finally snapped, "I thought you were my friend."

"I think I'm the only real friend you have, because I'm the only one who's going to tell you the truth. Look, I agree with you - Sandy Robinson is a bitch. No one can stand her. They put up with her, but they don't like her."

I snorted and nodded. "I think you might be right."

We sat quietly for a few minute, slowly sipping our coffee. "Al," I said, finally breaking the silence, "I think I'm going to take a trip to Chicago."

She fidgeted nervously in her seat and wouldn't meet my gaze. "That might not be such a good idea, Bella. I mean, what are you going to do when you get there? You can't possibly expect Edward to drop whatever it is he's got there and move back to Forks."

"I'm not expecting that at all. I just want to talk to him, spend some time with him. And since he won't answer any of my text messages . . . I'm going to go directly to the source." I chewed on the inside of my cheek for a moment before brightening. "You should come with me! I'm sure Edward would love to see you, and I need someone who's been there before to show me around."

"Well isn't that what you're hoping Edward will do?" Alice grimaced.

"Well . . . I mean . . . I _hope_ he'll fill that role, but I don't know much more than what company he works for and that he's been traveling a lot lately. You might be able to point me in the direction of his building."

"Honey, don't think you're going to drag me on this trip so you can use me to get to Edward. Absolutely not."

"Please, Alice?" I'd already pulled my laptop out and was perusing web sites for relatively inexpensive flights. "Look, I can get us there from Seattle for under two hundred dollars, round trip." When Alice didn't say anything, I did some more typing. "Do I need to rent a car, or will I be able to just take their subway-"

"People in the city say 'train' or 'L'," Alice interrupted.

"Fine," I said with a roll of my eyes. "Will I be able to take the train everywhere I need to go? Oh, this is a great idea."

"I don't think it is, Bella. I really, _really_ don't, but hard heads make soft asses."

"Alice, what does that even mean?"

She just smiled without answering.

###

"I can't believe you're still trying to talk me out of this, Alice! Our flight is first thing in the morning and you're sitting here trying to unpack my bags."

"This has nothing to do with me thinking this is a bad idea - I still do, by the way - and everything to do with _what_ you're packing. Don't you own any clothes not made from denim? Or without hoods?" she asked, clutching one of my hoodies between her thumb and forefinger like it might bite her.

"This is what I'm comfortable in."

"Well it's your choice," she muttered under her breath.

"Besides, this is what I've always worn around Edward. Except for that anniversary party and I_ don't_ want to talk about that night, ever."

###

Getting to the airport in Seattle was a nightmare, the flight was even worse, and by the time we'd landed in Chicago, I was ready to throw the whole thing in the bag and go back to Forks with my tail between my legs.

Alice, however opinionated she'd been that this was a bad idea, insisted I stay in Chicago and at least try to get together with Edward.

I knew he'd stayed with the same company after leaving Washington, so finding his office building wasn't a problem. Alice reluctantly told me which apartment building he was living in, so I quickly put the addresses into Google Maps. They were close enough that he might walk to work on nice days and the following day was supposed to be absolutely beautiful. I made up my mind that I'd scope out both buildings the afternoon I arrived, then I'd find a good place to grab coffee or something early the next morning.

It was a little stalkerish but he wasn't responding to my text messages or phone calls, so I didn't know what else I could do. There was no way I was going to just show up at his office, because that was his place of business and I couldn't embarrass him at work that way. His apartment building was secured, so I couldn't get in there unless he buzzed me in.

Alice rolled her eyes at me when I told her I was going to walk around downtown Chicago. I knew she was on to me, but I didn't care.

Chicago was an impressive city. Having only ever really lived in Forks, with a brief stint in Seattle for a semester of college before Dexter got so sick I transferred to a school in Port Angeles, I was a little awed by the cityscape around me. I made it to Navy Pier, Millennium Park, and past both of the buildings I knew Edward frequented. By the time evening had fallen, I'd found a perfect cafe to grab coffee at the next morning and it wasn't too far from the hotel.

I was out of the room before Alice woke up the next morning. I'd just rounded the corner to the cafe, prepared to grab myself a latte and take a seat at one of the little tables outside when I saw him.

He'd just come out of the shop with a tall, slender blonde woman. I was getting ready to call his name when she grabbed his wrist and said something to him with a smirk on her face. My heart jumped into my throat when she pulled his face down to hers and kissed him.

_That Heidi Klum wannabe! Who the hell did she think she was, strutting around Chicago with Edward like an America's Next Top Model cast off?  
_  
I forced a smile when he pulled away and saw me over her shoulder and was just about to raise my hand to wave when they turned away from me. He grabbed her hand in his and they walked away together.

What. The. FUCK.

I fumed the entire way to the hotel room. The door slammed against the wall with a loud bang.

"You knew," I accused Alice as soon as I saw her. "You knew, and you didn't tell me. That's why you kept discouraging me from making the trip."

She didn't even have the decency to look ashamed as she nodded. "I knew."

"How could you do this to me Alice?"

She huffed and started pacing the room. "Bella, what did you think he was going to do, pine away for you? He's a red-blooded American male and in case you've forgotten, he's pretty easy on the eyes. He let you drag him through the mud for almost a year. He's _done_, honey. I hate to be the one to tell you, but the world doesn't revolve around you."

"So you hide from me that he's dating . . . Frankenblonde?"  
_  
_"You are not ready to be what Edward needs you to be. You're being selfish and you spent the entire past year denying him a normal relationship. Men talk, honey. He told Jasper how you didn't want to be seen in public with him and how when you were together, you snatched your hand away from him the minute you ran in to someone you knew.

"You cannot have thought Edward was going to let you continue to blue ball him until you decided you were ready for a relationship? Maggie-"

"Frankenblonde has a name?" I snorted, sitting down at my laptop and signing into Facebook.

"Bella, _stop_. Maggie gives him the normalcy he craved with you. He _wants_ normal and you are _not_ normal. You're not even in the area. Hell, you're not even in the zip code! As a matter of fact," she said with a smirk, "if normal were the United States, you're Russia. You're just not there yet. You need to fix you before you drag that poor boy back into your life."  
_  
_While Alice lectured me, I was paging through photo after photo of Edward with Maggie Shannon. "Fuck, does she ever wear clothes?" I sputtered after seeing photographic evidence of their trip to the beach.

"Honey, you're going to drive yourself crazy," Alice said softly. She was staring forlornly at me from the bed. "Like I said, you need to work on fixing you before you go after him. It doesn't matter that you've decided you want him, you have to prove that to him now."

"Her ears are _huge_, Alice. God, she looks like a missing elf from _Lord of the Rings_. What the hell does he see in her?"  
_  
_"Netflix _Fatal Attraction,_ honey bee. That's you."

"I've got it," I said with a snap of my fingers. "Alice, I've got to talk to him. I'm going to send him one more text message, because I know he saw me. I know he knows I'm here. I just need to talk to him, maybe get him away from the Heidi Klum wannabe for a few minutes. It's obvious to me that I've made a grave mistake. Maybe if I can get him back to Forks, I can show him how much he means to me."

"Your life ain't a Taylor Swift song, Bella. You need to stop being so damn selfish. Right now, you're not only delusional about Edward, you're bat shit crazy. I know you want to talk to him, but he doesn't owe you a damn thing. Don't you dare sit there and act like he should be falling all over himself to get you back. Honey, if you were a fish and this were the ocean, the fishermen would throw you back. You are _not_ a catch."

I pulled out my phone and stared at Edward's name for several minutes before composing a text message.

_I know you saw me. I just want to talk. Lunch?_

"Why do you keep doing that?" I asked.

"What?"

"Telling me everything that's wrong with me."

Alice snorted. "Because unlike the rest of the people in your life, I live in the real world. I'm not going to play make believe with an adult."

"Alice, you can't treat me like one of your prepubescent kids."

"I'll stop when you do, honey."

I opened my mouth to make a smart remark when my phone pinged. It was from Edward but there were no pleasantries, just a time and an address.

* * *

**I'd like to extend a big, fat thank you to everyone who voted for me in the Indies. KRM didn't win any awards, but being nominated was such an honor. **

**Lent is over, so you'll find me tweeting again. I'm jadedandboring.**

**Please visit the thread for this story on Twilighted. http : // bit (dot) ly / 9JpJCO I'm working on getting better at posting teasers and answering questions to the best of my ability.  
**


	14. Sick Man Blues

**Katie & Trin are just awesome. There isn't any other way to say it. **

**I owe Bernstein so much for Jake. She says Jake/Edward is her new favorite bromance. **

**I don't own Twilight, its characters, or anything else that is publicly recognizable. Dexter, his family, and these words are mine. Please don't steal.**

* * *

You tried to give me up,  
You flirted with my time.  
I guess you broke the promise  
you made somewhere down the line.  
Oh, you're a struggle.  
-_Sick Man Blues_, Bobby Long

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. I punctuated each word by banging my head against my desk.

_Why_ had I just agreed to have lunch with Bella?

A little voice in the back of my mind was telling me it was because I still had feelings for her, no matter how much I tried to ignore them. Another voice reminded me of Maggie and all the fun we had together.

Seeing her outside coffee shop had been so awkward. Maggie was far too perceptive for her own good and called me on my bullshit answer of "no one" when she'd asked who Bella was. Eventually I told her Bella was just a girl I'd known in Washington, but it had taken me a few minutes to realize why she looked so familiar. I didn't think Maggie bought that either, but at least she stopped questioning me.

I had an hour until I was supposed to meet Bella at the Billy Goat Tavern. I knew there was no way I was going to be able to concentrate on work. I decided to buzz my boss to ask if I could take the rest of the day off because I didn't feel well. It was much truer than I wanted to admit.

I needed this. I needed closure with Bella, because while I'd said what I thought I needed to in Forks, I needed to know for sure that the feelings I had for her were gone, or at least had diminished to something more platonic.

The thought of being with Bella in public, even though we were on my home turf as it were, was nauseating.

I slowly packed up my things and started out of the office. I ran into my boss in the hall and fought the urge to chuckle when he told me I looked a little green. "Go home," he said, "And get better. Don't forget your trip to Santa Fe next week. I need you healthy by then."

With a curt nod, I stepped into the elevator.

The walk back to my apartment was forgettable because of all the thoughts running through my head. I could not fathom why Bella would be in Chicago, why she would have been at that particular cafe so early in the morning, and why she'd want to talk to me.

Without really knowing why I was bothering, I changed into my favorite pair of jeans and a shirt Bella had mentioned liking on me. I changed into a different shirt before I left, because I didn't want her to think I was trying to impress her.

She was sitting at a table in the corner when I walked into the dark, dingy restaurant. With a sigh, I headed over to her.

"Edward! I'm so glad you came!" she exclaimed.

"They don't wait on you here," I said as I gestured toward the counter. "You have to order your food from up there."

Her face fell a fraction of an inch, but she forced herself to keep smiling. "Okay. Do you think I'm all right to leave my stuff here?"

"It's not like you can't see it from the line," I shrugged.

She stood and tried to give me a hug, but I just stood there with my arms at my sides. Completely awkward.

The person in front of me was _not_ the Bella I was used to dealing with. That Bella wouldn't have ever tried to hug me in public. She wouldn't have forced herself to keeping smiling when she was obviously uncomfortable either.

I tried to subtly sniff the air around her to gauge whether or not she'd been drinking already, but all I smelled was the burgers cooking and stale beer from years of people drinking and spilling.

We placed our orders and I was surprised when she offered to pay for my meal. Surprised, and a bit suspicious. After we'd sat down at the table and started to eat, I broke the silence. "Bella, what are you doing here?"

"Having lunch with you?"

"I mean, what are you doing in Chicago?"

She fidgeted under my gaze for a few minutes before sighing quietly. "I came to talk to you. You weren't answering any of my texts, and I didn't want to bother trying to call just to have you ignore me. I wanted to see how you were doing."

"I'm fine. What are you _on_? You came all the way from Forks to see how I'm doing? That's . . . kind of pathetic, Bella."

It was amazing - in a few short months, this person I'd been so attached to for nearly a year had changed so much that I didn't recognize her at all. In that moment, I realized Bella needed help. Not the funny kind of help Jake needed. Serious help. Perhaps medical intervention.

She was thin. Her eyes were alight but dead, like the fire had gone out. She wasn't the girl I knew, and I found myself wondering if anyone else was aware of what sat in front of me. Part of me wanted to find a way to save her. But I knew in that moment, I couldn't be that for her. She had to it this on her own.

"I . . . I . . . Edward, I'm not trying to be pathetic. Or even clingy. I care, okay? I just wanted to see how you're doing, maybe tell you a bit about what Tanya and I have talked about. Did you hear I'm going to finish my degree?"

"Bella, can I be perfectly honest with you?" Her eyes grew wide and she nodded. "You look like shit. I don't know what you've been doing, but it looks like you've just come off a three day alcohol bender-"

"I haven't had a drink since the night before you left," she said so quietly I barely heard her.

My train of thought changed course immediately. She hadn't had a drink since that night? I felt the smallest glimmer of hope. Maybe some things were finally getting through to her? I was suddenly angry. All those months I spent trying to help her get through her grief, and the one time I spoke my mind - really spoke my mind and told how pathetic her drinking habit was - she actually listened? What the fuck?

Suddenly what she expected to gain from this impromptu trip to Chicago became clear. "I'm not moving back to Forks just because you quit drinking and are going back to school."

I was furious and I was scared to death. Furious because I was there, right there the whole time; scared because I wasn't able to give her what she wanted. Even though part of me wanted to, I just wasn't that guy any more.

"I'm not _asking_ you to move back to Forks!" She slammed her fist down on the table. "I'm trying to make some fucking progress here, okay? Part of that, for me, is to try to rekindle the friendship we had. So," she stared down at the napkin she was shredding, "tell me about the girl I saw you with this morning?"

I relaxed infinitesimally and felt myself smile a little, though I was suspicious. "Her name's Maggie."

"Alice told me. I didn't know about her before I came here, by the way. Seeing you this morning was kind of like a punch to the gut."

I shrugged. "Sorry. But it's nice to know Alice kept that particular secret for me. I've known Maggie forever, literally. Our parents are friends."

"Is it serious?" she asked softly.

"I . . . don't know yet. I think I'd like it to be," I offered.

"Does she . . . why her, Edward?"

I sighed heavily. "She makes me laugh."

"Oh." For the first time, I saw through her façade of strength. "That's good, right?"

"It's very good," I said gently. "I can't remember the last time I laughed so much."

I felt a bit guilty for being so honest with her, but it was stupid. I'd always been honest with her, even when I knew she didn't want me to be. And if she was really here because she wants to rekindle our friendship, I was going to talk to her like I would any friend.

"She's easy," I said, sputtering a little. "I mean, she's easy in that being with her is easy. I don't have to worry about how she's going to react when I grab her hand, or when we run into people we know while we're out."

"Don't you think that's a little harsh?" she snapped.

"How so?"

"It's obvious you're talking about how I was when we were out together in Forks, or even Port Angeles."

"So what if I am, Bella? Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to constantly walk on egg shells because I didn't know how you'd react to something? Or how much I hated it when you pulled away from me?"

"No," she admitted, "but I do know how much I hated pulling away from you." She sighed heavily and gave me a small smile. "You were right. That town is just toxic. I can't even depend on my own mother to be supportive anymore."

"So leave."

"I've thought about it a lot lately. Maybe Seattle, because Port Angeles is just too fucking close to home."

"That might be good for you," I muttered, more to myself than to her.

We ate in awkward silence until she cleared her throat. "Why did you really leave?"

I choked on my drink; I wasn't expecting her to be so forward. "I told you when I left. I had to do it, for me. Everything I did - from the time I moved there, to when I left - was for someone else, mostly you. I hadn't done anything for myself in a long time, and I just couldn't let that happen any more."

"Are you happy?"

I sighed and let the question roll around in my head before responding, "Yeah, I'm happy."

###

I didn't see Bella again before she headed back to Washington, though we talked on the phone once.

I successfully avoided telling Maggie about lunch with Bella, but Jake was another story. I needed to bounce the entire situation off of someone and despite Jake's feelings about Bella; I knew he'd be honest with me.

He was on his way out the door when I called him, so I told him I'd meet him at the grocery store. When I got there, I saw two of his three daughters running circles around him. When he turned to face me, the third daughter was strapped to his chest.

Normally, I didn't notice what other guys were wearing, but the shoes Jake wore with his muscle shirt and designer jeans were just too much. "Crocs, Jake? Really?"

"Shut up, di-" Jake clamped his mouth shut. "Shut it. They're really comfortable. Besides, they match the kids." He shoved a piece of paper in my hand and smirked. "You're on my turf now. Get the things on the list while we talk."

I grabbed items off the shelves as we walked through the store and bit back laughter while Jake had a five minute conversation with a woman on the benefits of Paula Dean's cooking over that of Giada De Laurentiis.

"Look lady, I'd be a lot happier with more butter in my life," Jake said with a note of finality in his voice. "And more sex," he added under his breath.

We were walking down the cereal aisle when I told Jake about having lunch with Bella.

"Are you stupid? Why would you do that?"

"Daddy, Mommy says you shouldn't call people stupid," Jake's oldest piped up.

"I know, Emily. I'm sorry. I promise I won't do it again," he said, rolling his eyes. "So did you tell Maggie about Bella yet?"

I squirmed uncomfortably under his gaze. "No. I'm not okay telling Maggie about the entire Bella situation. I'm just not ready. I don't think Maggie is ready to hear about what a moron I am."

"Daddy, Edward said-"

"I know what Edward said, Emily. I'll make sure Edward's mommy punishes him later. Take your sister and pick out cereal. Anything goes. I don't care what your mom says; you can have as much sugar as you want."

Emily squealed and grabbed her younger sister by the hand. "Let's go, Rebecca! Daddy says we can get whatever cereal we want. Oooh, let's get Cheerios!"

Jake shook his head, muttering, "Damn woman has them brainwashed." He turned to me and raised his voice. "What kid picks _Cheerios_ out as a treat cereal? My kid, because my wife has them brainwashed into eating nothing but fiber and mother fucking granola."

"You know why you have daughters, Jake? It's karma's way of paying you back for being such a manwhore."

"What's a . . . a manwhore? And why are you one, Daddy?" Rebecca asked. These kids were _fast_ when Cheerios were involved.

I knelt down in front of her and gave her a big smile. "A whore is what Miley Cyrus will be in a few years."

"Oh, okay." Rebecca nodded and took off down the aisle toward her sister. "Em! Edward says Miley Cyrus will be a whore in a few years!"

Jake was trying, and failing, to keep his laughter in. When he noticed me looking at him, he composed himself and glared. "You know I'm going to hear about that. I think I really am going to call Esme to have her punish you for your dirty mouth."

"Please, Jake. Have you heard my mother on a good day? Her mouth is so much fouler than mine," I said, reaching for a gallon of milk.

"That's not organic."

"It's milk. The list says 'gallon of milk.'"

"Sure, but the heading is 'organic,' so you have to make sure to get the organic milk."

"What? Jake, it's milk. It comes from a cow. What's the difference?"

"Look, in my house, if we're not drinking organic milk, Leah says we're all going back to breast milk. I don't know about you, but if I'm drinking milk from a teat, it better be a teat on a cow."

I snorted. "Did you just say teat?"

###

Several nights after my grocery store run with Jake, my office had a dinner party on the Spirit of Chicago. Maggie came with me and stole the attention of every man in the room.

After the boat had docked, she and I walked hand in hand down Navy Pier. She was quiet for a bit, and then tugged on my hand on pulled me to a bench to sit. "Edward," she said softly.

"Maggie," I smiled, leaning in to press a kiss to her lips. "Thank you so much for coming with me tonight. I would have been bored out of my mind without you."

She gave me a wry smile and shook her head. "Good. I'm glad to help. But I have to ask . . . when do I stop being your friend, and start being something else?"

I realized then that when I'd introduced her to anyone at all during the dinner part, I'd called her "my friend, Maggie."

"You know you're important to me," I told her. "Do we have to label this?"

"I know that logically, but yeah, the girl in me wants a label. I know guys don't like labels, and I'm breaking all the rules by saying this, but I need to put this out there." She stopped to take a breath. "I'm crazy about you, Edward. You're smart and you're funny and you're the same guy I went to high school with but you've grown up. I don't . . . I don't want to waste my time if we're not going anywhere. I want something real and tangible.

"And I know I'm not supposed to be forward, but I want to be with you. I know we're more than friends, Edward. But what are we, exactly?"

My head banged against the back of the bench as I leaned back. "I don't know how to define what we have, Maggie. You're important to me. I love spending time with you, and I love that you make me laugh."

She nodded and waited patiently for me to continue.

It was hard to even have a desire to define what I had with Maggie, and I wondered if that was because of how Bella had resisted defining what she and I had been.

But Bella and I had never spent so much time together. We kissed sometimes. She fell asleep on me when we watched movies and I had always relished the feeling of her in my arms. Maggie and I kissed. We fell asleep together often, and she spent several nights of the week at my place.

We still hadn't slept together, but that was entirely my fault because I just wasn't ready for it. If Jake ever found out that I wasn't sleeping with Maggie, he'd probably revoke my man card or something.

"I just . . . Okay, so the thing with Rosalie was defined, and look how that turned out for me. I spent so much time focused on this girl . . ." I trailed off, not wanting Maggie to figure out I wasn't talking about Rosalie. "It just turned out badly for me, you know? So it's hard. I don't even like the word girlfriend."

"It's not my favorite word in the world either," she said gently. "What about . . . significant other? Or partner? No, that makes it sound like your name should be Edwina, not Edward. Paramour? No, that won't do because neither of us is married."

"Stop," I gasped, leaning forward to hold my stomach as I laughed. When I'd calmed down, I smiled at her. "Girlfriend is too juvenile, but that's what you are."

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**No killing me over the last line, please.**

**So there might be a little more lag time between updates for a while. RL is kicking my ass. Be patient with me, please? **

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	15. Someday

**Katie & Trin are just awesome. There isn't any other way to say it.**

**Bernstein is the Jake to my Edward. No, really. ;)**

**I don't own Twilight, its characters, or anything else that is publicly recognizable. Dexter, his family, and these words are mine. Please don't steal.**

**

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**

You can go, you can start all over again.  
You could try to find a way to make another day go by.  
You can hide; hold all your feelings inside.  
You could try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry.

And maybe someday we'll figure all this out.  
Try to put an end to all our doubt,  
and try to find a way to make things better now that  
maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud.  
We'll be better off somehow, someday.  
-_Someday_, Rob Thomas

_Are you happy?_

I let the question float around in my head, even as our conversation shifted to the great new perks of his job - he loved to travel - and his apartment in the city. I listened to him and thought, _So this is what it's like to have your shit together_.

Even though I loathed Frankenblonde, I had to admit that she was in a place in her life I couldn't even fathom.

I felt more confused than anything. I knew Edward had moved on, not only from me, but from everything. He seemed lighter, despite his obvious caution. His shoulders were less tense and for the first time I noticed a boyish charm I hadn't ever seen in him.

It was refreshing.

And I was ridiculously jealous of Frankenblonde for bringing out that side of him when I'd never been able to do it. Hell, I hadn't ever really tried.

The rest of our awkward lunch was spent in idle chatter. We talked about my decision to go back to school and his next business trip. When we parted ways, he patted me on the shoulder and told me to take care of myself.

I mulled over the entire experience on the walk back to the hotel. I'd forced myself to keep smiling, even though he hadn't really greeted me at first. That façade had been hard to maintain, especially when I'd asked him about Franken . . . Maggie.

Alice was perched on the end of her bed when I let myself back into our shared room. I moved slowly, taking my sunglasses off and putting my bag on the desk, all while trying to ignore her rapidly tapping foot.

"It was . . . awkward," I finally said.

"Sucks when it hits you in the face, doesn't it?"

I sighed heavily. "Yeah, he's happy, Al. I expected a lot of things. I could've dealt with anger, frustration, all of that shit, but happy? Happy I can't even think about."

She smirked, crossed her arms, and waved a hand in the air like she was waiting for me to continue.

"I was so stupid. I thought . . . I thought I could walk in there, he'd see me, and he'd have some heinous public break up with the Heidi Klum wannabe."

The look on Alice's face gave her away; she thought I was absolutely crazy. "And when that didn't happen?" she pressed after several long minutes of silence.

I took in a shaky breath. "I don't know who I am anymore."

"Well, baby girl, don't you think it's about time you figured that out?" The grin on Alice's face grew impossibly wider. "You know what? You need to make a list of life goals."

"Will you stop treating me-"

"Bella, shut the fuck up and listen for once. Make a goddamned list. Write down what your goals were before Dexter and what your goals are now." She reached into her ostentatious Louis Vuitton bag and pulled out a notebook with Forks High School printed across the front cover. "Isabella Swan, you're getting a re-do."

I blinked at her a few times. "What?"

"Don't question me, just do it. Everyone wants a do over; you're getting one."

I took the notebook from her and opened it to the first page. There were several quotes scrawled on the first page in Alice's looping hand writing.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. (Especially Sandy Robinson.)" I read aloud. "Alice, that's priceless."

"What can I say? I expanded on Eleanor Roosevelt's wisdom," she said with a shrug.

Below that, she'd written _Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die tomorrow._ I looked up at her. "James Dean?"

She shrugged again. "Cute _and_ smart."

"So. I'm getting a do over?"

"Consider this your rebirth. Fuck yesterday and today, that doesn't matter anymore. All that matters is now. So what are you going to do to make tomorrow count?"

I hemmed and hawed until Alice got so frustrated with me that she launched into a speech.

"Bella," she said, laying a hand gently on my arm, "this might be hard to hear. I think you've lived your entire life inside a glass house. When we're born, our parents are meant to protect us and shield us. It's supposed to be their instinct. Your parents built a home for you that excluded the realities of life.

"The world is such a big place, and it's a damn shame that anyone would limit themselves because of another person, and unfortunately, you did. Your relationship with Dexter automatically made you the town princess. Think about it, honey. Did you ever think about moving out of Forks before Dexter got sick? Or were you content with thinking you'd get married, have kids, and die there, with him?

"Didn't you ever have dreams of the Eiffel Tower?"

I huffed. "We were going to honeymoon in Paris."

Alice smiled sadly at me. "Well what about you? You in Paris," she clarified when I raised an eyebrow in question.

"What about me?"

"Bella . . . didn't you have dreams of seeing the world? Going places? Meeting new folks who wear shirts that aren't made of plaid? Or aren't hoodies, in your case."

I chewed on my lower lip, feeling the acid in my stomach churning around. "I . . . No. Not at all."

"That's a damn shame," Alice scoffed.

"I thought of it after," I said quietly.

"After what?"

"After Edward and Rose moved to Forks and I overheard her telling the entire bar one night about a trip they took to London."

Alice rubbed my back soothingly. "You thought of traveling on your own, or you thought of traveling with Edward?"

"I don't know," I whispered. "Is that why?"

"Is what why?"

"Is that why he's with her?" I knew it was a stupid idea, but the thought that he might be interested in Maggie because he considered me a homebody who never wanted to go anywhere wouldn't leave my mind. We hadn't ever really talked about things like travel, at least not until lunch earlier.

"Bella!" Alice exclaimed. "It's not that simple! You're . . . you're trying to find something complex in something very simple. Edward is not with Maggie because of you, in spite of you, or to get rid of you. He's with her because it's what guys do. He's ready to move on with his life."

I threw myself back on the bed and covered my eyes with my arm. "I don't understand," I mumbled.

"This isn't about you, babycakes. I don't care how much you want to think it is. Edward . . . he's a smart, funny, warm, ridiculously good looking man who took a giant risk that didn't pay off. His relationship with Maggie isn't about him being vindictive toward you, it's about him being treated the way he deserves to be treated."

"So that's it then? He moves on and I'm stuck in this rut, having lost him and the ability to give a shit about anything or anyone else?"

"Well fuck you, too," Alice snapped. Her face softened a bit and she continued, "Besides, I'm not saying he doesn't have feelings for you. He's just trying to live. Maybe you should try to do the same."

"So are you saying I should start dating someone? I can't even think of anyone who-"

"I hate repeating myself," she sighed. "Remember what I said yesterday? You aren't a catch right now. So dating is a big fat negative. You need to fix you. Build Bella Swan. Stop being a child and act like the grown ass woman you claim to be.

"This is about experiencing life; learning, exploring, discovering. You get to relive your toddler years, darlin'." She stood and pulled a suitcase down from the closet. "This is what's gonna happen - I'm gonna pack and you are going to sit right there and write some goals in that shiny new notebook I just gave you."

Later that evening when Alice ran out to grab dinner for us, I toyed with the idea of calling Edward. I wanted to talk to him at least one more time before I left his city, where I was close to him and could conceivably see him if _he_ wanted to see me. He hadn't seemed like he'd be against me calling every once in a while, but I considered that calling tonight would be too soon.

Before I could think any more about it, I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed send.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Edward. It's me. Uh, Bella. I was going to leave . . . I'm leaving. Town. The city. Um, Chicago. I'm leaving Chicago in the morning," I rambled.

"Okay."

There were several moments of awkward silence before I blurted out, "I lied. Today, at lunch."

"Excuse me?"

"I hate her, Edward. She's everything . . . she's got you and I'm not really sure of what I want, but I don't want that. At the same time, I know you deserve to be happy. I've never . . . seen you like that. If she does that for you, then I can't really hate her because that would make me a bitch and-"

"Bella, don't." I heard him take several deep breaths. "I just want you to get better," he nearly whispered. "In spite of all the bullshit between us, Bella, you're one of the strongest, most intelligent, and beautiful women I know."

I heaved a sigh of relief. "It means so much to me to hear you say that. Um, Alice . . . she had me write down all these life goals tonight. Like what I want to accomplish and she's insisting I set deadlines. It's a little silly, but I feel a lot better about things. Talking with you really helped."

"That's great." He sounded genuinely happy for me, and I felt the corners of my mouth turn up in a slight smile. "Look, I don't want you out of my life completely. I know it seemed that way when I left Forks, but coming back here was something I had to do for myself. I'd love it if we could talk every couple of weeks or something. Just call me - or I'll call you - and we can catch up on what's going on in our lives."

"I'd like that."

###

The flight back to Seattle was mostly uneventful. Alice had had a glass or two too many of wine with dinner and our subsequent talk, so she slept the entire time.

I chose a relatively low key play list on my iPod and rested my head against the back of the seat. Several songs in, I was hit with a Miley Cyrus song. My eyes flew open and I stared at the tiny screen. According to it, the song playing should have been something by Joan Jett.

_Emmett_.

I scrolled past the song and fell back into a state of near unconsciousness. So Edward was happy. Not a bad thing, but I really loathed Maggie for all of the reasons I told him. She seemed perfect. She had her shit together, she had _him._ I hadn't lied to Alice or Edward when I said I didn't want him to move back to Forks, but I was sorely disappointed to see him with another woman.

Though I didn't want to admit it, Alice was right. Hell, _everyone_ was right. I needed to change me before I could even begin to focus on building a true friendship, let alone a relationship, with Edward.

I needed a new beginning.

###

Tanya's office was stuffy for April, which made me laugh to myself. The rain fell steadily outside the window and I stared at it for a long time before I finally spoke.

"I feel like a robot," I said just above a whisper, "and I've been programmed to think one specific way my entire life. I was always supposed to want the "American Dream" or whatever you call it. Marriage, two kids, a dog, white picket fence."

The only response was the sound of Tanya's pen scratching across the legal pad she took notes on. When I was silent for a bit too long, she cleared her throat and waved her hand in a motion that suggested I continue my thought.

"I'm really scared, Tanya. It's like . . . if I start to think outside the box now, somehow everything I've ever known and believed in will be altered."

"Everything meaning Dexter?" Tanya pressed.

"I'm just so afraid. What if I'm clinging to a mirage? What if everything we had, however beautiful and special it was, was too simple? What if I loved him because that's what I was programmed to do?"

"Bella," Tanya sighed. "If you're asking me to assess the depth of your feelings for Dexter . . . I'm afraid I can't do that. However, I believe he loved you and you loved him, very much. Your love sprang from a place of youth and innocence. Those things are always pure in their intentions and always everlasting. Nearly everyone remembers, and still cares for, their first love. Perhaps your real fear is growing up and striking out on your own."

I snorted. "I've grown up. I had a great childhood. My parents-"

"Will be dealt with later, after you can get through these issues you have with fear and feeling guilty because that's how people expect you to feel for wanting to move on."

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and chewed on my lower lip. "I don't know."

"I'd like you to consider the period of time before Dexter's diagnosis. That last year of high school when you two _finally_ started dating, much to the elation of the entire town. Where were you? What were your thoughts? My assumption is that you were experiencing a lot of the same anxiety you are now, because you were nearly at a literal fork in the road. Then, as now, your automatic response was to retreat, to run away from people whose opinion was different than yours.

"Did you only lean on Dexter and Emmett or did you have other friends?"

"I had a few friends. I was close with Angela then. Rosalie and I were in the same social circle, but we were never close. I was closer to her brother than her back then, and now I'm closer to his wife than either of them," I shrugged. "She's actually been helpful."

"Oh?" Tanya's eyebrows were nearly flush with her hairline.

"She's a counselor at the high school, you know? And she went to Chicago with me. She actually . . . she knew about Edward being involved with someone, and she didn't tell me. She told me she thought going to Chicago was a bad idea, but she never said outright I shouldn't go and she still went with me.

"She let me make mistakes, and I never thought I'd appreciate that."

"You're used to the people closest to you protecting you from the ugliness in the world."

"Yeah. So anyway, she let me do all this stuff she knew would probably hurt me. And after I saw him on the street, and saw him with Frankenblonde-"

"Frankenblonde?" Tanya could barely contain her chuckle. "I assume she has an actual name?"

"It's Maggie," I huffed. "After I saw him with Maggie, I tried to ream Alice out. She was supposed to be my friend, how could she let me just _see_ him with someone else? I accused her of not caring and she told me she thought she was the only friend I have. I think she might be right."

"I think so, too. She's not afraid to let you fail, which isn't something you've had much experience with."

I shrugged. "After I had lunch with Edward - which was probably the most awkward encounter we've ever had, and I'm including catching him staring at my tits - I went back to the hotel and when I told her how awkward it was, she never held back at telling me how much she knew it sucked.

"And then she handed me this Forks High School notebook and demanded I write down my life's goals. She'd written a couple of really good quotes in it and she insisted that I set a time line for some of those goals."

"What the hell are you paying me for?" Tanya laughed.

"I've asked myself that question more than once since I started seeing you," I giggled.

"In all seriousness, Bella I think Alice is a good friend for you. Girl's not afraid to pull her punches and you need that more than you realize right now. You don't need to be coddled and to have people fawning over whether or not you're moving on the right way, or in the right time frame. Let me ask you this - does Alice think you're moving on too quickly?"

"God, no. She thinks I shouldn't have been so reserved with Edward when he lived here and really seemed like he wanted to pursue a relationship with me. She's also epically pissed off over the way I treated him, and she appears to be on Team Maggie right now."

"I think _I'm_ on Team Maggie. You have a lot of work to do on yourself before you can drag someone else into your chaos. Did you have any other interactions with him while you were away, or was it just those two - running into him at the coffee shop and lunch?"

"We talked on the phone the night before I left."

"How did that go for you?"

"I told him I lied when I said I was happy for him at lunch, for being with Maggie. I'm just - is jealous the right word to use here?"

"Are you jealous of Maggie?"

"I envy her. She's really got herself together. She's got a good job from what I can tell, and she has Edward. Am I unhappy about that? Yes. But I'm not stupid enough to think he'd want to be with me at this point. I really screwed up with him, Tanya."

"Yes, you did. So what are you going to do about it?"

"I guess I need to figure that out."

I'd been home for a little over two weeks when I decided to call Edward just to chat with him.

I dialed his cell number from the office of The Last Call, hoping to catch him before he started his Friday night.

I had more butterflies in my stomach than I'd had when I'd called him in Chicago, and I wondered if that was because I'd spent so much time in the past two weeks writing. I found that writing really helped - I got out all of the frustrations I was feeling about Sandy and the rest of the town, I wrote about the way Rosalie treated me and how I thought Emmett must have said something to her, because she'd backed off some, and things I was doing to help myself move on from Dexter.

The one thing I hadn't done was seriously look into moving out of Forks. For whatever reason, I couldn't stomach the idea of leaving town. I didn't know whether it was because I didn't want to leave the place where I could feel close to Dexter, despite the fact that I'd not been to the cemetery since the anniversary of his death, or if I didn't want to leave because it was a place where I could feel close to Edward.

I was shocked when a female voice answered his phone. "Hello?"

"Hi, can I please speak with Edward?" I asked nervously.

"He just jumped in the shower. Can I tell him who called? There wasn't any kind of entry in his phone for this number."

Of course there wouldn't be an entry for the bar in his phone; he'd always just called or texted my cell to let me know when he was coming in. "It's Bella," I muttered. "Can you please tell him Bella called just to say hi?"

"Sure, no problem. I'll definitely let him know. Bye!"

The line went dead before I could say goodbye, and my heart sunk when I realized I'd just spoken to Frankenblonde.

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	16. Wicked Game

**Katie & Trin are fantabulous. Love them – they take time out of their busy schedules to beta this for me. **

**Bernstein – Viva La Revolución!**

**I don't own Twilight, its characters, or anything else that is publicly recognizable. Dexter, his family, and these words are mine. Please don't steal.**

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Strange what desire will make foolish people do.  
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you.  
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you.  
No, I don't want to fall in love.  
-_Wicked Game, _Chris Isaak

The sun was just starting to set when I finally looked up from the book I was reading and smiled at Maggie, who'd fallen asleep with her head in my lap.

"Maggie," I said, shaking her gently. "Babe, I'm going to hop in the shower before dinner. Can you grab my phone if it rings? I'm waiting on a call from my boss about a project, and my voicemail's been acting funny."

"Sure," she mumbled sleepily. "I can do that for you." She leaned up far enough for me to slide out from underneath her, and her head flopped back onto the couch. She was snoring softly again by the time I'd taken three steps toward the bathroom.

The shower took a bit longer than I'd anticipated because I stood under the spray for a few extra minutes trying to get a weird kink out of my neck. I reached for a towel and was met with the cold, hard towel rack. Shit.

I thought about calling for Maggie, but if she was still sleeping, I didn't want to wake her. The linen closet was just outside the bathroom door, so I figured I could make a mad dash across the bathroom and get the towel without _completely_ freezing my balls off.

My hand was on the door knob when I heard Maggie. "Sure, no problem. I'll definitely let him know. Bye!"

"Hey, Babe?" I called.

"Yeah?"

"Can you do me a favor? I forgot to grab a towel."

"Sure." A few seconds later, she stuck her hand through the door and handed me a towel. "I grabbed your phone like you asked. Someone named Bella called."

After I'd grabbed the towel from her, I reached out to capture her wrist. "Come in and talk to me while I get ready."

She giggled and stepped through the door just as I started toweling my hair off. I caught her eyes slowly moving down my body and smirked at her. "Are you ogling me, Miss Shannon?"

"You'd ogle, too, if you were seeing what I'm looking at right now," she grinned. "Trust me."

"So, who'd you say called?"

"Bella? There wasn't any kind of caller ID, just a number."

I wasn't sure how to react. It'd been a few weeks since I'd talked to Bella, and I had actually been planning to call her at some point in the next few days. And, there was the obvious – Maggie had no idea who Bella was or what she'd meant to me.

"Oh, okay," I said after a moment. "I'll give her a call back after dinner. Do you have my-"

My breath caught in my throat when Maggie gave me an evil wink and dropped to her knees in front of me.

"What . . . what are you doing?" I choked out.

She only smirked at me before her tongue darted out and licked the head of my cock. "Oh God, Maggie," I groaned.

Her mouth wrapped around me and my head hit the wall behind me with a bang. This was one thing Jake and I could agree on – there was nothing like getting head from a beautiful woman. All other thoughts left my mind and I just felt the things Maggie was doing to me with her lips, tongue, and teeth.

The sensation was overwhelming. Her mouth was hot and wet around me, and she was always so _amazing_ at what she was doing. Within moments, I felt a tightening in my stomach and gently tugged her up by her shoulders.

I pressed my mouth to hers, our tongues immediately finding each other and our teeth crashing together from the force of the kiss. I pulled away from her slightly and smiled down at her. "You do realize I'm going to need another shower after this, right? And I've never been so glad to see you wearing a skirt," I said as my hand slid up her thigh and tugged the piece of lace under the skirt down.

She pressed wet, open mouthed kisses along my jaw to my ear and whispered, "I was determined to get my way when I got dressed this morning. Looks like it's working out for me."

My hands slid around to cup her ass and I lifted her, settling her down on the counter. She gathered her skirt around her waist and opened her legs so I could step between them. Our mouths met again as I slid into her.

She let out a strangled moan and pressed her hips against mine. "So good."

The bathroom fell silent save for the sound of skin slapping against skin and moans. The mirror, which had fogged up during my shower and had started to clear after Maggie'd brought me the towel, was rapidly fogging again. Maggie's head was buried in the crook of my neck and she pressed sporadic kisses there between breathy moans.

The tightening built in my stomach again. I knew I wasn't going to last much longer, so I reached down between us and found the spot just above where our bodies were coming together, circling my fingers against her.

The cacophony of sounds in the bathroom grew louder and Maggie's release came seconds before my own. We stilled, foreheads pressed together, our chests heaving as we breathed against each other.

"So," Maggie said, breaking the silence, "do you want to start the shower, or should I?"

I stepped away from her and reached behind me to twist the water on in the shower. "I've got this. You go grab a few extra towels."

She hopped down from the counter and was back in the bathroom in a flash, her shirt pulled over her head and her skirt in a puddle on the floor. "You better not hog all the hot water, Cullen," she said as she pulled the shower curtain aside and stepped in.

###

The next evening my fraternity brother Liam had an engagement party. He was thrilled to find out Maggie was coming as my "plus one" because they'd been close in college, but had lost contact after he moved away from Chicago.

Jake was there with Leah, which was surprising – she didn't like to leave the girls, but said she'd made an exception for tonight. The drinks were flowing, Maggie and Leah were getting along really well, and I was having a great time when Jake dropped a bomb I wasn't expecting.

"Check it out, man," he said, gesturing with his drink. "Chick looks like a stage five clinger, just like your girl Bella."

My eyes went wide and I shook my head in an attempt to get him to shut the fuck up. He didn't.

"That girl was a mess," he chuckled, his mouth full of food.

"Bella?" Maggie quirked an eyebrow at me. "Bella from last night?"

"Yeah," I said, scratching the back of my neck. "Same girl."

Maggie grew quiet and a dark look crossed her face.

"Maggie, I _love_ your shoes," Leah said quickly. "Are they Manolo?"

"Jimmy Choo," Maggie said distractedly. "I think I'm going to go grab a drink."

Leah turned on Jake and snapped, "Jake, haven't you ever heard of guy code?"

"Seriously, Jake. You used to live and die by guy code," I huffed.

"You're a fucking idiot ninety-nine percent of the time, you know that? You're like a goddamn woman. Look what you did, you dumb son of a bitch." Leah smacked Jake in the back of the head. "I'm going to go see if I can find Maggie."

"Dude, I forgot. I'm surrounded by chicks all the time. Although makeup sex might help. In a way, I did you a favor. Otherwise you'd never get your dick wet."

"Why the hell are we even friends?"

"Because without me, you'd just be another disgruntled emo pretty boy with a permanent hard on. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go play nice so at least one of us can get laid tonight."

Maggie stayed away from me the rest of the night, forcing me to watch her from across the room. We were surrounded by old friends, and it infuriated me to see her being genuinely happy when she was so obviously angry with me. Maggie's smile gave her away; it never reached her eyes when she was faking it, but as I watched her flit from group to group, laughing and talking, I knew it wasn't fake. She was having a good time, and she wasn't afraid to show it.

When the party was wrapping up, I told Liam and his fiancé, Bree, congratulations one more time and went to gather my jacket and Maggie's wrap. As I approached her where she stood with Leah, her face flattened into a stoic look of indifference. She turned slightly so I could put the wrap around her shoulders, thanked Leah for the conversation, and stepped away from me without looking back.

"So, who is she?"

"She's a girl I met when I was living in Washington."

"Why didn't you tell me about her?" Maggie asked quietly.

"I didn't . . . it's not that big of a deal, Babe. I just didn't."

"She's the reason you stayed after you and Rose broke up, isn't she?"

I nodded in defeat.

"You thought you couldn't tell me about her? What the hell, Edward? You have a past. I have a past. I can handle your past, but only if you tell me about it."

"She's not important to me."

"She's important enough that she's calling you and you're saying you'll call her back."

"We're friends, Maggie, that's all."

"Whatever."

I stopped in the middle of the street, grabbing her by the wrist and twirling her around to face me. "Are you going to talk to me, or are you going to play this stupid girl game?"

Her hazel eyes flashed with anger. "You need to stop listening to Jake. I'm not playing a game, Edward. I'm serious. This piece of information is pretty huge, you know? She's the reason you stayed in Washington. How could you _not_ tell me about it? And what's more, how did you avoid talking about her for so long if you two are friends?"

"We didn't speak for a long time after I left. Do you remember when we had coffee that one morning and you asked me who the woman I was staring at was?"

She nodded.

"That was the first time I saw Bella after I left Forks. She came to talk to me because I'd refused to answer her texts and calls. We had lunch together the next day."

"Edward, that was weeks ago. You're just now telling me about this? What the hell is wrong with you? And you told me she was 'no one!' You know, that was an immature, cowardly, shitty thing to do to me _and_ to her.

"It's called respect, Edward. Respect me enough to say, 'Oh, hey Maggie, there's this girl who just happened to come all the way across the country . . . and she's my whathefuckever from Washington.' Respect Bella enough _not_ to call her 'no one' when someone asks who she is."

"I . . . Maggie, I'm sorry. I can't say much aside from that. I just didn't want to hurt you. I'm sorry you're angry with me."

"I am angry," she confirmed. "I'm angry you didn't think I could handle this. Edward, I'm a grown woman. I told youeverything about Randall. _Everything._I trusted you to be able to listen to what I said and deal with it like the man I thought you were.

"I'm pissed that you thought I couldn't handle this bit of information. What, you thought I'd go crazy when I found out you have someone besides Rosalie in your past?We're adults Edward. We have lives and careers . . . adults don't have to hide or lie by omission."

"I didn't tell you because it's baggage and-"

"Are you fucking serious? What adult do you know who doesn't have baggage?"

"I don't know, but-"

"But, nothing! Relationships are built on trust, Sweetheart. How dare you not trust me with this?"

"I-"

"You know what? When you decide that you want to be a motherfucking man, let me know. Because I stopped dating boys in high school. I'm staying at my place tonight," she snapped.

When her cab arrived, I opened the door for her, and shoved money in the hand of the driver. After she'd been driven away, I walked the last few blocks to my apartment. I should have been upset. Instead, I was sporting the biggest hard on I'd ever had.

The phone rang shortly after I got home.

"What?" I growled.

"The fact that you're answering your phone right now tells me that you were denied entrance to Maggieland tonight," Jake teased.

"Not now, Jake," I sighed.

"I'll see you at breakfast in the morning. Don't bail on me. I won't appreciate it."

###

"I can't believe you didn't hit that shit out of the park last night, dude. As a guy, I'm ashamed for you. I was expecting you to show up this morning with claw marks or some shit. You know those Irish chicks are feisty. Rawr." Jake grinned widely and shoved a piece of toast in his mouth – white toast, because apparently white flour was forbidden in his house.

"Me? What about you?" I scoffed.

He leaned back in his seat and put his hands behind his head. Smirking, he said, "I refuse to discuss my post coital bliss with anyone."

"Translation: Leah said that if you shared one more thing about your sex life after Anal-Gate 2005 she'd cut you off?"

"That was because you and that fucktarded son of a bitch Garrett couldn't keep your damn mouths shut. Leah went all Kate Gosselin on me after that."

I snickered into my coffee. "I'm going to tell her you said that."

"It's true. You were around when she had the reverse mullet cockatoo haircut. I didn't know whether to have a sex change or call a divorce lawyer."

"That haircut was awful," I laughed.

We ate quietly for a few minutes before Jake finally asked what'd happened after the party.

"She's pissed, Jake. Really, really pissed. She wanted to know why I didn't tell her sooner. How do I explain that I didn't want to deal with it, or burden her with that part of my past?"

Jake chewed on a piece of bacon – also outlawed in his house – thoughtfully. "Look, I'm your wingman for life, Bro. However I'm going to have to side with Magpie on this one. She's a strong woman. She's not Ellie Mae that you left in the land that time forgot. You have _got_to step up. That shit you had back there, and even with that she-devil Rosalie, was juvenile at best.

"You're dealing with a woman who doesn't need you, but wants you anyway. Women like Maggie . . . they demand more. They know what they want. They don't play games, kid."

"Okay?"

He sighed and scrubbed a hand over his eyes. "I hate this male bonding bullshit, but I'm doing this because you're like my kid brother. That Bella . . . she was a pain, but she was easy. She let you stay in that in between phase of boy and man. Maggie isn't going to let you do that. You shouldn't _want_ to do that."

"I'm not saying settle down. Marriage is hard as fuck, but I love my wife. My kids . . . well; I don't belong to the NRA because I'm like big tobacco and pretending to be a tough son of a bitch. Point is, what I love about being married is that I have expectations. I have people who demand that I do better, _be_ better.

"Let Maggie be that for you. In the long run, you'll appreciate it." He flopped back in his seat and yawned. "And I'm spent."

I mulled over what Jake had just said. In a lot of ways, he was right. Despite all of the frustration Bella had put me through, she'd let me flounder along, working from the apartment I'd rented in her building – just to be closer to her – and hadn't ever asked me to better myself. Since I'd moved back to Chicago and started dating Maggie, I'd done more with my career than I ever would have done if I'd stayed in Forks. Being with Bella would have left me complacent and bored; being with Maggie was a challenge every single day.

"One last thing," Jake said as we were settling up the bill and getting ready to leave. "Bella's gotta grow up. To quote the fuckawesome band Journey, she's just a small town girl. The age difference between you two definitely means something."

###

"Hey, it's Bella. I'm not here; leave a message and I'll get back to you."

"Hi Bella, it's me. Edward. I was just returning your call-"

"Edward?" Bella sounded out of breath, but excited.

"Hey." Even I could hear the smile in my voice. "How are you?"

"I'm good, just got back from working lunch. I'm so glad I caught you. How are you doing?"

I pondered my answer. I could lie and tell her I was great. I could say I was fine. The truth was that I was not great, or fine. I was hanging on by a thread at best.

"I'm hanging in there," I finally said.

"Good to hear. Things are going well here, too. Ben quit a few weeks back and I took over his job. It's been insane."

"Oh, congrats. How's Emmett?"

"Wrapped up in Rosalie." She laughed, and then quickly grew quiet. "I'm sorry, Edward. You probably don't want to hear about that. So who was the bratty girl who answered your phone the other day?"

I took a deep breath to calm myself down, because there was no way this conversation was going to remain awkward at best if we started talking about Maggie. "Who answers my phone isn't any of your business, Bella. And her name is Maggie."

"Oh."

"I'm trying, Bella. I'm really trying to be your friend."

"I know, Edward. It's just . . . I was taken by surprise when she-of-little-clothing answered your phone, okay? She could be this awesome chick for all I know. I just don't appreciate her answering your phone."

The realization hit me like a ton of bricks. "I know you still care about me," I said quietly. "I still care about you, too, but we aren't going to work right now, Bella. I'm just trying so hard to be your friend."

"What about Frankenblonde?" She gasped as soon as the words left her mouth and I thought I heard her mumble "shit" under her breath.

"I'm sorry," she said quickly. "I'm sorry, okay? This is hard for me, too, Edward. I've never-"

"Not been the girl? That's life, Bella. You won't always be the one being chased."

"Are you saying . . . have you picked _her_, Edward?"

I sighed heavily. "I don't really know. She's not happy with me right now. Apparently neglecting to tell her who you were the day I saw you outside of that coffee shop was a deal breaker for her."

Bella snorted and laughed angrily. "Serves you right."

"Yeah. It does," I muttered.

* * *

**Team Maggie (fragilehuman, venis_envy, and buzzkill34 on twitter) has graciously agreed to take the heat you've all got for me for the first part of this chapter. ;-)**

**Twi thread is here:http : // bit (dot) ly / 9JpJCO Come on over and talk about the story with other fans.**


	17. A Sharp is a Flat

**I was really impatient to get this to everyone, so I initially posted without sending it to beta. Katie's since looked at it. Thank you, K. **

**Bernstein, the World Cup Widow, has an inspirational quote she'd like to share with you: You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do. - Eleanor Roosevelt**

**I don't own Twilight, its characters, or anything else that is publicly recognizable. Dexter, his family, and these words are mine. Please don't steal.**

I'm sick of everything that has to do with me.  
Comfort in things with no responsibility.  
Should I wait to say goodbye?  
This is not an option now;  
this is how it's got to be.  
-_A Sharp is a Flat_, Punchline

"It's not as though I have a reason to be jealous," I snorted.

Tanya tilted her head at me and sighed. "You're right. He pursued you for months and you strung him along, Bella. Now that he's happy, you're jealous of Maggie? It just doesn't make sense."

I glared at the floor, angry and confused about the truth in her words.

"You've got no reason to feel jealousy, because you're not in any kind of position – physically or emotionally – to even consider yourself ready for a romantic relationship," she continued. "You have to work on you."

* * *

I walked out of Tanya's office feeling defeated, overwhelmingly exhausted, and determined to _do_ something.

What that something was, I didn't know.

My eyes squeezed shut as I massaged my temples with one hand. When I opened them again, I was staring at the office next to Tanya's.

It had been there for years. I'd passed it so frequently that it had faded into the background and had I not opened my eyes and looked directly at it, it probably would have gone unnoticed by me on this day, too.

Two hours later, I walked back out of the office with a bag full of information about backpacking around Europe and a ticket to Paris.

I nearly dropped everything all over the sidewalk when my phone rang, startling me out of the daze I was in.

"Hey Al. How are you?" I asked, glancing at the caller ID just before I answered the call.

"Honey, are you okay? You're out of breath."

"I'm fine. Just came out of the travel agent's office. I bought a ticket to Paris. I'm going backpacking around Europe."

"You did what?" she shrieked.

"I'm leaving in three weeks. I'm sure Tanya will have a field day with this, but I'm sick of sitting around doing nothing. I want to do something with my life. I figure three weeks is enough time to get my stuff at the bar covered, and maybe find someone to take over my lease."

"Meet me in Port Angeles in two hours."

Alice hung up before I could protest so I walked home, dumped the bag of information on the couch, and called my landlord to discuss whether I would be allowed to have someone else take over the lease while I was out of the country.

"How long will you be gone?" James asked.

"It's an open ticket, so I'm not sure. I guess it depends on how the trip goes?"

He heaved a sigh and begrudgingly agreed to my request. The next thing on the impromptu list I'd written on an old bar napkin while talking to James was to actually find someone who wanted to move into my tiny apartment.

Angela was near the top of that list, so I called her first. I told her what was going on after asking her to keep it quiet until I talked to Ben myself, and was thrilled when she agreed to take the apartment for at least two months. If I came back before that, she'd let me crash on my couch.

Next - tell my parents.

* * *

I hated to reschedule with Alice, but when I told her why I'd need to meet her in Port Angeles the next day instead of in a few hours, she understood.

Whatever possessed me to think telling my parents about my plans when there were knives and other sharp objects around . . . Well, I obviously wasn't thinking.

"Mom? Dad? I'm going to Europe."

Mom dropped her fork and Dad just stared at me for a solid two minutes before clearing his throat.

"Have you lost your fucking mind?" Renee snapped.

"No, I haven't. I'm going backpacking. I need to do something to clear my head," I told her. "I need to get the hell out of Forks before this town bleeds me dry."

"So you're going to go traipsing around another continent like a damned hobo?"

"I don't expect you to understand why I need this."

"Well I don't. I have no idea what's gotten into you, but you are acting _nothing_ like the daughter I raised."

"How the hell would you know what I act like? All you see is a girl who did your bidding for entirely too long. I'm not a puppet, Renee. I'm tired of living for you and this goddamned town. It's my turn to learn who I really am. Deal with it."

She snorted and opened her mouth to speak again. "Isabella Marie-"

"Shut up, Renee."

For the first time in forever, I felt like I was on the same page as my mother when we both turned toward Charlie with matching shocked expressions.

"Excuse me?"

"I said, shut up. If this is what Bella needs to do to get her life back on track, then you're going to let her do it without any commentary. Be her mother for once and support her."

I couldn't help it – I started sobbing because finally, finally, _finally_ someone was standing up for me. Someone not Emmett, not me, not even Edward. "Thank you, Dad," I choked out.

* * *

"I don't want to get a smart phone, Alice. I don't know if I'll even get reception where I'm going, and I sure as fuck don't want to pay for an international data plan."

"We'll take it," Alice told the man behind the counter as she slapped her credit card down. "Don't you listen to a word she says, honey. She wants the phone and you just put that bill on this card."

"Alice, you can't-"

"I can, and I will. Bella, this is the biggest thing you've ever done. I can understand not wanting to pay for the plan while you're gone. So you cancel the international data plan when you get home and switch the bill to one of your cards. I won't have you in Europe without any way to tell me all about what you're doing. I expect you to e-mail me, and often," she said.

In the months since we'd become friends, I'd learned not to argue with Alice when she was determined, and right now she was determined. "What will Jasper say?"

"Jasper wouldn't know what a credit card statement looked like if it bit him on the ass. Don't worry your pretty little head. Do you have a good backpack?"

* * *

"Thank you for doing this, Emmett."

He scoffed at me. "Are you kidding? This is win, win for me. I've been trying to figure out how to get to Seattle to see Rosalie for weeks. Shit, sorry."

"What the hell are you apologizing for? You're being honest. You're being you. So . . . because you're honest, do you think this is a good idea? Because Alice is going to tell me what a great idea it is until she's blue in the face, but I don't know that I believe her."

He was quiet for several moments before answering. "You know Ro hates Alice? The reason she hates her, other than her clothes, is because Alice is fearless. She's giving you back something I think you lost . . . or hell, maybe we robbed you of it.

"When Dexter . . . when he died, I realized something he'd said to me a long time ago. When he was thinking about you two . . . He said that he was afraid of you losing your spark. He never wanted that to die."

He took several deep breaths before continuing, "This town, these people – even the ones who claim to love you unconditionally – can be stuck in an inescapable rut. I'm not knocking the place; I'm just saying I knew when we were kids that you were destined for more. Dex knew it, too. He knew that you were meant for so much more than life in Forks, and it ate him up inside thinking of what you were giving up."

"I . . . I never . . ."

"Don't you dare regret loving him. The only regret I'll allow is if you don't do this for yourself. That spark has got to come back, Bells. You're better than the entire town is making you out to be. You need to be the girl I met in preschool, the one who stole Dexter's heart when he was only three days old."

Though I cried at Emmett's revelation, the rest of the drive was a pleasant one. We talked about his new relationship with Rosalie, and I teased him mercilessly about finally getting 'the one that got away.'

He dropped me off at International Departures at the airport three hours before my flight was scheduled to leave, and I checked in. There wasn't much to do after I went through security, so I grabbed a few magazines, some snacks, and a book for the flight and plopped down in an uncomfortable chair to wait for my boarding time.

Time went much more quickly than I anticipated, and before I knew it, they were calling final boarding. I stood up from my seat, took a deep breath, and headed toward what I hoped would be the best – and most enlightening – experience of my life.

**I know this is shorter than most of my recent updates. Please trust me.**

**Video (sorry about the audio quality) of A Sharp is a Flat can be found here: bit(dot) ly / 9LQchF**


	18. Breakaway

**See why I asked you to trust me? The formatting of this chapter is a little weird because it's all e-mails. **

**Another quote from Bernstein: "The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it." Roseanne Barr**

**I don't own Twilight, its characters, or anything else that is publicly recognizable. Dexter, his family, and these words are mine. Please don't steal.  
**

* * *

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.  
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.  
Make a wish, take a chance,  
Make a change, and break away.  
Out of the darkness and into the sun.  
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.  
I'll take a risk, take a chance,  
Make a change, and break away.

-_Breakaway,_ Kelly Clarkson

from bellaswan(at)gmail(dot)com  
to edwardcullen(at)gmail(dot)com  
subject You'll never guess where i am

Hi Edward,

I'm really excited to be writing this email to you.  
I'm in paris. My mom threw a fit about it, but you know what? I dont care. At all.  
I'm having the best time. Ive already been to the louvre, and I'm looking forward to going to the eiffel tower tomorrow.  
I don't know what time it is there because I havent bothered to check since I got on the plane, but I hope this doesnt set off your phone and wake you up or anything.

Best,  
bella

Sent from the stupid blackberry alice made me get before i left for france

###

from bellaswan(at)gmail(dot)com  
to alicewhitlock(at)qvschools(dot)org  
subject I'm having the best time.

Alice,

I wanted to thank you for encouraging me to stand up to Renee about coming here.  
This is the best trip I've ever taken and im grateful you were kind of the catalyst that forced me into actually doing it, you know?  
The mona Lisa is amazing up close. It took everything in my power for me to not go searching for writing on it ala the davinci code, though.  
STFU, it was hilarious to me at the time.  
I'm also minorly disappointed that I didn't see a guy dressed up like a human robot outside. It would have been cool to see a battle like they had in Euro trip.  
More later, when I can actually focus on all of the amazing things ive seen since I got here.

Ps - I emailed Edward. Havent heard back tho.

Best,  
bella

Sent from the stupid blackberry alice made me get before i left for france

###

From alicewhitlock(at)qvschools(dot)org  
To Bella Swan  
Subject: RE I'm having the best time.

It's great to hear you're having such a great time, but honey, you've only been there two days. And what the heck were you thinking, e-mailing Edward? I hope you hear back from him soon, but I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you.

In the interest of being your friend, I feel like I should tell you the town gossip. I can't do it from here, so please expect an e-mail from my personal account in the next few hours, or at least day, depending on when Jasper gets home from work tonight.

Alice Brandon-Whitlock  
Counselor  
Forks High School  
411 South Spartan Avenue  
Forks, WA 98331

###

From maryaliceb(at)hotmail(dot)com  
To bellaswan(at)gmail(dot)com  
Subject What the hell were you thinking?

Really Bella, I have to ask again what you were thinking when you sent that e-mail to Edward. Honey, really. Didn't you have a hard enough time when he called you the other week? I know you were upset when Maggie answered his phone, but you probably should have been nicer to him when he actually called you back.

Jasper says Edward says Maggie's barely speaking to him. Get this - it's not because you called and she answered. It's because she's furious with him over not telling her about you, and apparently he said something bad/weird/whatever when he first saw you that day at the cafe when we were in Chicago. Jas won't tell me what Edward said, so I guess it's not for public consumption if you know what I mean.

Renee's got the entire town in a tizzy about how you've gone galavanting off to France without even thinking about it. Sandy is . . . well, a lady can't say what I think of her right now, and I'm a lady, goddamnit.

I'm glad you've had a good time since you got there, but remember what this trip is about, Bella. You're there to live out the dream you had of seeing Paris. You're also there to buy me something beautiful, but we won't talk about that right now. Do what you need to do, but don't forget the purpose.

And for God's sake, don't e-mail Edward again unless you hear from him _first_.

-Alice

###

from bellaswan(at)gmail(dot)com  
to maryaliceb(at)hotmail(dot)com  
subject RE What the hell were you thinking?

to be honest, I don't know what I was thinking emailing Edward.  
It just seemed like the thing to do at the time.  
Keep me up to date on the dramz going on in Forks.  
I'm off to enjoy this city some more.  
I haven't forgotten why I came here.

Best,  
bella

Sent from the stupid blackberry alice made me get before i left for france

###

I finished typing the short message to Alice and flopped back on the incredibly comfortable bed after I pressed send.

I didn't care what anyone thought, I was so happy to be in Paris.

Alice was right, though. I'd made the last minute decision to travel to Paris because I felt like I needed to get the hell out of Forks for a while, and I really didn't want to move, even though I knew it was technically the best option.

I dozed for a bit with a soap opera entirely in French on as background noise and jerked awake when my phone vibrated in my hand. Because I was half awake, I didn't pay attention to who the e-mail was from.

to bellaswan(at)gmail(dot)com  
from edwardcullen(at)gmail(dot)com  
subject RE: You'll never guess where i am

You were completely right - I wouldn't have ever guessed you were in Paris. Sounds like you're having a great time over there.

Didn't wake me with the e-mail, but thanks for the concern.

Tell me what you liked best about the Louvre. I haven't been there in years. Rose didn't want to go, so we skipped it when we visited Paris and London a few years ago.

Things here are . . . well they're okay, I guess. Work is work. Maggie's still annoyed with me and to be quite honest it's plucking at my nerves.

Shit Bella, I don't know why I'm telling you this. I should just delete the last few sentences and go about my merry way, but we're supposed to be friends, right? Who can I vent to if I can't vent to my friends? I would tell Jake this stuff - have I told you about Jake? - but he's so far up Maggie's ass that I don't know whether he'd be excited about me fighting with her (apparently make up sex is "fucking awesome") or he'd just give me some lecture on why I should just fess up to all my transgressions and take whatever heat she's going to give me.

I'm going to stop now, before I end up saying more than I should.

XOXO,  
Edward

###

from bellaswan(at)gmail(dot)com  
to edwardcullen(at)gmail(dot)com  
subject RE: You'll never guess where i am

E -

I've officially been to the Louvre 3 days in a row, and its taken me until now to realize my favorite thing there is the giant pyramid.  
There's also this little cafe I've been spending a lot of time in. Its a great place to people watch and just think about everything. The people here are just so open about things. If they're grieving, you can tell. If they're in love, you can tell. And something about this city makes me feel like I'm ready to fall in love again.  
I've been here four days, and it seems like I've been gone much longer. Maybe its because I've been so far removed from whatever's going on in Forks for so long. I don't know. Im trying so hard to distance myself from the bullshit going on in that town. My mom freaked when I told her I was going backpacking through Europe, because she's convinced this is the worst idea I've ever had. Unsurprising, really. And Alice won't tell me what Sandy is saying about me back in Forks. I dont think I really care, but it'd be interesting to hear what she's saying about the hussy who ruined her son and isn't grieving correctly.  
Sorry to hear about Maggie being annoyed with you. I really hope its nothing I said or did. And, from my experience, make up sex can be pretty good. Not that I've had any kind of sex recently. I don't know if I can be a proper judge or anything.  
You haven't told me about Jake, but Emmett may have mentioned him in passing. Big guy, kind of beefcake looking? Em didn't sound impressed after their interaction. Then again, it takes a fuckton to impress Emmett.  
I'm going to go people watch and maybe write in the journal I found conveniently stashed in my backpack.

Best,  
bella

Sent from the stupid blackberry alice made me get before i left for france

###

from edwardcullen(at)gmail(dot)com  
to bellaswan(at)gmail(dot)com  
subject RE: You'll never guess where i am

I'm so glad to hear you're having a good time, Bella. It seems like since you're finally away from Forks, you can clear your head and think of you. Is that the purpose of this trip?

Nothing you've done or said is behind what's going on with Maggie. As for the make up sex, I just don't feel much like doing it any more. For me, it's all about being attracted to the person I'm with and she's just not a very attractive person right now.

Everyone I've known who's spent a great deal of time in Paris says the city makes them feel very much like falling in love. Maybe that's the problem with me - I know I've fallen in love again. And this girl . . . she's so much stronger than she realizes. She's absolutely radiant when she's not even trying to be. She fights hard for what she believes in, she doesn't let me get away with anything, and she's just . . . I can't even describe her very accurately. I miss her every single second I'm away from her and I think about her all the time.

But enough about me. I hope writing is helping. And I hope you come back from this trip even stronger than you were before you left. I know this is something you need, and I'm so proud of you for just doing it, despite whatever your mother said to you when you told her and what Sandy may be saying about you now that you're gone. Neither of them is you, neither knows exactly what you've been through in the last year and a half. Sure, they may have an idea because they both knew and loved Dexter, but they didn't know and love him the exact way you did. I hope that doesn't sound too asinine of me.

I feel like I owe you an apology for the way I treated you when you came to Chicago. It was wrong to look straight at you when I saw you outside of the cafe and not acknowledge you. I hope you can forgive me for that, and for how rude I was to you at lunch.

I have to run; I've got a huge meeting coming up. Please stay safe and drop me a line every now and then to let me know how you're enjoying your trip.

XOXO,  
Edward

###

from bellaswan(at)gmail(dot)com  
to edwardcullen(at)gmail(dot)com  
subject Quick answer

E -

Purpose of this trip is to think of me. You hit the nail on the head.  
Sorry this is so short, but Im not getting very good reception where I am.  
Hope to email you again soon.

Best,  
bella

PS - the girl you're in love with sounds great. And I gather her name isn't Maggie. I'm sorry. It must suck to be trapped in a relationship you're not that interested in.

Sent from the stupid blackberry alice made me get before i left for france

###

The rest of my trip was amazing. I saw and did things I never thought I'd see or do in my life. I took the tube in London and just got lost. I crossed Abbey Road just like the Beatles. I saw Picasso paintings, ate paella, and learned to dance in Spain, visited ancient ruins in Greece and bought sandals. Spent time in Italy, enjoyed the Piazza, the people, and the Coliseum. I went to Amsterdam where I smoked weed for the first time and visited the home of Anne Frank, and belly danced in Turkey.

I'd left in late May and got back to Forks in August, just before classes started up again at the school I'd attended in Port Angeles before Dexter had passed away. The fee to register for classes so close to the start of term was ridiculous, but I paid it anyway.

Emmett had to run into town to take care of some things for work, so he offered to carpool with me the first day of classes. I wanted to turn him down, but I didn't.

"Bella, something's different about you," he said as he stopped the car to drop me off.

"Yeah. I think . . ." I paused, searching for the right words to convey the way I felt. "I think I'm finally happy. See you later, Em."

I stepped out of the car with a jacket thrown over my arm and my head held high, and chuckled at the cliché in my head.

_Today is the first day of the rest of my life._

* * *

**Some big steps for these two, don't you think?**

**Let me know what you're thinking.**


	19. Whatever I Want, Whenever I Want

**What? Why are you looking at me like that? **

**So, ****Bernstein says "Hi! I own two pair of fuck me boots. I love them. **_**Pretty Woman**_** is up there with **_**Dirty Dancing**_**. I pre-read while in an airport running around, and I'm getting married. Woot!"**

**I owe LyricalKris, for beta duties and for putting up with me being a pest.**

**

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I don't care what anyone has to say,  
I choose to live my life this way.  
So keep your nose where it belongs.  
I'll keep my ears tied to the song that says I can be what I want to be,  
I'll choose my own damn destiny.  
I'm sorry if you disagree.

-_Whatever I Want, Whenever I Want,_Punchline

There's something to be said about small towns and how easily people judge others in them.

Because of Charlie's job, I'd dealt with stares and whispers most of my life. They grew worse the first time Dexter and I went out together, as a couple. The police chief's daughter dating a Clallam County Superior Court judge's son? The gossip-mongers kept the rumor mills running at full speed for _weeks_, and that didn't even include what kids at school were saying.

I'd grown up around the busybodies - the old biddies who thought they ran the town, when in reality they were just someone's bored mother or grandmother. Little to nothing they said ever surprised me, and their words rarely bothered me. In fact, the only time I could remember feeling anything more than mild amusement at what they were saying was right after Dexter died and I'd gone back to work.

Still, it was hard to hold my head high as I waited at the diner for Alice to arrive for our weekly coffee date when I heard the whispers and felt the stares.

". . . boots? I just don't know . . ."

". . . that dress is just . . ."

I took inventory of what I was wearing and had to laugh to myself. Of course they were talking about my clothes ; it wasn't the jeans and hoodie that had practically been a uniform my entire life.

I'd actually let Alice drag me shopping with her one weekend, just after I'd gotten home from Europe. To my horror, I'd had _fun_.

_"Alice, I do not want to go shopping. I don't care if there are super cute boots on sale that I absolutely must have to 'complete my wardrobe,'" I said with a roll of my eyes._

_"Bella, you haven't seen these boots. Trust me, you're going to love them and wear them with everything."_

She was right. Of course she was right; she'd been right about everything lately. I really did have her to thank for the final push to go to Europe, because even though I'd purchased the ticket, I knew myself well enough to know I never would have gone to the airport if it wasn't for Alice encouraging me.

"So what are the hags saying about you this time?"

I smiled as Alice slid into the booth across from me. "Apparently my outfit has given them new material. I believe the phrase 'hooker boots' was thrown around."

"Oh give me a break." She turned slightly and addressed the gossiping grandmas behind her. "Even a high priced call girl wouldn't rock boots _that_ amazing. Find something other than _Pretty Woman_ to use as a reference, ladies."

* * *

The thing about going back to school at a place I'd already attended, surrounded by people who'd been a few years behind me in high school, was being surrounded by people who knew me.

I'm sure they thought I was oblivious to their whispered comments. "That's Bella. Remember hearing about Dexter Robinson? Yeah ... She dated him for, like, ever," or "Isn't that the dead guys from FHS's girlfriend?"

There were many days when it took everything in me to keep from turning around and snapping that it had been damn near two years since Dexter had died, so if they could kindly find something else to talk about, I'd appreciate it. Hell, I even had a few suggestions for them if they wanted to continue talking about me.

The truth was, I was tired of being judged for my past. I was sick to death of people saying I was mourning too much or not enough. Who the hell did they think they were to make that kind of assumption? Like Emmett, Alice, and even Edward had said all along, no one knew how Dexter and I were when we were alone together. Not one of those judgmental people had been there when he was sick and dying, but begging me to live my life to the fullest.

Putting it mildly, I was fed up and pissed off. So when I bumped into my mother and Sandy while I was out running errands a few weeks before Christmas, and overheard Sandy mutter something about a disgraceful disappointment under her breath, I snapped.

Though we'd just exchanged awkward pleasantries, I was a few steps ahead when Sandy ran her mouth. I spun around and spat, "Just who the fuck do you think you are?"

"Renee, I have to say that since she moved out of your house, your daughter has developed the most awful language," Sandy said without even acknowledging me.

"She didn't say anything to you, I did. How about instead of making rude comments under your breath or passive aggressively, you actually speak your mind to me?"

Sandy's eyes flashed with anger, and her full attention was finally focused on me. "Fine. You want to know what I think? I think you're a disgrace to my son's memory. I'm glad I talked him out of marrying you."

In the past, her remark would have rocked me to the core and left me a drunk, sobbing mess, despite me knowing the real reason we hadn't married was because of a mutual decision.

"You didn't," I snapped through my tears.

As I walked away from Renee and Sandy, I couldn't help but be grateful I was on my way to Tanya's office.

* * *

Tanya was burning something in her office when I arrived for my appointment. I sniffed, trying to get an idea of what it was before I had to ask.

"It smells fantastic in here. What are you burning?"

"It's sage," Tanya smiled. "Reminds me of a chai latte."

"Mmm." I decided to dive headfirst in to the day's events. "So I ran in to my mom and Sandy today... "

Tanya immediately snapped into therapist mode. "Why did you mute yourself?"

"I couldn't do anything but cry. I ran away as fast as I could, and I wanted a drink _so_ badly."

"That's okay," Tanya said gently. "You're supposed to have those times."

"Why can't I stand up to her?"

"She's your emotional and physical connection to Dexter, Bella. I know you don't want to admit this, but she's also a maternal figure. You're always going to desire her acceptance."

* * *

A vague sense of trepidation settled over me when I rang the doorbell for dinner with Alice and Jasper that night. It only took walking into the dining room and hearing Rosalie say, "Five's a crowd Mary Alice. Haven't you heard?" to realize where that feeling was coming from.

"In that case, don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. Bella, how are you doing?" Alice asked evenly.

The evening managed to run smoothly until we started to talk about Edward and his life in Chicago.

"He seemed kind of wigged out when I talked to him the other day," I said. "Something about Maggie and a wedding they were going to. He definitely didn't seem all that thrilled to be going."

"Well it's good to know Edward is moving up and moving on. I knew he wouldn't go slumming for long," Rosalie said, venom in her voice.

Alice threw her fork and knife to her plate with a huff. "I don't know what stick you got stuck up your ass, but in my home you either remove it or I will _gladly_ do it for you."

I tried to cover my snort with a cough but judging from the look on Emmett's face, I failed miserably.

"Are you going to sit there and let her speak to me like this?" Rosalie asked Jasper.

"Honey, I think -"

Alice smiled sweetly at Jasper and said, "Sweetheart, I love you, I do. I especially love your man bits, but if you don't let go of me I will not hesitate to chop them off and make earrings out of your balls. Your sister is a cold hearted, insecure, selfish, spoiled, bitch.

"Let's get something real clear girl, I ain't afraid of anything on two legs and most things on four. You might be big, but I'll still knock you on your tail."

Rose sat fuming quietly at Alice, but said nothing while I giggled to myself and Emmett discreetly excused himself from the table.

We all started eating again, but there were several awkward moments when I couldn't quite contain my giggles.

It was no surprise to me that Rosalie was the one to break the silence. "So what, you can't defend yourself? You need your friends to do it for you? Poor little, helpless Bella."

Alice opened her mouth to speak, but I held up my hand. "I've got this, Alice."

"That's my girl," she smiled. "Get that ass."

Rosalie stormed out of the house into the frigid night air. I followed her despite part of me thinking it might not be such a good idea.

"You know, I've let people like you put me down all of my life; tell me I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy. Well you know what? Fuck you, Rosalie Hale. Who do you think you are? We're adults now. Yet here you are acting like a never ending episode of Gossip Girl.

"Get over it. I got the boy. I loved him and he was my whole world. Then I lost the boy, and I'm trying to hard to learn to live without him. So fuck you, you pretentious, snotty, self absorbed child."

Rosalie snorted, and it only fueled the anger burning within me. "I'm not that girl anymore. I may not be as strong, but I'm working on it every god damned day. I stopped trying; I'm doing. I suggest you get the fuck over youself and do the same."

I stayed outside for a while after Rosalie went back inside and ranted to Jasper about the way she was being treated in her own brother's house. I'd just started to shiver when Emmett made his presence known.

"You okay, Bella? That was some pretty harsh stuff you said to Ro, not that she didn't need to hear it."

"I'm good."

He offered me the sleeves of his jacket and pulled me close to him after I'd zipped it around both of us. We stood silently for a few minutes until I felt him shaking with laughter behind me. "You want to know why Rose didn't say anything after Alice threatened her?"

"Of course," I said, smiling over my shoulder at him.

"She's gonna kill me for telling you this. She said she doesn't 'mess with Mighty Mouse.' Her words, not mine. Ever since she stood up to Alice when she married Jasper and caught the wrath of one Mary Alice Brandon, Rose doesn't do that any more. I couldn't get the exact story out of her, but she said something about flowers and hair and hating Alice's dress.

"That she was able to describe in perfect detail. I believe she called it a 1920's vintage, French piece of shit."

"I know Alice too well. There's no way the dress was a piece of shit," I giggled.

"I think you're going to be okay, kid," Emmet said.

* * *

My cell phone rang just as I unlocked the door to my apartment. I didn't check the caller ID, so hearing Edward's voice caught me by surprise.

"Hey Bella, how are you?"

"I had an interesting evening," I said, struggling out of my coat and flopping down on the couch.

"Oh?"

"I went to dinner at Jasper and Alice's, and Rosalie was there."

My breath caught in my throat at the sound of his carefree laughter, because I hadn't heard it in so long. "And it was like a Springer episode, I'm sure."

"You could say that," I laughed.

"Tell me everything. I want to know all about it," he said.

I told him about my encounter with Rosalie, then we talked about what was going on with the two of us late into the night.

It was 2 am on the west coast by the time we hung up.

* * *

**So . . . What did you think? :shifty eyes:**

**I'm nearing the end of my pregnancy (who knew seven weeks could be So. Freaking. Long?), but I'd like to think I'll keep to a semi-regular update schedule until this is finished. **

**Mwah!**


	20. Nothing Like You & I

**What can I say? I'm on a roll. **

**Bernstein would like you to know she love The Perishers and the chapter made her emo and happy.**

**LyricalKris is just freaking awesome. **

**I don't own Twilight, its characters, or anything else that is publicly recognizable. Dexter, his family, and these words are mine. Please don't steal.  


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We spent some time together crying.  
Spent some time just trying to let each other go.  
-_Nothing Like You & I, _The Perishers

I really didn't want to go to the wedding Maggie had been bugging me about for weeks. Not by a long shot. But I'd agreed to be her plus one, and even though we were in a near constant state of arguments recently, I wasn't going to back out of it.

Admittedly, I was going through the motions with her these days. We had pretty much stopped going out on dates because we were both so busy, and it seemed like the dates had been the fun part of our relationship, at least for me.

She was hinting around at wanting to move in together, and I kept putting her off, saying she should rent her place month-to-month until my lease was up and we could look for something bigger for the two of us. What it boiled down to was that she wanted a commitment I just wasn't ready to give her.

It sucked.

She was in the wedding, so she was going to spend all day getting ready with the rest of the bridal party, and I was supposed to meet her at the church. It made for an easy day for me; all I had to do was shower, shave, throw on a suit and show up, which improved my mood about the whole situation significantly.

The ceremony was boring, but most wedding ceremonies are, especially if you don't really have a connection to the people who are getting married. Maggie looked absolutely stunning in the lavender dress the bride had chosen for the bridesmaids, and she absolutely beamed for her friend from her spot at the altar.

Because she had pictures and other things to do after the wedding, I spent a lot of the first part of the reception with Jake and Leah. When I finally got to dance with Maggie, she spent a few moments lost in her thoughts before realizing I was lost in my own.

"Where are you?" she asked gently.

"I'm dancing with you, and enjoying it."

"You're here, but you're not here with me. You're in your own little world."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, too," she said as the song ended.

She was immediately pulled away to help the bride with something, and I flopped down in a seat next to Leah. "Where's Jake?"

"I'm sure he's making yet another trip to the open bar," Leah sighed. "Oh wait, it appears as though he's doing a spastic thing that's supposed to look like dancing and mortifying Maggie in the process." She gestured to where Jake was flailing around on the dance floor near Maggie.

The two of us sat in a comfortable silence, watching Jake make an ass of himself and the other people dancing around them.

It was Leah who finally broke the quiet. "You're thinking about her."

I shook my head. "I haven't thought about her in a long time."

"Then how did you know who I was talking about?" Leah smiled ruefully.

"I can admit when I'm caught. I just don't understand why she is the way she is most of the time."

"I don't think you know what it's like to grieve. She was too young when this happened to her. She didn't have the support system she needed. What you're doing right now is trying to stop a leaky pipe with tape.

"I've known you for a long time. You've had pretty much everything handed to you. You're good at everything. But you're also not a quitter. Maybe it's time you learned about her and what's she's been through."

"I can't compete with a ghost," I said

"Did Jake ever tell you where I'm from?" she asked.

I nodded. "The Midwest."

"Smart ass," she quipped.

"Not really. He was too busy going on about your ass to give better detail."

Leah laughed. "That's my Jake. Anyway, I'm from a small town in Oklahoma. My parents were high school sweethearts. They'd been married for 25 years when my dad had a massive heart attack. My mom, she practically gave up for a minute there. Then one day, she decided she wanted to live, and for some reason, folks in our town could not accept her. She had a hard time of it. I did, too. Small towns . . . they have very limited views of the world. They put everyone in a narrowly defined box, and anything outside of the box is unacceptable. Bella's a kid in a world she did not ask for, trying to fight her way out."

"So move."

"Not that simple, dipshit," she snapped.

"You did," I reminded her. "Your mom lives in Boca."

"Mom and I ran because the alternative was less than ideal. Besides, it was us. No one else was left. Bella''s got her whole life right there. Her parents, her friends . . . that's a lot to weigh on a fragile mind and a broken heart."

I sighed. "What should I do then?"

"Be her _friend._ You two shit heads will figure it out eventually."

"I still can't compete with a ghost," I reminded her with a shake of my head.

"You can't compete with a ghost you know nothing about. The only way to fight a ghost is to name it. So name it."

"How can I name it?"

Leah smacked my thigh lightly. "It's called the Internet, genius."

"I guess that makes sense. I'm going to get out of here."

"One more thing," she said as I stood to leave. "Maggie is fun. She's cool as fuck. Fierce and independent. The last thing she needs is to be wasting her time on someone who is stuck on stupid."

* * *

I settled down at my laptop with a beer in hand and pulled up Google. "Let's do this," I said to no one in particular.

I typed what little information I knew about Dexter - his name, home town, birth and death date - into the search bar and hit go.

I was a little surprised at the number of results. The first was a story about two seniors from Forks High School making the All State Baseball Team, and featured a photograph of second baseman Dexter throwing a ball to first baseman Emmett McCarty.

There were other stories about him winning various awards, and when I clicked on a link that promised the text of his obituary, I was assaulted with a photo of Dexter with a girl I recognized from around Forks, but didn't know personally. Various links led to photos of Dexter with Bella, Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper, and a lot of other people I didn't recognize, but assumed they'd all gone to high school with.

"Dexter Matthew Robinson, 22, of Forks, passed away February 28, 2009 at his home after an extended illness.

Dexter was born to loving parents Tom and Sandy on September 10, 1986 in Forks. He attended Forks High School, where he was active in the Student Government Association, on the baseball and track teams, and in yearbook club.

He was an active member of the Forks First Baptist Church, and enjoyed snowboarding, skiing, hiking, and camping in his spare time.

Dexter is survived by his parents; beloved girlfriend of the last four years, Bella Swan; his paternal grandparents Elliot & Caroline Robinson; maternal grandmother Ethel Shaw; numerous aunts, uncles, and cousins; and countless friends.

A service will be held on Wednesday at Forks First Baptist Church at 2 p.m. Arrangements are with Mount Olympus Funeral Home. In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations to the American Cancer Society."

I finally realized the reason Bella never spoke to me about Dexter unless I asked was because I really _didn't_ understand what she'd been through. Seeing the pictures of the two of the them growing up together had made sense at the funeral, but when I looked at the photos on the web site of her with Dexter, Emmett, and her other friends, I realized I didn't know the real Bella. The girl on my computer screen was smiling and laughing. While I'd seen Bella do both of those things in the time I'd known her, it was like I'd see a faded, washed out version of the woman she could be.

After I clicked around on a few more links on the page, I decided to call Bella to see how she was doing. Probably not the best idea, considering the amount of alcohol I'd consumed between the wedding and the two hours I'd just spent researching her dead boyfriend, but I felt like I needed a connection with her, even if it was just her voice mail.

I greeted her – a little too enthusiastically I thought – when she answered the phone. She told me about her eventful night with Rosalie, and I laughed freely because I knew exactly what Rose could be like when she got mean.

I told her about the wedding, which she'd already heard me whine about on more than one occasion, then blurted out, "You looked fucking hot at your prom. I looked like a douche at mine."

"How do you know what I wore to prom?" she asked cautiously.

"I saw Jessica Stanley's epic tribute website to Dexter Robinson tonight."

Bella laughed out loud, which I took as a good sign. "Oh God, it's the cheesiest piece of shit I have ever . . . but that's Jess for you."

"It was very informative."

"Very inaccurate," she corrected. "For instance, Dexter hated blue. His favorite color was red. And he was a Phillies fan, not Mariners."

I heard what sounded like her flopping down and the rustle of blankets, so I assumed she was climbing into bed for comfort's sake.

She continued, "Italian food was my thing, and he'd die all over again at the music she listed as his favorite. The Backstreet Boys? Please."

"I take it Jessica didn't know him very well," I laughed.

"No one knew him like I did," she said softly. "He wasn't some Abercrombie, Norman Rockwell golden boy. He was dark and angry inside; far more of an Eminem than a Zac Efron. He actually loved hip hop. Sandy just wouldn't let him listen to it her house. He and Em used to hang out in Em's basement, get high, and rap to Tupac and Jay-Z."

She was quiet for a beat, then she laughed. "He was far more of a bad boy than anyone gave him credit for. He and Em were behind the biggest crime spree Forks had seen in twenty years."

"What did they do?" I asked.

She laughed harder. "They spray painted my dad's police cruiser. It was a huge scandal, and I still haven't told Charlie about it. And he hated church," she offered. "He was agnostic. Sandy and everyone else defied him, never once let him be a fucking human being. His death proved he was human."

I couldn't think of anything to say, so I hummed into the phone.

"I knew him. Every part, and I loved him so much."

"Why didn't . . . What made you open up about this tonight?"

"I guess I'm ready now," she sighed. "What else do you want to know?"

"Anything you want to tell me," I said gently.

"I think, sometimes, people prefer the Sears catalogue version of reality."

"How so?"

"No one likes the nasty ugliness of reality. We all want to gloss over anything that'll challenge our balance. With Dexter – he felt so trapped, Edward. Before he got sick, he was so . . . he was done with all of it," she sighed heavily. "Sandy was on him. Tom wasn't much help either, because he had all of these expectations. I think in the end, getting sick saved him. Then I think about his eulogy. Sandy wanted some manufactured piece of bullshit. When I was up there, saying those words that she made sure to read over before giving her 'okay,' I kept seeing him throwing the finger at everyone."

"That's the funny thing about expectations: we always fall short. I was supposed to a be a doctor," I confessed.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Like my father, my grandfather, and his father before him. I, uh . . . did one rotation with my dad when I was 17 and decided right then I hated medicine. I can't stand the sight of blood and shit." I shuddered at the thought. "And the smell. Jesus, I almost fainted. It took me three years to tell my dad the legacy would end with him. My mom – she got it. Dad . . . sometimes I think he still expects me to get with the program."

"At least you have your shit together," Bella said softly. "I'm still roaming the desert like the children of Israel."

"Someone paid attention in church."

She laughed. "Dexter used to say one of us needed to focus, just in case. We were going to offer a two for one deal to Saint Peter."

I laughed, and then she launched into another story about Dexter and Emmett together. We talked for another hour or so, until around four when her yawns came so frequently I told her to get some rest.

It felt good to talk and laugh with her without a fog hanging over the two of us. I was just getting ready to say so when she said it for me. "This was really nice, Edward. Good night."

"Sweet dreams, Bella."

* * *

I didn't sleep at all that night. When I knew Maggie would be out of the brunch the bride and groom had thrown for the wedding party, I dropped her a text message to ask if she could stop by my place for a quick visit.

"You look like shit this afternoon," she said as soon as she walked in the door.

"Hi to you, too. I didn't sleep last night," I said.

Neither of us moved from where we were standing. I was confused when she smiled softly. "This is it, isn't it?"

I sighed heavily. "Yeah, I think so."

"What happened?"

"I've just . . . I've been in relationships since I was 18. I need a break to be by myself. I just can't be what you want or need right now, Maggie. I'm so sorry. You deserve someone who can give you forever."

She smiled again, sadly this time. "You are an amazing guy. A dickhead sometimes, but amazing nonetheless. I hope she knows that."

"That's not why -"

"Don't," she interrupted. "No bullshit here, okay? This is me."

"I talked to her until four this morning. That's why I didn't sleep."

"I know. Woman's intuition." She chuckled. "Either way, you need time to assess what you want and what you need. I hope she's it for you."

"I'm really sorry."

"Dont' be. Neither one of us are the type to settle. This is good for us and to be honest, we both knew it was coming."

"I feel like I should say something poetic about how much I've grown in the time I've been with you."

Maggie snort laughed at that. "No need. Just . . . take care of you, Edward. That's all I ask."

* * *

It was the first nice day we'd had in several months, and Jake was determined to force me to help him make the best of it. When my phone had rung by six that morning, I knew nothing good could come of it. Jake was determined to make a 9 a.m. tee time.

"You remind me of Charles Barkley," I said, near tears because I was laughing so hard.

"Dude, I don't play golf because I like it. I play golf so I have an excuse to get out of the house for four hours a week. Besides, I'm retired and Leah won't move to Florida. What else am I supposed to do?" Jake snapped.

I watched as Jake took another swing at his ball, then slammed the club into the ground when he sliced it. "Shut the hell up. You're not much better than me."

"Difference is, I will be after a round or two. You're not improving at all. Those lessons with the pro must be costing you a fortune."

"Leah wanted me to ask if you and Maggie would be interested in dinner at our place next week." I had to give him credit, he changed the subject very smoothly.

"No can do. We broke up the night after the wedding," I told him.

"That was a stupid move. The sex alone was worth holding on to her for another two or three months."

I thought about it for a fraction of a second, then nodded. "This is true."

"Your balls are still intact. I assume it twas amicable?" Jake set himself up to try to take a shot out of the sand trap, and cursed under his breath when his missed. "I want a mulligan on that."

"I just wasn't ready for what she wanted."

"Says the man still hung up on the girl who wouldn't have a fucking clue even if you handed it to her in a gift box."

I sunk my putt on the first try, and agreed with him. "Also true."

As we made our way to our cart, Jake grew serious. "Look man, I'm saying this because I love you. Take a break from the chicks for a while. You're a serial monogamist. Like that Kelly Clarkson song says - you do not hook up. You've never been the hit it and quit it kind of guy."

"I _am_ taking a break. Bros before hoes and all that," I snorted.

"Hoes is a very derogatory term, and offensive to women and society in general."

"Leah making you go to her book club meetings again?"

"Every fucking Tuesday night. And really, it's a damn shame you don't believe in hit it and quit it," he said as we approached the next tee. "I remember this one time before I started dating Leah, there were these two girls-"

"Shut up."

"Karissa and Shannon." He grinned stupidly and set up to tee off. "They wanted to be in films."

"I remember." I took my own shot. "It was porn, Jake."

"Good times. Good times. Shit man, you suck at being a guy. I should seriously check to see if you have a dick or vagina in those god awful pants you're wearing."

"Don't make me tell Leah about Karissa and Shannon. Hey, didn't they want you to be in films with them?" I asked as we headed toward the 19th Hole for a drink.

* * *

**I promise I'm working on review replies. I'm just slow with them. **


	21. Again

**I adore LyricalKris, not only because she pulled awesome beta duties for me, but because she gave me the**_** best**_** Christmas gift. She wrote me Roseward! (fanfiction(dot)net/s/6496321/2/)**

**Bernstein wishes everyone a Happy Holidays, and asks, "What would you get your mother-in-law for Christmas?"  


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All of my life  
Where have you been  
I wonder if I'll ever see you again  
And if that day comes  
I know we could win  
I wonder if I'll ever see you again  
-_Again_, Lenny Kravitz

"So, do you think you'll get season tickets wherever you end up moving?" I asked.

"I don't know. I'm not even sure whether I'm going to take the job, let alone where it will be." There was something in his voice that I couldn't quite put my finger on, but I shrugged it off.

"I guess I just thought if you grew up going to so many games, you'd want to continue the tradition. Despite Charlie's obsession with the Mariners, there's very little I understand about baseball. For example, your parents are White Sox season ticket holders? I assumed everyone in Chicago was a Cubs fan."

His tone was full of contempt. "Bella, if everyone is a Cubs fan, why does Chicago have two teams? The President of the United States is a White Sox fan. Clearly, they're the superior team in this town."

Edward had called in the middle of a homework slash study session, and I was ecstatic about the interruption. We were both quiet, presumably thinking of questions to ask one another when I blurted out, "What's your favorite childhood memory?"

"That's easy," he said thoughtfully. "My parents had a lake house that we visited every summer. At night, after they put me to bed, I used to sneak downstairs."

"Did you go to the lake?"

"No, I watched my parents. They used to dance to old Motown records on the porch."

"That's really sweet."

"Yeah, it is. I'm sure they still do it, but they're not there nearly as often as they used to be."

He started laughing and I smiled to myself. "What's so funny?"

"There was one night," he giggled, "when I learned all about the birds and the bees. No kid should get an eyeful of their dad's ass being palmed by their mom's hand, ever. Scarred. For. Life. What's yours?" he asked when he'd finished laughing.

"You know, my best memories always involved Dex and Em. The three amigos, my dad always called us. We took Charlie's fishing gear once. Did not turn out well."

Edward chuckled quietly. "What did you do?"

"Pole fencing. Good times. Took all three of us three months' allowance to replace the pole we broke. It was his "good" pole; the one he caught all his fish with. He still swears he hasn't caught nearly as many fish since we broke that pole. Love him, but the man exaggerates."

I glanced at the clock when I heard the telltale sounds of Edward getting comfortable in his bed. We'd been talking more and more frequently over the past few weeks, and I knew he did that when he was getting sleepy. It was nearly 11 in Forks, so it was one a.m. in Chicago.

"You should go to sleep. It's really late there."

"No, I'm good." He paused. "Tell me about Sandy?"

I hissed and sincerely hoped he didn't hear it.

"I guess I'm just trying to understand," he offered softly.

"She, uh . . ." I struggled for the right words to describe Sandy. "She was like another mother growing up. I was closer to her than I was to Renee."

"That's surprising."

"I practically lived with them in the summertime." I found myself getting lost in my memories of summers past. "They had a pool and she always had lemonade ready for us to drink. And the snacks! Sandy had the best snacks."

Edward snorted. "I have a hard time picturing her as a good mother figure who has snacks and lemonade ready to go at the drop of a hat."

"You met her after he died and everything changed. I . . . well, I think she's broken. Because deep down, she's a good person. She just doesn't know how to channel her hurt."

"Why do you defend her?" The anger in his voice pissed me off.

"Because I know the person she's capable of being," I snapped. After a beat of silence, I added, "Because I guess she's really the only mother I ever had."

"I'm sorry, Bella, I just-"

"Renee was never . . . She was more interested in her social life than life with a child. She spent a hell of a lot of time in Port Angeles until Charlie got promoted to Chief, and being here meant she was 'someone' in Forks. Even now, she's all about image."

"That's sad."

I laughed harshly. "Your dad wants you to be a doctor; my mom wants me to marry one. She can be such a hypocrite at times, you know? She always preached against marrying young, but Dexter was an exception because he was a Robinson. He didn't want to be a doctor, but she didn't care about that. He was 'someone.' A judge's son. That's all that mattered."

"What did he want to be?" Edward's voice was growing raspier the longer we talked.

"He wanted to play baseball. That was his dream. Sandy was adamant that he focus on something more attainable. But he was really good; he had scouts come watch him all the time. He really loved baseball. Almost as much as he loved weed."

Edward mumbled something under his breath, and I had to ask him to repeat himself. "I have more in common with Dexter than I thought," he finally confessed. "I smoked a lot high school."

"Edward Cullen, a pot smoker? Nice. Anyway," I continued, "if baseball didn't work out, he wanted to work at NORML."

"What's that?"

I giggled. "It's the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws. I'm surprised you don't know that. You just said you smoked a lot in high school."

"A lot is relative, Bella. Every weekend or so?"

"Dexter did it practically every day. I told you, he and Em used to smoke up and rap Tupac."

"Will I succeed, paranoid from the weed and hocus pocus, try to focus but I can't see," he sang softly.  


* * *

"Alice, I have a date," I said, flopping down in an uncomfortable chair in her office.

I immediately had a flashback to sitting in this same chair - different woman behind the desk, of course - discussing my future. "Ugh, you have no idea how weird this is for me, Al."

"What's weird about it? Dating isn't rocket science, Bella. You'll be fine."

"Being here, in this chair, in this office is weird. I don't know how to flirt, Alice," I said pointedly.

"Is this date tonight?"

"Yes."

"That dress looks like you're going to church. Change."

"Guess I'll fit that into my incredibly busy schedule. Thanks."

Alice sighed. "Honey, there's a system to dating. How do I put this in terms you'll understand?" She contemplated for a moment, then started talking again. "Okay. Sweetheart, it's simple. Don't show tits if you're showing leg. Don't show ass if you're showing tits. Especially don't advertise what you ain't about to sell.

"Don't blink and stutter; you will look like you have turrets. Men hate a girl who eats meat and potatoes at home while eating rabbit food on a date. Never, ever kiss on the first date. Trust me, men see everything as a doorway to sex."

"Okay, hide my tits and legs if I'm showing ass, don't advertise - what does that even mean? - no blinking and stuttering. That I think I can handle. No eating rabbit food - easy, I hate salad anyway. No kissing? I thought that wasn't taboo."

"I made Jasper wait a month before I kissed him. And for fuck's sake, be honest with him, Bella. Do _not_ waste his time, or your Friday night."

Two hours later, I was holed up in my room with Alice, trying on various outfits for my date.

"No. That outfit makes you look like you're about to debate on CNN. You'll need a beehive and glasses to pull it off. This town may be lost in the 80's, but your fella is not. Change."

"I miss hoodies," I sighed, going back into my closet.

"I burned them," Alice snapped. "I miss Ricky Martin's ambiguous sexuality. Get over it." When I stepped out of the closet, she said, "Oh, hi there Kelly Kapowski."

When we, meaning Alice, finally decided what I was wearing was acceptable, I put on a bit of makeup, curled my hair and was ready to go.

That night, as I sat across from Felix, I finally realized just how much I'd cheated Edward when he was trying to pursue a relationship with me. He wanted this; he wanted normal. He tried, but I couldn't be honest with myself, let alone another person.

It was easy to let Felix down by telling him I wasn't interested in anything beyond friendship. Maybe I was, just not with him.

My problem before had been fear. I was afraid to live, afraid to deal with rejection because I hadn't ever experienced it. I was terrified of connecting with someone; because if I could connect with someone on the same level - or an even higher one - than I had with Dexter, what did that mean for us? What if what we had was a sham, and I'd just been going through the motions with him?  


* * *

The plan was to spend my Thanksgiving Day alone.

The plan was most definitely not Alice approved.

When I told her I wanted to avoid drama by avoiding family, she ranted. She raved. She pulled her Southern roots on me.

"In the South we do everything big. Patriotic holidays are no exception. You will be at my house at four p.m., you will be dressed well, and you _will_ enjoy yourself," she'd said. "And bring wine. Hard liquor, too, if you want. Jack Daniels just might be my best friend before the end of the night. Rosalie, my mother, and my mother-in-law will all be here. The trifecta of evil."

That's how I found myself at Jasper and Alice's front door, carrying a case of wine and a bottle of Jack Daniels for Alice, just in case.

"Bella's here! Happy Thanksgiving. Welcome to Dysfunction Junction." Alice exclaimed when she flung the door open.

"Happy Thanksgiving."

I was confused about why Alice referred to her mother-in-law as evil. Charlotte Hale was everything Renee and Sandy wished they were. She embodied grace and sophistication, seemingly from another time. Her smile was always warm and inviting, even when she was telling me how sorry she was when Dexter had passed away.

Her voice was always soft and calming. For all her wealth and status in Forks, she'd always maintained a kind of indifference to the way everyone tripped over themselves in her presence. Sandy would have been mortified to have a daughter-in-law like Alice, while Charlotte seemed to embrace the eccentric addition to her family.

If Charlotte was class, Alice's mother was . . . the opposite. Small like her daughter, she was also colorful and feisty. Her hair was blond and her breasts were ginormous; both were fake, of course. For a middle aged woman, she looked more like Alice's sister than her mother.

Alice noticed me quietly observing her mother and chuckled. "See, sweet pea? You're not the only person with mama issues. It's universal." Raising her voice slightly, she said, "You can put the twins away now, Mama. I'm sure Dr. Horowitz appreciates the free advertisement, though."

"Trash," Rosalie mumbled under her breath.

"I've had three glasses of wine in a kitchen full of knives. Don't push me, Blondie," Alice snapped.

I followed Alice into the kitchen. Paula Deen would have wept with pride. Rosalie leaned against the island, sneering.

I chatted amicably with Jasper and Rosalie's parents while helping Alice with last minute preparations before my phone rang. I smirked when I heard the ring tone; it was Afroman's _Because I Got High_ in honor of Edward's confession about smoking pot in high school.

"How appropriate for one of Bella's friends. Classy with a capital C," Rosalie spat.

Ignoring her, I greeted Edward enthusiastically.

"I'm in the mother fucking Twilight Zone," Rose said as she stormed out of the kitchen.

"Hey Bella," Edward said. "Happy Thanksgiving."

"I'm glad you called before we sat down to dinner. I'm sure Alice would flip her shit if the phone rang then."

"I heard that, little girl. And you're right, I would have. Jasper, I need a new bottle of red," Alice called as I walked into the foyer.

"Can you do me a favor?" Edward asked.

"It depends on what the favor is."

"I need you to open the front door."

"What? Why?"

"Just do it, Bella," he said, completely exasperated.

"Okay, okay, I'm opening the front -" I gasped and my cell phone clattered to the floor.

"Surprise?" He smiled sheepishly.

* * *

**So here's the deal on the rest of the updates. I'm going to write when I can. Some days, I'll be able to write more than others. I have no idea how often I'm going to update, though. **

**If you follow me on twitter, you may be aware that my son was born 2 full weeks early & spent time in the NICU. I'm still exhausted from that & he's been home 2 weeks already.**

**You've been patient with me for so long, can you do it a little longer?**


	22. Once and for All

**Bernstein is like Silent Bob this week because she doesn't feel well. Send her get well vibes, please.**

**LyricalKris is just freaking awesome.**

**I don't own Twilight, its characters, or anything else that is publicly recognizable. Dexter, his family, and these words are mine. Please don't steal.**

Once and for all  
Something tells me the tide'll be turnin'  
Once and for all  
There is a fire inside me  
That won't stop burnin'

-_Once and for All, _from Newsies (Lyrics by Jack Feldman)

* * *

Admittedly, I was nervous as hell when I told Bella I might be taking a job on the west coast. And I may have been a little less than forthcoming when she asked me where the job might be. She'd hurt me before, and I didn't know whether I was 100% comfortable telling her that in all likelihood, I'd be moving to Seattle the first of the year.

Alice could be a tiny, scary person when she wanted to be, which I quickly discovered when she learned of my plans to have Thanksgiving dinner at my hotel in Seattle.

I was on the phone with Jasper, setting up a lunch meeting while I was in the city to look at apartments, when I mentioned that I would be in town for Thanksgiving but was planning to just have dinner in the hotel's restaurant.

"Oh, man," Jasper said. "That's tough."

"What? What's he saying?" I heard Alice ask Jasper.

Jasper's hand must have covered the receiver because the sound was muffled when I heard him tell Alice I would be in town over the holiday and eating in my hotel.

"Bullshit!" Alice shrieked.

"Al," Jasper started.

"You tell him my Granny would roll over in her grave if I let him eat in a restaurant; he's coming here and that's final. He can save the money of an extra night in a hotel, too," she ranted. "I can't believe you didn't invite him to dinner, Jasper!"

**  
"This one is in your price range, and I think you'll really like it," the Realtor said as we headed up the elevator.

I was sick of looking at apartments. I'd considered filling out the application on the last one just so I could stop looking, but something told me to look at one more. It was completely worth it.

"The foyer opens to a beautiful living room . . ." I lost interest in what the woman was saying because she was right - the place was perfect for me.

"I'll take it," I interrupted.

# # #

"Just do it, Bella." I couldn't keep the annoyance out of my voice when Bella tried to argue with me.

"Okay, okay, I'm opening the front -" She gasped, and her phone clattered to the floor.

"Surprise?" I smiled at her, but it quickly turned into a smirk. "You going to let me in, or is Alice going to have bring me a plate out here?"

"I . . . I'm sorry," she stuttered. "Please, come in. Alice, Edward's here!" she called over her shoulder.

"I know," Alice said, stepping into the foyer. "Who do you think invited him? Fool boy thought he was going to have dinner in a hotel restaurant. My granny would have had a heart attack if I'd let him do that."

"Jasper caught hell for not inviting me himself," I told Bella conspiratorially.

"I can't believe you're here. Why are you here?"

"I was in Seattle looking for an apartment. I'm moving in January."

"What? Why?"

"Remember the job I told you about? It's there."

"I can't -"

"Alright blondie," Alice said to Rosalie as we walked into the dining room. "Let's get this out there right now. If you so much as look like you wanna open your poisonous, pompous, little mouth, I will not hesitate to toss you out on your bony little ass. Are we clear?"

"Jasper -" Rose started.

"Don't even think about Jasper coming to the rescue. You may be his sister, but I'm the keeper of the promised land."

Try as I might, I couldn't hide the snort that built as a result of trying to hold in my laughter. In all the time I'd known Rosalie, she'd never backed down from anyone. Except, that is, for Alice. One comment from the small woman who was decked out in what had to be a designer dress and an apron with a huge turkey on it, and Rosalie's lips were sealed. I thought I heard her mumbling comments while we ate, but I couldn't be sure, nor did I care.

The spread Alice put out for dinner was incredible, and afterwards we all settled into the living room to watch the late football game. Jasper was placating Alice, a tried an true Cowboys fan, about how they'd "get 'em next year," and Emmett was trying his hardest to antagonize her at the same time.

"Alice, what's Dallas's record now?"

"Shut up, Emmett, or so help me, I'll throw you out on your ass next to the spot I have reserved for Rosalie," Alice spat.

Bella and I sat next to each other on the love seat, laughing at their antics. "Hey, wanna go some place quieter?" I asked.

"Sure. Kitchen is pretty much dead at this point." Bella smiled when I held out my hand to help her up.

I couldn't help the butterflies in my stomach at the thought of being truly alone with her for the first time since our disaster of a lunch in Chicago. We'd spent countless hours on the phone, getting to know each other better, but this was different somehow. She seemed more like the girl who'd taken my breath away - just because of her strength - at Dexter's funeral.

She'd told me about therapy and how Tanya was helping her work through a lot of the negativity in her life. It was working. The woman who stood smiling up at me in the kitchen was different; she looked more like the photos on Dexter's memorial page than I'd ever seen her look before.

Her lips were moving, and I had to shake my head to clear the music. _Something_ had popped into my head at the sight of her radiant grin. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"I said, do you want a glass of wine? Alice told me you're crashing here tonight."

"Sure. I thought you'd quit drinking."

"I did for a while. I'll have an occasional glass of wine now, but never more than two, and I never drink hard liquor anymore. This is my limit." Bella moved to grab a bottle off of the counter behind me, poured two glasses of pinot noir, and hopped up on the island. "So whatcha wanna talk about?"

"Help me move," I blurted out.

"What?"

"Help me move. I just signed a lease on apartment yesterday, and I'm scheduled to move in on January 3. Help me move. It might be fun. You might even learn something embarrassing about me."

She smiled. "I think I can do that."

# # #

Jake looked to where Bella was standing in the foyer. "I don't get the appeal. Then again," he tilted his head to the side, "maybe the ass sort of makes up for the rest."

"Nice, dude."

"I'm all about tits and face. You, on the other hand, are like a waking Lifetime movie."

"Where do you want this last box, Edward?" Bella called.

"I think that one goes in the kitchen."

"I think you need your head examined, inviting her here to help you move," Jake mumbled under his breath.

"Jake," I snapped, "shut the fuck up."

"I'm just sayin', man. Bitches don't change," he shrugged.

"They do, and she has. Maybe not the core of her, but I don't think that's ever changed. She just . . . got lost for a while."

"Yeah, don't call me when you flip and become some emo little bitch again. I have enough of that shit from my old lady. I'm headed back to the hotel for the night. I know you wanna be all miserable and spend the first night in your new place even though the furniture hasn't arrived, but fuck if I'm going to kill my back." Jake slapped me on the back in a half hug. "Later. Call me if you need booze. That's on the truck, too," he winked.

"I'll be fine, Jake."

"So I think that's everything," Bella said, walking into the living room. "At least, I think it's everything until the truck gets here. They're coming tomorrow, right?"

"Yep. Hey Bella, thanks for all your help today."

"Hey Bella, thanks for all your . . . " Jake muttered in a high pitched voice as he walked out of the room.

"He really doesn't care for me," Bella stated.

"Jake is . . . well, Jake is Jake. He's opinionated, and protective. He'll eventually come around," I said with a smile.

"I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I shouldn't hold my breath for that," Bella laughed. "Hey, I'm going to head out. I'm crashing with my friend Angela tonight. Do you have time tomorrow to grab a cup of coffee with me?"

"Sure," I beamed. "Coffee would be great."

# # #

"I feel like I owe you an apology," I said as we waited in line at Starbucks.

Bella looked at me, confused, and shook her head. "I don't understand. I'm the one who should be apologizing. Hello! For a while there, I was the queen of mixed signals."

"You were," I agreed, "but I tried to rush you into something you clearly weren't ready for. I'll have a medium coffee, black," I said to the girl behind the counter.

"I'll have a single grande, nonfat, no whip mocha," Bella said while I gaped at her.

Drinks in hand, we settled into two comfortable chairs to talk. "So why the sudden move to Seattle?" Bella asked.

"It wasn't all that sudden," I confessed. "My boss in Chicago had been talking to me about it for a while."

"Was your break up with Maggie a deciding factor?"

"Surprisingly, no. This is a promotion for me. I'm going to work a fuckton more hours, but in the end it'll advance me within the company, which is exactly what I want."

"Good," she said with a single nod of her head. She sipped at her coffee, and flicked her fingernails.

"What do you want in life?" I asked, after several moments of silence.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"What do you want to do with your life? Now that you can't have what you always assumed you'd have . . . what do you want?"

"I . . . I don't know. I always assumed Dex and I would get married and have a couple of kids. We never planned to stay in Forks, but we planned to stay nearby. I'd still like to get married eventually, but it's no longer something I'm dead set on."

"Why didn't you get married?"

She smiled softly. "He didn't want me to be a widow. And even though he knew I'd basically live the life of a widow, he didn't want me to have the stigma of widowhood. I don't know, it never made sense to me. We talked it to death. He finally put his foot down when I tried to give him an ultimatum, but in the end, it was a mutual decision. Though Sandy still thinks _she_ is the one who talked him out of it."

"So, what do you want?" I asked again.

"This is so cliché, but I just want to be happy. Whether I'm single or attached, have a better job or spend the rest of my life at the bar, I just want to be happy." She paused. "What do you want?"

"I think I want the same. I guess things with Maggie really put everything into perspective. And before that, Rose. I was shopping for engagement rings when our relationship took a turn for the worse. Now I know I would have been miserable spending the rest of my life with Rose. And I couldn't be what Maggie wanted, because she feels like she has to get married to be happy, and I don't. It wasn't fair for me to string her along, not when I'm completely enamored with someone else."

* * *

**Couple of things:**

**First, I started betaing a new story. It's called **_**Caught**_** and is written by Twipoptart. It's based on the movie **_**The Town**_** and I think you'll really like it. (I'm slowly getting the older chapters to her, so if you go read – and you should – please know that I'm getting things to her as fast as I can.) bit(dot)ly / fkgZpK**

**Second, I'm participating in Fandoms Fight the Flood. For more information on where to donate, as well as a list of authors who are participating, follow this link: bit(dot)ly / hXKhWS. This is the part where you come in. I've volunteered to write an outtake from an existing work. So, in your review, please tell me what you'd like to see. If you're familiar with my work other than KRM & TMHiT and want to see something from one of those stories, that's fine, too. I'll write whatever you want me to. Just let me know.**

**Finally, LyricalKris actually kind of raged at me for ending this where I did. Oops. ;-) What are **_**your**_** thoughts?**


	23. First Kiss

**I'm going to get in so much trouble. This chapter is unBernsteined.  
**

**LyricalKris is just freaking awesome.**

**I don't own Twilight, its characters, or anything else that is publicly recognizable. Dexter, his family, and these words are mine. Please don't steal.**

Other people were too sentimental  
Always worrying about their hair  
Got tired of wasting all my time  
Now I'm not worrying at all  
How 'bout another first kiss, she said  
How 'bout another first kiss, I said  
-_First Kiss_, They Might Be Giants

* * *

"And anyway, I wanted to head back up to Seattle this weekend. Edward's parents are coming in, and he's practically begging me to come meet them. 'Save me from my father,' he says. How bad can the man who fathered a creature who looks that good possibly be?"

Alice laughed into the phone. "I don't imagine he's completely unfortunate, but who knows? Let's talk about something else," she said. "For example, the thing where he said he's enamored with a new person?"  
"Yeah," I sighed. "That. I don't know that I want to talk about that right now."

"Why on Earth not?"

"I don't want to hear about some other girl, not when I feel like I've been putting myself out there on the phone for the past six months to get to know him, despite the fact that he was dating Frankenblonde."

"Bella, are you stupid?"

"What? No. Why would you ask that?" I sputtered.

"You've got to be the damn stupidest smart girl I've ever met then. He was talking about you," Alice said, punctuating each word forcefully.

"You . . . might be right," I said after a moment.

"Think, Bella. Has he even mentioned another girl in the entire time you've been talking to him? For that matter, honey, when do you think he's had time to spare for someone since he and Maggie broke up? He's been spending every free second on the phone with you. I swear, for a while there, it was impossible to get you on the phone. Every other sentence was, 'I'm waiting for Edward to call,' or 'I have to go; I need to call Edward back.'"

I huffed. "Fine, you're right! All hail Alice, Queen of I'm-Always-Correct."

# # #

Because Renee wanted to do some shopping in Seattle, I hitched a ride with my parents the day Edward's family came in to town.

Of course, Renee insisted on coming up to check out Edward's apartment.

"Hi, Edward," I called out, knocking on the slightly open door. "Door's open, so I'm going to let myself in."

"Hey, Bella, we're back here," I heard him say from the direction of the spare bedroom.

I showed my parents down the hall, into the room Edward had set up as an office with a twin sized bed in it for when he had guests over.

When I pushed the door to the room open, Edward hugged me right away and kissed the top of my head. It shocked me a little, but I gave him a little squeeze around the waist before pushing away to smile up at him. "Hey. I hope you don't mind, but my parents wanted to check the place out."

"Sure, no problem. Nice to see you again, Chief," he said, shaking Charlie's hand. He reached out to shake my mom's hand, too. "Mrs. Swan, you're looking well today. These are my parents, Carlisle and Esme Cullen."

"It's great to finally meet you," I said, blushing as Edward's parents eyed me hesitantly.

"Pleased to meet you, as well, Bella," Esme finally said, offering a genuine smile.

Carlisle grunted a greeting, and I saw Esme not so discreetly elbow him in the ribs. He rubbed the spot with his left hand while sticking out his right to shake Charlie's hand.

My mother smiled at Carlisle and Esme. "So nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Cullen," she said, voice dripping saccharine.

Renee sized Esme up from her designer jeans, to her cashmere sweater, two hundred dollar flat - oh, shit, Alice was having an impact on my ability to spot expensive shoes - and her diamond wedding set. I chuckled to myself because Renee had finally met real wealth and influence.

"Well, Bells, your mom is itching to give my credit card a workout today. Nice to meet you," Charlie said with a nod to Edward's parents. "We'll pick you up in a few hours, okay?"

"I can bring her back to Forks," Edward said. "I was headed to Port Angeles to see Jasper anyway."

"Bye, Mom, Dad," I said as my parents walked out of the room. I was nervous at the thought of being in a car with Edward for so long. To distract myself, I started digging through one of the boxes on Edward's desk. "Oh my gosh, what _is_ this?" I asked, giggling to myself. I held up a paper plate with a picture of a vacuum on it.

"That," Esme said with a shake of her head, "would be an award Edward got at his Senior Sports Banquet. Go ahead, Edward, tell Bella what it is."

His face turned bright red. "Um, we had this thing . . . the seniors gave each other gag awards at the end of the year. That's the one they gave me."

"I don't get it," I said. "A vacuum?"

For the first time, Carlisle cracked a smile. "You can't just leave her hanging like that, Son. Tell her what it means."

"Fine," he huffed. "I gave this girl a huge hickey, and my teammates called me 'Hoover' for the rest of the year."

"It wasn't just any hickey," Esme snorted. "Her mother brought her to see an oncologist Carlisle works with because she thought the sudden onset of such a large bruise _had_ to be indicative of some super rare cancer."

# # #

"You _Googled_ the Cullens?" I screeched.

"I don't see what the problem is, Isabella," Renee scoffed. "I just wanted to know more about them. You never told me Edward's father was a doctor in Chicago."

"You never asked," I said. My mother's hypocrisy had never been more evident. Before she knew Edward's background, he was low life. The moment she learned his father was a prominent doctor, he was royalty to her. It made me sick.

"I'm sick to death of you trying to run my life," I snapped. "Nothing is good enough for you. _No one_ is good enough for you because they aren't Dexter! Fuck that."

"Isabella, you will not speak to me like that."

"I'll speak to you however I want," I shouted into the phone. "You will _not_ ruin this, mother. I want a chance at happiness, and I think I might be able to find that with Edward. You leave him out of your ridiculous plots and schemes. Do you hear me? Leave. Him. Out of it."

I slammed the phone down and took several deep breaths.

"Well that was interesting," Alice said from her place on my couch. "She googled Edward's family. You may hate her for it, but it was pretty ingenious."

I pressed my fingers into my eye sockets. "My mother is . . . yeah, my mother is my mother. She was a gold digger."

Alice giggled. "Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger . . . "

"Alice, shut up."

# # #

I drove myself the next time I went to visit Edward.

We met at the same Starbucks we'd had coffee at when I helped him move. Again, he greeted me with a hug and a kiss on the head. I'd never admit it to him, but I really enjoyed it.

I was fiddling with my coffee cup, unsure of what to say next when Edward asked me to go to dinner with him.

I freaked out.

After Edward left to go to work, I called Alice just to talk it out. I hadn't gone on a date with someone I actually cared for in a long, long time.

I was a nervous wreck - I dropped my silverware, spilled a glass of water, and fumbled over the words I wanted to say to him.

Edward, the bastard, laughed at me after the third time I dropped my fork. "Bella, why are you so nervous? It's just me." He reached across the table to pat my hand, which caused me to drop my fork all over again.

"It's been a while," I mumbled.

Despite spending hours upon hours on the phone while he was still living in Chicago, we never ran out of things to talk about. I teased him mercilessly about his Hoover Award, and he reciprocated by tormenting me about the photos my mother had posted on Facebook and tagged me in, all from my awkward preteen years.

We walked around Pike Place Market for a while, just people watching and holding hands. When we came a little shop filled with handmade hats, Edward dragged me inside and made me model various designs for him. When I came across one I really liked, he insisted on buying it for me.

He dropped me off at Angela's apartment when we were both yawning more than talking. I hugged him tightly around the waist, my head resting against his chest. "Thank you," I said through my yawn.

"For what?" He pushed away from me slightly, and tilted my chin up to look into my eyes.

"The best first date I've ever had."

Leaning up on my toes, I pressed my lips softly to his. Edward's lips parted slightly, and I gently swiped my tongue across his lower lip. Neither of us deepened the kiss, and as far as first kisses went - though it _wasn't_ our first kiss, it was the first one we'd shared since he'd moved to Chicago and back - it was at the top of my list.

When he finally pulled away from me, his eyes sparkled in the dim light. "Thank you," he whispered. "For a fantastic first kiss."

* * *

**We're good, yeah? No torches? **

**I'm back to work, which means maybe, possibly a more regular update schedule. :fingers crossed:  
**


	24. Blackbird

**Thanks, LK. ILY.**

Bernstein is going to kick my ass.

* * *

Blackbird singing in the dead of night,  
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.  
All your life,  
You were only waiting for this moment to arise_.  
-Blackbird_, The Beatles

I took a deep breath as I stepped onto the field where I'd watched Dexter hit the first - and last - home run of his high school baseball career. I fiddled with the sleeves of the too large jersey I wore. It was one of the few things I'd kept of Dexter's, and when I received the phone call about being in this place, on this day, I knew there wasn't any question whether I'd wear it or not.

"And to throw out the ceremonial first pitch, wearing number nineteen, please welcome Bella Swan."

There was a smattering of applause, and I nervously took a ball from one of the bat boys. "Please don't let me fuck this up," I whispered to myself. The kid gave me an encouraging smile and patted my hand before gently shoving me toward the pitcher's mound. I laughed then, because there was no way I was going to be able to throw a ball from sixty feet, six inches.

I stepped in front of the mound, much to the amusement of the crowd, and threw the ball up in the air, testing the weight of it. I hadn't actually thrown a ball in years, not since we'd graduated and Dexter decided playing catch with his girlfriend was more work than fun because I was miserable at actually _catching_the ball.

With a brave smile, I threw the ball to the waiting catcher. I was a little surprised it didn't totally veer off course, though I probably had Edward to thank for that. When I'd agreed to throw out the first pitch the day Forks High School retired Dexter's number and chose to honor him with a huge celebration, I'd panicked. He went out that night and bought me a baseball glove, broke it in for me and taught me how to throw as straight as possible.

I posed for pictures with Dexter's coaches and former teammates. I made a brief speech about Dexter and the things he'd done as a member of the Forks High baseball team. When I was finally released from my former-girlfriend-of-the-late-all-star duties, I walked to where Edward was sitting on the bleachers, sat down and laid my head on his shoulder.

I heard a huff from over my right shoulder, and looked back to see Sandy giving me the stink eye. I was determined not to make a scene, but when I heard her mutter, "Slut," I snapped.

I turned around and mustered up all the courage I'd been working on developing, both with Tanya and with Edward. Right then, I didn't care that the people I'd spent countless hours with in high school were sitting around us. I just wanted to say my piece and be done with it.

"Sandy, do you have something to say to me?"

"No, sweetheart. What ever makes you think that?"

I tangled my fingers with Edward's, and when I felt him give me a reassuring squeeze, I took a deep breath and let it all go.

"Normally, I'd pretend I didn't hear what you just said about me Sandy, but that's not who I am any longer. I'm so much better than you think I am, and it's taken me a fuckton of time to learn that. Do you know I've been in therapy since Dexter died? Not because I lost my first love, but because of the way people treated me. I went back to work too soon. I didn't love him enough. I wasn't good enough to have been his saving grace those last few months. I didn't mourn enough, but 'man, look how Bella fucked up when she couldn't take the pressure of dealing with people who 'loved' her! She nearly drank herself into a coma!'

"I moved on way too fast, because I dared to be seen in public with man - other than Em - at an anniversary party I only threw because Dexter and I had been planning it for so long. You sure as shit didn't deserve that," I snorted.

Sandy gaped at me. I decided since I was airing my grievances, I was going to finally tell Sandy what I knew had been the truth for years. "And you know, you haven't been so welcoming of _any_of my friends since your son died. Unless their name was Emmett, you wanted nothing to do with them. Remember how you told me you were going after Alice because she was trying to start a GLAAD chapter at Port Angeles High? Remember how I told you Mike Newton was gay? He came out last week, Sandy. But I'm sure you heard all about that from the old biddies who spend their days at the diner. Couldn't imagine you going a day with gossip, Mrs. Robinson."

I took a deep breath and continued, "Sandy, I appreciate everything you did for me growing up. I genuinely mean that. But I don't recognize you any more. You refuse to let me be happy, and you _know _that's what he wanted for me. You read the letter, right? You know he never wanted me to suffer at his expense. So please, know that I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I'll always love you, Sandy. You were a better mother to me than my own. But I really, _really_can't fucking stand you any more."

I stood rooted to my spot, chest heaving with the exertion of finally telling Sandy how I felt about her, and giggled a little when I heard a slow clap start off to my left.

_Alice_.

Gradually, Dex's teammates joined in, and soon the rest of the crowd was applauding loudly. When they mercifully stopped with the clapping, and we were all on our way away from the field, Alice - never one to miss an opportunity to get in a good jab - piped up, "Oh Sandy? I just thought you should know. Susan Sugarbaker called. She wants her hairstyle back."

# # #

After our first date, Edward and I were practically inseparable. I spent so much time in Seattle that I made the decision to move there about three months after we started dating. We took things slowly, kissing and gently touching until one night when I couldn't hold back and jumped him - literally.

There _was_ an awkward conversation about our definitions of good sex . . . and how different they were. Until then, I had no idea how boring sex with Dexter had been. It was a blow to my ego when Edward opened up an entirely new world of sex to me: positions other than switching who was on top, tips to improve my blow job technique - how the hell was I supposed to know a few flicks of the tongue could bring a man to his figurative knees - and good lord, the things that man could do with _his_tongue. For a brief moment, I contemplated the risk/reward of quitting school and begging Edward to quit his job so he could spend days or weeks with his head buried between my thighs.

I was lost in my thoughts - though I should have been lost in my homework - when Edward let himself in to my apartment. "That doesn't look like homework, Bella," he said, dropping a kiss on the top of my head.

I made an attempt to close my browser, but he'd caught me. "It's, um. Well, it's not homework."

"Whatcha lookin' at?"

I sighed. "It's Dexter's Facebook page. I'm trying to decide whether or not I want to delete it. He told me I should when I felt the time was right."

"Do you? Feel like the time is right, I mean," Edward said, walking out of my kitchen with an orange in his hand. He sat at the table next to me and started to peel the fruit while he waited for me to answer.

I tried to suppress a moan when he bit into one of the wedges. "I don't know. How do I decide when the time is right?" A drop of juice from the orange dripped onto his chin, and I just couldn't help myself. I leaned over and licked up his neck to his chin, sucking on it slightly to get all the juice, before tugging the piece of fruit that was still between his teeth into my own mouth. I hummed with pleasure. "Mmm. Good orange. I'll have to remember to buy those again."

I met Edward's gaze, not surprised to see his eyes had grown dark. He had paused with his hand halfway to his mouth with another slice of orange and now his hands were trembling a little. The weight of the emotion of going to back to Forks for the jersey retirement ceremony had all but zapped my desire to be intimate with Edward, and this was the first time in nearly two weeks I'd initiated any kind of physical contact, other than snuggling closer when he held me in bed a night. "What?" I asked, shrugging a little. "Why ask when I can just take a piece of your orange?"

Edward's reached up with his free hand and gently tapped my cheek. With the other, he brought the piece of orange to my lips and placed it gently in my mouth. This time, when I bit down, I did moan. He grinned wickedly at me and turned my move on me, leaning forward and pulling the other half of the fruit into his own mouth. His lips lingered just a little longer than was appropriate and pressed a little more firmly than was entirely necessary.

We separated just long enough to finish chewing, then he pressed his lips to mine over and over. When his tongue swept my lower lips, I opened my mouth and sighed contentedly. I'd missed his kisses, and he'd been so patient with me while I dealt with yet another thing from my past.

Under the guise of pulling him closer, I reached forward and tugged on his shirt. He made a surprised noise when I tugged the fabric from his pants and set about unfastening his belt and fly as I slid to the floor in front of him.

"Baby?" He asked, pulling away from me. "What are you . . . ? Ohhhhhhhh."

I looked up at him from my position on the floor between his spread legs. His head was thrown back against the chair and his eyes were squeezed shut. He'd already begun to pant and his hands were fisted on either side of my head. I wrapped my left hand around him, stroking the flesh I had yet to get into my mouth and reached my right hand to his left fist to pry his fingers apart, laying his hand gently on the back on my neck.

I took my time with him, flicking my tongue around the head like he'd explained to me, and occasionally taking long licks from base to tip. When he started to make the noises I knew meant he was close and I could tell he was trying to fight against guiding my head, I grabbed his wrist and tugged it, encouraging him to just let go. Then I hollowed out my cheeks and met his pace, swallowing around the head of his cock when it met the back of my throat. After he released, I laid my head on his thigh and stroked his stomach until he caught his breath.

"Wha . . . What was _that_for?" he asked after a few quiet moments.

I climbed back into my seat and took a few sips of my water. "Just thought you deserved to feel good," I murmured with a smile.

# # #

Amused, I watched as Edward and Jacob went back and forth over . . . something. The truth was, I didn't care enough to pay much attention. I'd gleaned enough information, though, to determine Jacob was complaining about his wife and daughters, and judging from Edward's reaction, this was nothing new.

Jacob had been ignoring me the entire night, except to compliment the "fucking fantastic" salmon I had cooked in honor of his visit. Truth be told, I hadn't known he was coming to dinner until Edward walked into my apartment in a near panic, mumbling something about owing me the biggest explanation ever and telling me everything as soon as dinner was over.

Smiling to myself, I decided to join in the conversation. "So Jacob," I said, putting my fork down. "Your best friend is fucking me now. Don't you think it's time you at least _tolerate_me?"

Jacob paused mid chew and shook his head. Admittedly, I wouldn't have hated it if he'd started to choke. "Well," he said after he'd swallowed. "There's no need for vulgarity. Didn't your mother teach you any manners?"

Edward just stared, jaw in serious danger of coming unhinged as we went back and forth.

"Didn't your mother teach you how to wear clothes? You've practically got a softball team at home, yet you're wearing muscle shirts. Cool it, Ronnie."

Jake cocked his head to the side, shoved another forkful of fish in his mouth then asked, "why didn't you tell me she was so sassy? I bet that translates -"

"Stop now, if you want to keep your testicles," Edward warned.

"Not like they work anyway," Jake grumbled.

# # #

"I don't understand how this could happen."

"Bella, don't make me give you the birds and bees talk. You wouldn't be trying to renew your birth control if you didn't understand how _that_happens." Dr. Goff gave me a pointed stare and waited for the information to sink it.

"No, but I'm on birth control and we use condoms," I insisted.

"And things happen."

I sighed. How on earth was I supposed to tell Edward this bit of information? And how would he react? I didn't know whether or not he wanted to have children and certainly not this quickly. We hadn't even been dating six months.

I was freaking out by the time I got back to his apartment. I'd just made myself a sandwich and was settling down on the couch for an epic date with a textbook when Edward walked through the front door. He took one look at me and was on his knees next to the couch.

"What's wrong?"

"I went to the doctor today."

"I know," he nodded. "Your annual."

"That's the thing," I sighed. "She asked me when my last period was . . . and then I realized I was a few days late." I shook my head and muttered, "I just bought a new box of tampons, too."

"Bella, what are you trying to say?" His eyes searched mine, and I took another heavy breath before answering.

"I'm pregnant, Edward."

* * *

**So that's that. I know, I'm evil for ending the story there. There will be a short epilogue, but I'm going to let you draw your own conclusions about where the characters go from here.**

**Fine. Yes, LyricalKris, it's their own version of an HEA. They're together. Happy? :P**


	25. Hey Jude

**This is it.**  
**Thank you, LyricalKris.  
Bernstein, ILY married woman!**

* * *

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain,  
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.  
-_Hey Jude_, The Beatles

I have a lot to be bitter about. But this here? Even I can find the joy in this situation.

Sure, I'm bitter that she's getting her happily ever after. But she deserves it.

Today, Bella's christening her son.

Jude Dexter Cullen loudly protested his entrance in to the world on July 1. He was very much welcomed by his loving parents. I was present for the birth, but they didn't know that.

I glance around the room and smile sadly when I see my mother. Ah, Sandy.

If I allow myself to have only one regret, it's that Mom still mourns the boy she wanted, not the son she had. I hate the way she's treated Bella when she was so much like her own daughter for more than twenty years. To see the grief she's given Bella over Edward . . . well, let's just say I shouldn't think such negative thoughts about the woman who gave me life.

Bella is thrilled. Alice and Jasper are the baby's godparents, and Alice is as calm as ever, despite the unseasonably hot weather in the only church in Forks.

I have every faith that Edward and Bella are going to be fantastic parents.

They moved to a new apartment in Seattle when Bella was five months pregnant, and I'm still laughing over the way Jake glared when Edward insisted she not lift a finger. It frustrated her, but I know she's secretly glad someone thought of and took care of her.

Rest in peace. It's what you say when someone dies. And now, I can. Bella's taken care of. She's with her true soul mate - eventually, she'd have realized it wasn't me - and now she has a beautiful son. I find peace in knowing Bella won't repeat the mistakes of the ones who loved us, but loved themselves more. Jude will grow to be a dreamer, a wanderer. But he'll always know, no matter who he is or where life takes him, he is loved unconditionally.

* * *

**Thank you, amazing people, for sticking with me for a year and a half. **


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